


it's too late to say goodbye

by Adarian



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Auxiliary Animorphs, Canon Bisexual Character, F/F, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, I love my bi son Marco, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Rachel's Still Dead, Recreational Drug Use, Trans Female Character, Trans Tobias, Underage Drinking, everyone has PTSD, everyone has a last name, excessive early 2000's jokes, excessive pop culture jokes in general, so much morphing just to use a phone, the more I write the clearer it is I have never been to California
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-06-19 15:18:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 60,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15512691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: "Sometimes you have to run away to figure out what you're running from."Right after the capture of the Pool ship, our long suffering teenagers are instead brought to NORAD's facility in the Cheyenne Mountains. From this point of diversion, each survivor is forced to face the parts of themselves that they have been afraid to examine.Tobias goes on a journey to understand his hesitations about becoming human while mourning the death of his soulmate. Ax is confronted with his reluctance to return to Andalite and how his long term exposure to human morph has affected his own psyche and emotions, particularly in regards to romantic attraction and desire. Cassie marries Jake to attempt to protect him from himself and the two of them try to create a new life together, both knowing they need to go beyond the other to find help. And Marco...well, of course there's nothing wrong with him. He's strong enough to support the rest of them, even when he's not.





	1. Marco

**Author's Note:**

> As I said to my partner nearly two months ago: "wow, it must be 2000 because the Conservatives are in power in Ontario and I'm crying over Animorphs." 
> 
> So here's the deal: I was pretty darn young when I read this series and I honestly do think it's one of the best Space Operas out there. I was super into them and super devastated when they ended but I was like 10 or 11. Now that I'm...well, old, frankly...I found myself rereading them for the first time because of the Morph Club Podcast. (Which I love but is nearly over boo). And honestly, it was exactly the wrong/right time for me to do that as I, unknowst to me at the time, was developing Vicarious Trauma. It's basically an acquired brain injury from long term exposure to other people's trauma and burnout from helping professional fields. It's not PTSD, but it has a lot of the same symptoms. 
> 
> So a few years go by and I've hit my critical mass. I quit my job and start the long road to recovery. I finish reading the series in the last few days of my position and it basically cuts me in two. Like Rachel. Ikes. It wasn't so much that it wasn't a real ending - though let's face it, it really wasn't - but that there was no chance of moving forward. After 53+ books of seeing people we love fall apart, we never get to see even a chance of them getting better. And baby, I needed that. I needed to see people recover and find joy again. I needed to see a happy ending, particularly for Marco. Growing up, he was the kid who I identified most with, being a not exactly straight parentified child from an immigrant family myself. I was the kid who used humour as a coping mechanism, flirted with everyone, and thought I was strong enough to deal with everyone's else crap as well as my own. Thus how I ended up with VT. 
> 
> And Tobias! Okay, so this started out mostly as a Tobias fic because I went down a rabbit hole of Trans Tobias headcanons and we need this in our lives, people. Happy endings for transgirls always. 
> 
> So...that's what this came out of. That's a really long intro and I'm sorry about that but I figured I'd say why I'm writing fic for a 20 year old fandom out of the blue. Come, let's cry together. I'd really love to get comments on this one as we all suffer together. I'm putting up the first five chapters today to guilt myself into finishing it.

Marco wasn't exactly sure what he had expected would happen. Well, no, he had a grandiose vision of them landing their ship in the Mall of America and coming out to see thousands of adoring people praising them for saving the world.

Instead, Ax's new courier ship was immediately intercepted by fighter jets and forcefully escorted to NORAD's facility in the Cheyenne Mountains. The newly minted Prince Aximili was about to have his first real experience in diplomacy. And he was about to have it in the underground bunker where Stargate SG-1was set. Ax and Marco had been watching it every Sunday for years. If they were about to be interrogated by the American government, it was kind of an ironic place for it all to go down.

It would have been pretty funny to look at too. Three human kids, a weird mutant deer alien with a red-tailed hawk perched on its shoulder. It was going to be a big news day but Marco had the feeling that only one of them was going to be the poster child and that would be good old Big Jake. Poor sucker.

The five of them were kept in a windowless room and brought out one by one. Jake first, then Cassie. Both Ax and Tobias morphed human for their interviews. None of them came back, leaving Marco sitting in a terrible folding chair humming "One is the Loneliest Number" to himself.

Eventually a pair of soldiers came for him. He went along willingly and was left in a room with a two-sided mirror. He sat at one side of the desk, facing towards the mirror. He gave a little wave and blew a kiss to whoever was watching.

A moment later the door opened and a staunch man with an over starched collar and a visible lack of a sense of humour came in. He wore one of the light green pins that Marco had seen earlier, which he guessed meant that he wasn't a Controller. Marco glanced at his pips. A General. They were bringing out the big guns on this one.

The General rubbed his forehead. "Mister Diaz, today has been a very long day. I imagine even longer for you than for me. I've heard all your friends' stories and if I didn't see of it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it. I don't imagine there's much you're going to add to the narrative tonight. We've sent a communiqué out to your parents informing that you are alive and in custody. You will be stationed at this Complex until the American government decides what is the next best course of action. You will spend the first three days in quarantine but afterwards you will be allowed access to the rest of the base."

"So I'm going to be here awhile then," Marco commented.

The General shrugged. "I don't know, kid. Now, I'm going to have to ask you a few standard questions. When we're done, you'll be sent to the barracks with your friends. You will be monitored every moment of your stay here. Every moment. So don't try to turn into a beetle or something and crawl out. Or a gorilla. I've seen footage of your work. It is...remarkable, certainly."

Marco replied, "I can play nice. What do you want to know?"

The General never gave his name but Marco referred to him in his head as Hammond. He asked about a dozen questions, mostly about the more recent missions where they had involved themselves fairly closely with the military. There were a few questions about the Andalites and despite how much time he had spent with Ax, there wasn't a lot that he could add that was helpful.

Finally, Marco was released and brought into a single cell. There was only one bed. He looked back at the guard in confusion as the door locked behind him. Marco banged on the door a few times but no one returned. When Hammond had meant barracks, he meant the brig. Marco was going to be spending three days in complete solitary to prove there wasn't a yeerk in his head. He swore a few times, banged on the door once more, and then laid down.

<Marco? I believe I may be in the cell beside you. Please attack the door again if you can hear me.>

Ax's voice wasn't much more than a whisper. Marco hit the door and Ax excitedly answered, <Marco, I am so glad to hear your outburst.>

Marco asked aloud, "Ax, can you hear me?"

After a long time Ax replied, <I imagine you attempted to see if I could hear your voice. I believe that our rooms must be soundproof with the slight exception of the door. You could attempt a morph and use thought speech?>

Marco looked up at the security camera. That wasn't a good idea. He had other human morphs. Maybe if he just went a little bit, just enough, he might be able to...no, even Cassie couldn't do that and he was the remedial morpher.

Ax said, <You have probably been ordered not to leave your human form. That is probably for the best. It would be difficult to deal with only your presence for seventy-two of your hours.>

Marco muttered, "They're your hours too, buddy. I guess you can't hear Tobias. That doesn't sound good at all."

Marco laid back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. The overhead light flickered off and Marco groaned. Apparently the Army thought it was past his bedtime.

Ax admitted, <I do not want to be in this room. It is too small for someone of your height and stature. It feels like I am in a tomb.>

Marco reached out and put his hand against the wall. "Ax, I know you can't hear me, but I'm right here, okay? You're a War Prince now and the official liaison with Earth. They're not going to lock you up forever. They've all seen _The Day the Earth Stood Still_. No one wants to piss off the highly advanced know-it-all aliens. It's going to be okay."

Ax was quiet for a long time and Marco hoped he had fallen asleep. He closed his own eyes, only realizing then how exhausted he was.

He dreamed of Rachel being slashed in two and woke knowing that the memory of her death was going to haunt his nightmares for the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not know there was a cartoon character named Marco Diaz until after I wrote most of the fic so I just kept it. Our Marco was given the last name "Diaz" in honour of Rosa Diaz on Brooklyn 99.


	2. Jake

Jake was retrieved first from his cell. He was allowed a long lingering shower and given basic clothes to wear. He ate in the mess hall alone - he had no memory what he ate but it tasted amazing after 72 hours of ham sandwiches. Then he was brought into a conference room and told to wait. He watched the clock. Over an hour went by before Cassie was led into the room. Their eyes met and Jake's heart stopped.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

He had three days to think over every terrible thing she would say to him. He never expected her to kiss him, but she did. He held her gently, like he might break her if he pressed into her skin too hard. She drew him close and rested her head against his chest.

"No," she finally answered. "I'm not okay."

He murmured, "Me neither."

Within the hour, the rest of their team entered the room, followed by General Mallory.

"Good morning," he greeted. "Now that you have completed quarantine, I wanted to update you on what happens next. It has been decided that all of you will be transferred to Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton. All branches of the US military will have members stationed there as we stabilize the area surrounding the detonation site. Housing will be available to you and your families if you so choose. You will be assigned a military liaison who will be checking in frequently on your whereabouts and activities. You will return to base when requested. While none of you are soldiers in our military, you are expected to hold yourself to the same morals that we expect of our men."

Cassie said firmly, "I have no interest in being apart of the military."

"And you'll excuse my pardon when I say that you will not be regardless, miss. Women are not allowed to take part in combat duty. The four of you are meant to be a resource for our own knowledge and understanding. Your physical capabilities are not to be used to an extraordinary degree or in any battle situation."

"So I can become a gorilla to show off to babes but I can't drive a tank?" Marco asked.

General Mallory sighed. "We cannot stop you from using your abilities but you are expected to not bring attention to yourselves. You have to understand, kids. You are the only five people -um, beings - on this planet who have this ability that were never Controllers. The general public will not recognize you and only see something that is associated with the enemy. We do not have the resources to protect you off base. Do you hear what I am saying? We are trying to give you the opportunity to lead normal, healthy lives. You're being discharged. You're done."

Jake protested, "We know this war better than anyone. You need us."

Mallory reminded, "We do, yes, _as a resource_. The United States of America does not condone child soldiers. You are not being exiled, you're being promoted."

Tobias asked, <And me and Ax?>

Mallory said, "Mister Walker, you have been listed as a causality of war. We are setting up a caseworker with Veterans Affairs to look into how you can be rehabilitated. We expect that it will be difficult adjusting to a fully human life again-"

Tobias interrupted, <You're expecting me to become a human _nothlit_? Do I even get a choice? >

Mallory continued, "And you, er, Ax. You are free to do your duties as the Andalite council seems fit. In conjunction with the UN and the White House, of course. Right now your people are also working out of Camp Pendleton so we'll give you a ride there too."

<And my ship?>

"Confiscated, I'm afraid for now. Right now, no alien ships in the US."

Marco muttered, "Real Estate in Roswell must be at an all time low."

Mallory concluded, "You'll be leaving at 1100. I suggest that you call your families before you depart so they are assured of your safety."

Jake blurted out, "Sir, are my parents okay? Has anyone found them?"

General Mallory apologized, "I'm sorry, Mister Berensen. I thought you had been informed. If you like, we can speak privately about-"

Jake felt sick. "They're dead, aren't they?"

"Their bodies were identified yesterday morning. I am truly sorry, Mister Berensen."

To his credit, General Mallory did seem apologetic but Jake was still in a near rage. He wanted to scream at him, hit him, anything, but Cassie gripped his arm and Jake kept silent. When Mallory left, Cassie hugged him tightly. He thought about pushing her away but he wasn't strong enough. The last pieces of him were already breaking.

 


	3. Ax

As to General Mallory's request, Ax stepped off the plane as a human and stayed in that form as they were shuttled to military housing. He looked out the window, watching the various soldiers jogging past them. Camp Pendleton was almost at capacity, even with so many men being stationed directly in the former war zone. It made Ax feel like he was home again. Of all the human experiences, this was the most familiar.

The five of them were given a four-bedroom townhouse. None of their families were there yet, but Rachel's mother and sisters would arrive in the morning. Cassie's family had flat out refused the offer but the Diaz-Santiago's had agreed to spend a few days at the base to discuss their options. Loren had already returned to their hometown, wanting to get back to work as soon as possible.

For the first time since the war was over, the five of them were finally alone together. Standing in that front hall, no one knew what to say.

Unexpectedly, it was Marco who took charge.

"Ax, Birdman, you should go demorph and get some grub. I'm going to see what they stocked the fridge with. Jake, you stink, go have a shower. Cassie, go see what's on TV tonight. I'm thinking Swayze. Surprise me with whatever you find."

Everyone looked at him and he threw his arms up. "What? I'm used to living with depressed dysfunctional zombies. Go, go do stuff."

Ax commented, "There is no edible grass in the backyard."

Marco sighed, "Then eat some inedible grass until I see what I've got to feed the rest of us. You can go grocery shopping with me and we'll find a park so you can terrify children while you eat."

Cassie asked, "How are you going grocery shopping?"

Marco gestured outside. "I may have lied and said I had my driver's license. They left us a truck in case we needed to get into town. I figure I can get us there and back without hitting anything."

The pair of them started arguing and Ax went into the fenced backyard. He demorphed and looked around for any non-terrible patch to eat. The drought had killed off most of the grass but he managed to eat a little. After awhile, Marco came out and left a shallow metal pan of water for him. Ax lowered a hoof and drank.

<Thank you,> he said.

Marco shrugged. "No problem."

He sat down on the back step, waiting for Ax to finish. Ax felt a little self-conscious but he was incredibly thirsty. When he had his fill, Marco took the pan and dumped the rest on the pathetic excuse for grass.

"You want to morph back?" Marco asked. "I want to get back early enough to make dinner. Cassie said _Dirty Dancing_ is playing at 7 and while it's not my preferred Swayze, I can deal with it."

Ax changed back to human and put his shoes on. He followed Marco back through the house, noticing Cassie on the couch watching Discovery Channel. She absentmindedly waved at them both on their way out the door.

Marco nearly had to climb up to get into the truck. Ax sat beside him and buckled in. He held tightly to what Marco had referred to as the "Jesus" bar and Marco rolled his eyes. He turned on the engine and with surprising adequacy brought them out of the compound and down the road.

Marco glanced at him briefly. "So...you want to talk about what happened in Cheyenne?"

 For a moment, Ax wasn't sure what he was talking about but it started trickling back to him. He had been incredibly dehydrated as the soldiers were only bringing him water in plastic cups and iceberg lettuce. He slept less than the humans and had more time to himself to think. All of this on top of being in a closed space, Ax had not been in his right mind. He had blabbed on and on to Marco, not sure he could hear him. Maybe it didn't matter if he could.

 Ax had once walked with Marco into his church, on a Tuesday afternoon when they could be sure it was empty. Marco had showed where the priest and believers hid to talk about all the bad things that the believers did. Marco said he hadn't gone to this ritual called Confession since the beginning of the war, though sometimes he went to Mass when he was feeling particularly guilty. He knew if he went to Confession, he said, he wasn't going to be able to say what was really on his mind without risking everything. Ax had asked him then if he would go when the war was over, but Marco decided that the tour was over and that they needed to leave.

 Ax had thought of that in the quiet. It was not unlike that ritual. To be alone and to speak without being judged. To be told what to do to make it right. Ax wasn't sure everything he had said, there had been so much and he had been so ill. Ax tried to remember what exactly had made Marco seem so nervous.

 "I'm guessing not then," Marco commented. "Fine. It's not like I'm the King of talking about feelings. Look, we were all under stress and I know you weren't you. So if it was some weird fever dream or something, that's fine. I just wanted to know where you were at so this whole living together thing isn't awkward."

Ax admitted, "I know that I was probably very annoying and I did not shut up. But I do not know what I said to make you so upset. I would not want to hurt you. If I did, I am very sorry."

Marco asked, "You don't remember, do you?"

 Ax shook his head, but not too fast as that always made him dizzy.

 They had arrived at a convenience store and Marco parked the truck with less skill than either of them would have wanted.

 Marco said, "I've only got forty bucks so you can pick _one_ thing. The rest has to be actual food, okay? You think you can behave yourself?"

Ax perked up. Convenience stores had many specialty items and many snacks. There were few things that were not meant for eating. He would have to choose very carefully.

Marco smirked. "You can go a little wild. Just for old time's sake."

They went inside the store and Ax stayed with Marco for approximately seven seconds. Then he went carefully down each aisle, looking at new flavourable hot sauces that he not yet tried out. Each was a delicious shade of red, orange, or yellow and he wanted to scoop them all into his arms. He settled finally on his much loved Tabasco, deciding that he would rather have something comforting and familiar. There was not enough for everyone to drink but perhaps all could have a "shot" with dinner.

Picking up the bottle, he thought fondly of Marco. He had expected him to be the most adjusted but it was good to have that suspicion confirmed. He had often relied on Marco in navigating human culture and of their friends, his friendship with him was the easiest. Not always but they had come to understand the other and adjust their lives around the other. Ax had opened his Scoop to Marco and Marco had changed it certainly, but only for the better. It had felt less and less a temporary shelter and more a home. And at that thought, Ax knew exactly what he had said that had upset Marco so much.

It had been in the sixty-eighth hour. Ax was almost hallucinating by then, daydreaming that he was back in the Scoop. Marco was nearby on the stolen couch, resting on his belly and his arms tucked under his head. Ax wasn't sure if he was asleep and reached out with his human hand to touch him. Marco stirred, blinking his soft brown eyes. He was tired but he didn't scold him for waking him. Marco pulled Ax to him and brought him onto the couch and snuggled against his chest. Marco wasn't physically affectionate like some humans were and Ax typically was more reserved but this felt right. 

Marco's fingers brushed against his chest and Ax's breath caught. Marco's mouth ghosted above his neck before giving the lightest kiss against his skin.

"I missed you," Marco admitted. "I don't want to be away from you that long again."

Ax said, "If you ask me to stay, I will."

Marco raised his head and their faces were so close together Ax could barely see.

Marco murmured, "I'm selfish but I'm not that selfish. You should go home, Ax."

Ax pleaded, "Ask me to stay, Marco." 

The human kissed him and it was so different than it had been with Estrid. He had cared for her, been a bit infatuated with her, but this shook him to his core. The hallucination had been so real and it left behind an ache Ax couldn't explain or understand.

And now as he stood in the condiments aisle, it all came back to him just as vividly. That was what Marco must have heard. Ax must have thought it aloud. Marco wanted to know if he still felt that way.

Ax panicked and ran out of the store. He sat in the passenger seat of the truck and buckled in, anxious to go back to the house. Ax looked back into the store to see if his friend was nearly done. Marco was at the cash, flirting with the middle-aged woman at the till. She scoffed at him but was still smiling. She picked up a chocolate bar and tossed it in the bag. Marco gave her a salute and walked back out to the truck.

Marco sat in the driver's seat and handed him a Mars bar. "I'm going guess you were tearing yourself away from the candy aisle before you ate all of it. I looked for a Milky Way first but you, my alien friend, will have to settle with something from our solar system."

Ax took it tentatively. "Thank you."

They drove back to the house in silence. Marco started dinner and Ax retreated into the living room. Jake had joined Cassie on the couch and she was resting against his chest. Both looked as if they were falling asleep.

 Ax joined Marco in the kitchen. There wasn't enough space really for him to be there but he didn't want to be alone. Marco said nothing, just gave him a smirk before going back to the meal.


	4. Cassie

With Ax and Marco at the store and Tobias out hunting, Cassie was incredibly conscious of the fact that she and Jake would soon be alone again. She shouldn't have kissed him. She knew at the time it was a mistake but she did it anyways. Because he was alive and so was she and she knew that until that fully sunk in, she wanted to prove again and again that it was real.

Jake came out from the shower, his hair still wet and slightly soaking his shirt. He looked so small and sheepish, nothing like the general she had seen days before. For the first time in a long time, he looked young. He didn't look like the man he had become but the boy she had first fallen in love with. 

She started, "Jake, I-" 

He kissed her and held her to him as if she could save him. Maybe she could. He had done terrible things, they all had, but there was a piece of them both that was capable of love, of joy. She clung to that as hard as he clung to her.

She put her hands on his chest and gently pushed him away. "We should talk."

He took her hands in his. "I know, but right now I can't."

"Then...then maybe we should just watch TV," she offered. "It's still Shark Week and we've got cable."

Jake agreed and they sat together on the couch. She leaned against his chest and nestled into him but nothing further happened. Cassie had never been so grateful for Discovery Channel. No one felt like making out watching nature documentaries. 

Marco made tacos from mostly pre-packaged foods. The one of the two things that seemed to actually be real was the ground beef and he had left some of it for Tobias in a little bowl. The other was a head of iceberg lettuce that seemed to be more of a comedic prop for Marco to make fun of Ax with. Dinner was messy and too complicated for much conversation and Cassie suspected that Marco had did that on purpose. It might as well been a vehicle for the very large bottle of Tabasco sauce Marco had bought.

When Ax had destroyed the last of their food, all sat at the table in an uncomfortable silence. Marco almost immediately brought everyone into the living room and turned on the TV. He pointed at the screen and snapped his fingers.

"We're not moping. Swayze, now."

Cassie had watched _Dirty Dancing_ before but it had been a long enough time that she could force herself to focus on it. They mostly watched it in silence with occasionally Marco making a half-hearted joke.

 Late in the movie, Ax questioned, <What sort of illness does that woman have?>

The group exchanged a glance and Cassie answered, "She was pregnant and she couldn't have the baby. So she went to someone for help but they took advantage of her. She got an infection and now Baby's father is helping her get better."

Ax asked further, <Did she already have a child? Is this why she could not have another? Why would she attempt a pregnancy when she did not want one?>

Marco laughed, "Shit, did we really go three years without anyone giving Ax the Talk? Hey, Tobias, you're a bird and he knows about you, just fill him in on the bees and we're done."

Ax's stalk eyes looked between Tobias and Marco. <I have seen that those who are Young and Restless express physical affection with their mouths and bodies. Is that what you are inferring? Is this somehow related to copulation?>

Jake starting giggling and broke into a full laugh. It wasn't a healthy, normal sort of laugh. It was the kind of one that made them all worry he was losing it.

Marco said, "I'll buy you a copy of "Our Bodies, Our Selves" tomorrow, buddy. Unless you want to fill him in, future Doctor DeConnick?"

Cassie was glad her skin was dark enough to cover her blushing. "Let's just watch the movie."

Marco agreed, "I'm sure watching more physical affection will help clear this all up. Now Ax, normally there's less dancing when people bone but this is Swayze we're talking about. He didn't get those abs from reading sonnets."

Tobias asked, <How many times exactly have you seen this movie, Marco?>

"Well, now that the war is over and I no longer have to pretend to be a tough guy, I can happily admit that I've definitely worn out my VHS copy. That reminds me, if anyone joins the looting in our good old hometown, will someone rob a Blockbuster for me and get me a new one?"

Cassie snorted a laugh and covered her mouth. "Sorry, I just had this image of Rachel in elephant morph at a Jumbo Video pushing looters away to get you a tape."

Cassie suddenly felt incredibly guilty and ashamed. She should be mourning, not making jokes about her martyred best friend. She looked to Tobias but the hawk gave away nothing.

Marco grinned. "Hey, there you go, that's the first time one of us mentioned her without breaking down into hysterical crying. Point to Cassie. Your future therapist will be so proud."

It went to commercial break and soon an ad for a sugary, fruity cereal began to play. It all felt so absurd. Less than a week since it had been revealed that aliens had been invading the planet and already TV stations had stopped their 24-hour news coverage and gone back to playing decade old movies and selling children processed sugar.

Trying to engage with reality, Cassie considered the next day. "Rachel's family will be here tomorrow. I think we let them have the room with the two double beds. Marco's parents can take the one queen. Then we have two beds and a couch for the rest of us."

Tobias said, <The previous resident left a low hanging chin up bar in second bedroom. Ax-man, if you want to drag some cushions in there, you could be pretty comfortable. Marco, you want to take the bed?>

"The Scoop boys are back together again," Marco cheered.

Jake cleared his throat. "Cassie, I'll take the couch. You should get a good night's sleep."

"Jake, I couldn't-"

"I insist, really, I don't want to-"

Marco groaned, "For the love of God, stop. We've been sharing a bed since we were like six, I can handle you for another night. Jake, welcome to the Scoop boys. We'll require your tragic backstory at the door. Cassie, enjoy your feminine solitude."

Tobias pointed out, <You could each have your own bed tonight and worry about this tomorrow.>

Marco shot him a look. "And change all the sheets? I don't feel like doing laundry just so my parents don't get blue fur and feathers everywhere. Now that we've established that and _These Messages_ are over, can we just go back to the movie?"

It wasn't that late when the movie ended but everyone got ready for bed anyways. Cassie went into her room alone, feeling a bit guilty for not fighting harder to share it. The previous owner had left a few paperbacks behind but Cassie wasn't a John Grisham fan. She turned off the lights and pulled the blankets tightly around her.

At 1:00am, she still wasn't asleep. She finally got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, only to find Jake watching the TV on mute. He was watching a 24 hour news channel, seeing the devastation of their home and the government response. The closed captioning showed the President's official address to the nation in a broken scroll.

Cassie murmured, "You should turn it off, Jake."

She expected more of a fight from him but he did as she asked, the room suddenly dark. She sat beside him on the couch and put her hand on his cheek. He had been crying, his face nearly sticky with tears.

"I can't sleep," he whispered. "I keep thinking about tomorrow. I can't face her. I can't face any of them. I talked to Naomi. She's not coming as my aunt, Cass. She's coming as my lawyer. She said that...she said that even war criminals should get representation."

Cassie brought her knees up on the couch and Jake pulled her into his lap. She rested against his chest, feeling his racing heart.

"Then she should be representing all of us," Cassie said gently.

Jake shook his head. "No. This is my responsibility. Everything in that last battle was my call. Tens of thousands of people died because of me. Civilians, not soldiers. You've been telling us for so long that there were Yeerks who wanted a better way and then I...I didn't care. I wanted to save Rachel and not any of those lives was worth hers. Not of yours. I could have taken James or one of his people with us but I wanted to protect the five of you. I had this thought that if I got the six of us out alive then everything was worth it. I could do whatever terrible things I needed to as long as my family survived. But I lost. Tom, my parents, Rachel..."

Cassie didn't know what to say except his name. He looked into her eyes.

Jake confessed, "It should have been me. I should have gone instead of her. Tom was my brother. If one of us had to do it, it should have been me. I was our leader. I was supposed to protect us. If one of us died, it should have been me."

Cassie kissed him, groaning inwardly at her own foolish impulse. She didn't have words to comfort him because there was nothing she could say that would. He pulled her closer to him and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

She whispered, "We still need you. I need you. I can't lose you, not now. We're going to get through this but you need to keep fighting just a little longer. Please."

He pressed his forehead against hers. "I'm so tired, Cass."

Wordlessly, she rose and pulled him to his feet. She led him into her bedroom and he laid down with her. He held her in his arms, curling protectively around her body. He kissed the back of her neck and whispered, "I'll try."

Cassie said nothing, overwhelmed by their closeness. They had always held themselves back from anything other than the occasional chaste kiss. They had never really spoken about it. It had just felt right at the time, just as it felt right now.

She took his hand in hers and finally drifted off to sleep.


	5. Tobias

Tobias didn't sleep, not really. He had only taken short naps since the final battle, only long enough to get some rest without risking nightmares. His waking thoughts were bad enough, he didn't need to relive them in technicolour.

He woke for the last time around six in the morning. He had seen Jake sneak off hours before and he still hadn't come back. Ax was now up on the bed, curled up like a sleeping deer. Marco was sprawled out, taking up almost as much space.

Tobias flew out into the living room. Jake was drinking a cup of coffee and watching the news with the sound off. He noticed Tobias and opened the sliding door to the courtyard. Tobias didn't thank him, just went out into the early morning skies. He slipped entirely into the hawk, letting it take completely over. He wasn't sure how long he was away for but he couldn't have strayed far because he heard Ax when he called for him.

<Tobias, would you please return? Your assistance would be greatly appreciated at this moment.>

Tobias turned back towards the house and swooped down into the backyard. He morphed human and entered through the back door. He came into the living room to see Jake standing nearly perfectly still as Naomi screamed at him. Ax, Cassie, and Marco watched in shock not far away. Cassie had her arms around Sarah and Jordan, Rachel's younger sisters. Sarah buried her face against Cassie, whimpering.

Naomi stopped when she saw him. She walked across the room to him and held him at arm's length. She gave him a hug and he awkwardly patted her on the back.

"I need to talk to you," Naomi said. "Would you come outside with me?"

Tobias had absolutely no interest in doing so but he followed her anyways. She slumped down in a patio chair and lit a cigarette. She offered one to him but he shook his head. She took a long drag of hers and looked up towards the sky.

"I can't believe I let it get this far. I always knew something was wrong," Naomi admitted. "For a long time I thought was just taking the divorce really hard. Her and her father were so close. But after a year, I was starting to get worried. Her eyes were different. She looked more and more like a wild animal. She would be out late and pretending she was at Cassie's place. I didn't tell the DeConnicks when I realized Rachel was lying. I knew that Rachel was going through something and I kept hoping she would come and talk to me. I tried once and she just snapped at me. I knew if I did again I would lose her."

Tobias kept his head bowed and she continued, "Then she started keeping her window open at night. I thought she had a secret boyfriend and she just didn't want to tell me. Honestly, I was relieved. I could handle her sneaking around my back for a boy, it was better than drugs or something. I tried to give her privacy because I'd rather her be at home with her boyfriend than out God knows where. But one night I couldn't sleep and I checked in on her. Then I saw a red-tailed hawk sleeping in her sock drawer. I laughed. It was weird, sure, but it explained a lot if she was keeping a secret pet. I knew Rachel was keeping secrets from me but I thought I had figured them all out."

"Alien invasion wouldn't be most people's first guess," Tobias said.

Naomi smiled sadly. "But I should have known it was serious. The months before we went into hiding...it was like she was already gone. I thought I had already lost her and I didn't know what to do. When I saw her with you though and I put two and two together...well, she and I finally talked. I know she loved you, Tobias. I know she wanted a life with you. And I know...I know you did everything to keep my baby girl sane."

Naomi started crying but forced herself to stop. "I'm sorry. I know you probably don't want to talk about this with me but I know you loved her too. And you knew her better than anyone else did. Now I'm not going to ask what you think she would do because I think we both know that. But I need to know if you think I should help Jake. If you want him to pay for what he's done, then I'll stick by you, but if you think I should try to save him, I'll do that. He's my nephew and I'll always love him but he got our Rachel killed. I don't know what happened but you do. So what do you think I should do?"

Tobias took a deep breath. "I had a long time to think when we were in quarantine. When we went, I hated him. I wanted him dead. Now, now I don't really care. I don't care about anything anymore. But I know that he's going to accept whatever punishment he gets. He's not going claim he's innocent. So yeah, I think you should represent him and the rest of us if it comes to that. If it's not you, it's going to be someone else."

Tobias hesitated and then said, "It was always going to be Rachel. She wouldn't have let anyone else go. It had to be her. She would have gone even if he didn't tell her to. She wouldn't have let the Blade Ship go without a fight."

Naomi agreed quietly, "I think you're right. Thank you. I needed to hear someone else say it. Rachel wasn't going to survive the war, one way or another. I'm just glad you were there for her when it happened. I'm glad she wasn't alone."

Naomi patted his shoulder. "I'll go talk to him. Do you need anything?"

Tobias shook his head and she went back inside. A few minutes later, Ax came out into the courtyard, looking upset.

<Rachel's mother has decided that I might be used to testify against Prince Jake,> he explained. <She would not allow me to be present because of confidentiality. I told her that I would never betray his trust but she used some...colourful metaphors to encourage me to leave.>

"She's got a point. The Andalite War Council might force you to," Tobias said.

Ax shrugged. <I have defied them before. It is, as Marco would say, not a big deal.>

Tobias smiled weakly. "I guess not."

<Are you nervous about this afternoon?>

"No," Tobias admitted. "Worst case I just fly off. They don't care about me. I don't know if the Generals even realize I'm human and not some weird genetic mistake. I'm a little worried about you though."

Ax replied, <The Andalite War Council would not allow me to come to harm, not after such a public broadcasting.>

"I'm more worried about you getting deported and the President demanding that an adult becomes the official ambassador to the UN. I get the sense you're not in a big hurry to get home. You didn't even call your parents to tell them you're okay."

Ax shuffled a hoof. <I do not want to talk about it.>

Tobias said quietly, "We don't have to."

After a long silence, Ax commented, <You are still human.>

Tobias admitted, "I'm trying to get used to it. They'll probably make me morph for the hearing this afternoon. I want to look like I'm actually human."

Ax replied, <I think your human impression is quite good as it is.>

Tobias laughed. "Thanks, man."

The sliding door opened again and Marco came out, rolling his eyes.

"I'm in a time out," he grumbled. "Apparently I wasn't taking things seriously enough."

He flopped down on the patio chair beside Tobias. "So what we talking about? Have we got to gossiping about where Jake slept last night? Did he and Cassie hook up or was my snoring so bad I drove him away?"

<Your snoring has been worse in the past and I have slept through it.>

"Jake's a lot more of a delicate flower than you," Marco teased. "You'll sleep through pretty much anything."

The two bantered and Tobias fell back into his own thoughts. He wasn't sure if he had said the right thing to Naomi. Half of him wanted to rush back in and tell her to leave him to rot. But Rachel would have wanted her to fight for him. She loved her family, for better or for worse. It was what had made he what she was; it was what had led her to her death.

Jordan and Sarah came out to the backyard, both looking sad and tired. Marco immediately stood up and announced they were going to play Pokémon and train Ax to do a cartwheel. Tobias watched them for a while and then shifted back to hawk. It was tiring, being human. He flew off, taking comfort in the hawk's lack of grief. It couldn't last forever. His hawk form was growing old. He maybe had a year if he was lucky. He would have to make a choice.

And he would have to make it soon.


	6. Marco

The first thing they did was split the group in two. A very uneven split as Ax was led to a different room while the four of them waited around a conference table. Marco nervously hummed a Pixies song until Tobias leaned in and hissed at him to stop.

The door opened and Naomi entered alongside a remarkably beautiful woman, somewhere in her early thirties. Marco sat up and squared his shoulders. Naomi sat down beside Tobias and Jake visibly slumped in his chair, Cassie holding his hand below the table.

The woman looked at the four of them and her eyebrows raised slightly. "They told me you were young but I always forget...excuse me. Let me introduce myself. My name is Corporal Sydney Azza, I have been appointed to be the official military liaison to the surviving Animorphs."

Cassie asked, "What does a military liaison do exactly?"

"You're PR, right?" Marco asked. "You're the one who gets to wrangle the talent. So when I want courtside Lakers tickets, you're the one I should go to? Or are we only famous enough to go to Clippers games?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Mister Diaz, if you think I am some celebrity agent, you are greatly mistaken. I do not represent you. I represent the President of the United States of America. If you wish, you should better think of me as your parole officer and spin-doctor in one. My job is to make sure the American public have confidence in her government. Part of that means ensuring that the Animorphs appear to be model citizens and that the President is shown to be appreciative of their sacrifices."

Jake asked, "What exactly do you mean by model citizens?"

Azza said, "We are going to be working very closely for likely many years so I'm going be frank. The White House has concerns about the optics of your militia. Twenty-six child soldiers, seventeen of which had severe disabilities. And of those twenty-six, only four survived. Looking at those four, I see limited possibilities."

Marco asked sceptically, "Limited possibilities?"

Azza explained, "The public need to see that the Animorphs were exceptional children, almost modern day saints. They need to be icons, idols, folk heroes. We need the public not to remember the four living Animorphs but those who died in combat. James Henderson is a perfect image to humanize and explain morphing technology without fear. A general who was given the power to heal from an incredible disability. A boy who died alongside his people in the battle that would decide the fate of the world. A strong, handsome American boy."

Marco crossed his arms. "You mean a white boy."

She continued, "Mister Berensen of course would be a model hero. A boy from a long line of military men, beloved grandson of a World War veteran, and descendent of a famous civil war hero. It would be quite easy to explain it as destiny. The boy who saw that evil had to be fought, no matter the cost. But it is a lot easier to present a martyr as a saint than it is a boy who called for the execution of over seventeen thousand unarmed sentient creatures. No offense, Mister Berensen. It's not judgment, it's simply optics. And Mister Diaz is correct. We would have preferred focusing on the original five as it were, but there were concerns that each of your...backgrounds would complicate the message. To put it simply, there is more that the media could find on each of you than on what you termed the auxiliary Animorphs. Mister Walker shows a great failure in the child welfare system and to explain his current condition would only increase fear in morphing technology. We are trying to limit the knowledge of how many girls were part of this militia as it only brings up questions of women serving in combat in the Army. That only leaves you, Mister Diaz."

"And I'm too Puerto Rican for Uncle Sam," he said. "I know. I'm not complaining. So what do we get in return for becoming evangelists for the new Saint James?"

Azza smiled. "That's up to you. In negotiations with Ms. Berensen, we have a tentative agreement of the following: a yearly pension of twenty thousand dollars, complete medical and dental coverage, free tuition to any public college in the country, and an officer's commission should any of you join a branch of the military. And perhaps if you play nicely, Mister Diaz, I can find budget for the occasional NBA ticket. In exchange, you do not speak to any media outlet about your story. You will write no memoirs, share nothing on message forums. If you are asked, you will tell only the details you have been authorized to share. I will be of course at your disposal in case of media scandal."

When all four stayed silent, she concluded, "You'll have forty-eight hours to consider it and to view the paperwork with your lawyers or parents."

"What about Ax?" Tobias asked.

Azza replied, "His settlement will be handled by the Andalite High Council. You will have to discuss that with your friend. Do you have any other questions?"

Jake took a shaky breath. "You got a pen?"

Azza's false smile softened. "Take the forty-eight hours, Mister Berensen. This decision will affect the rest of your life. It's best to take some time to think about it."

Jake replied, "And with respect, Corporal, the last time I waited that long on a decision I got my entire family killed off. I'd like to sign and get it over with."

Azza said more firmly, "I appreciate your service, Mister Berensen, but I cannot have it appear that we have coerced you into this agreement so quickly. For now, you are dismissed and I request that you return to your residence on site. If you truly wish to sign the NDA, you can sign it in the morning."

Naomi drove them back to the townhouse. Marco went inside and saw his parents waiting for him. He grinned and ran, tackling them both in the biggest bear hug he could. Both of them kissed his face and started asking a string of questions, half in English and half in Spanish.

Marco was too overwhelmed to answer any of them and eventually he let go.

Naomi said, "Eva, Peter, when you have a minute I'd like to talk over what happened this afternoon. When you're ready."

Marco assured them. "Go, let the lawyer explain it all. Is Ax back yet?"

Eva said, "He left again a while ago. I think he might need a bit of space."

"Aliens do from time to time," Peter agreed.

Marco groaned, "Sometimes I miss when you were depressed. Go on, we'll talk later. Frozen pizza okay for dinner tonight?"

Eva kissed his cheek. "Perfect, mi amor. Try not to burn the place down."

After a very awkwardly silent dinner, Eva pulled Marco into the family room and shut the door behind her.

"Am I in trouble?" He asked.

Eva ignored him. "Marco, are you planning to sign the NDA?"

"Probably," he answered. "It's not like I've got much of a choice and they're giving us an okay deal. I mean, it throws out my dream of writing a memoir called "The Gorilla Speaks" but we can't have everything. What do you think about it?"

Eva admitted, "I do want you to but I have to admit it's for selfish reasons."

She handed him a folded piece of paper. He flipped it open to see a list of names and addresses. It had come from a website called noyeerkamnesty.com and a time stamp of an hour ago. Marco frowned as he saw his mother's name, former job title, and the address of their house. Underneath, there was a list of crimes that Visser One had committed throughout the war. He stopped reading it after a single line.

Eva explained, "It went up yesterday but we only found out about it when we arrived on base. A few former Hosts have already gone missing and one has been found dead. I want you to sign it so you'll be under military protection in case someone comes after me."

"But you didn't do anything," Marco protested. "You were enslaved. People can't just think you signed up for this shit."

"But some people did," Eva reminded. "It's more complicated than just slaves and masters. People are angry and they want revenge. I understand it, I really do. Even if it wasn't me, they will blame me because it was my face. It's the same reason why the government doesn't want you using your morphing powers. Besides you and your friends, everyone who has that ability was once a Controller. People will hurt you because they think you're one of them."

"So you think we should hide?" Marco asked angrily. "You shouldn't have to run away from your life because of some assholes who don't have the story straight."

Eva touched his face. "Marco, I don't want to spend the rest of my life defending myself. Your father and I both have a lot of unhappy memories here and we want to start fresh. Come with us to Miami. You can finish high school, spend more time with all your cousins. Meet new people, experience new things. We can move forward, together."

"You're not telling me I'm going with you?"

"No, but I want you to. I want us to be a family again. I dreamed so long about being with you two. I missed you every single day and I want to be able to give you everything I couldn't for so long," Eva said softly. "But I love you and I love the man you're growing into. I want you to be happy and that's okay if that's not with us. I wasn't much older than you when I left Puerto Rico and not much older than that before I met your father and moved to the west coast. I know that you've had to grow up quickly and I'm so sorry for that. I know that means I might have to let you go for now."

Marco had waited five years for this moment. His mother was alive and safe. His father was bright and beaming. They could be a family again. Marco could throw in the dishtowel and actually let his parents take care of him. He could go to some Floridan high school and convince everyone he knew LA celebrities. He could meet a cute Cuban girl and lose his virginity to her in the back of their prom limo. He could wrestle alligators - okay, that one was a bit close to his old life but it was an option. It was all he had wanted for so long and he opened his mouth to say that duh, of course he was going, but all that came out was a shaky sigh.

"I can't," Marco admitted. "God, I really, really want to but I can't. Now right now at least. Maybe in a few months. It's what, May now? Give me the summer just to work things out and then maybe in September I'll start Junior year over there."

Eva asked, "Where will you stay?"

Marco shrugged. "I don't know, wherever we all end up I guess. I'll be okay."

Eva kissed his forehead. "Phone me at your Tia's when you're ready. I want to hear from you when you're settled. I love you, Marco."

He hugged her, holding her tighter than he meant to. She held the back of his head and murmured soft gentle things in Spanish, telling him how much she loved him and how proud she was of him. Marco wanted to linger in that moment as long as he could, but eventually he had to let her go.

"When are you leaving?" He asked.

Eva replied, "We're flying out tomorrow morning at 10:15."

"I'll drive you to the airport," Marco said. "Maybe we can get up early and have breakfast together first."

Eva shook her head. "I don't want you to drive home by yourself. You shouldn't be driving anyways but I don't want you to drive while you're upset."

"It's an hour. I think I can handle it," Marco retorted.

Eva sighed. "It's up to you. Think about it though, okay?"

Marco nodded. "Yeah, I will. I'm going to go brush my teeth. We'll leave at seven? It'll give us enough time to grab some McDonalds before hitting all that traffic."

Eva kissed his forehead. "Go get some sleep. I love you."

Marco almost stumbled up the stairs to get to his room. Only Ax was there, flipping through a magazine that appeared to be stolen from a waiting room. He looked up but his stalk eyes were still clearly looking at a recipe for cinnamon bun pancakes.

"Hey," Marco said. "Where'd you run off to?"

Ax explained, <I went to a park to eat. A young mother at the playground thought I was a very sick deer and tried to bring me to a veterinarian. I tried to explain but she insisted I was given a check up. I am told I am in excellent health.>

Marco laughed. "Well, good to know you can still rely on the kindness of strangers."

< _A Streetcar Named Desire_ ,> Ax commented.

"You became a Tennessee Williams fan when I wasn't looking?"

<We watched the film several months ago. I believe at the time you said it was Marlon Brando's grittiest work. I did agree that he did seem in need of a shower and fresh clothes.>

Marco sat on the floor beside him and glanced at the magazine. "You know, I've never successfully flipped a pancake in my life."

<Would you attempt again?>

Marco rested his head on his shoulder. "For you? I'd try."

Ax beamed. <Thank you, Marco.>

Marco's chest tightened slightly. "No problem."

_____________________

Marco got into the truck, surprised to see a human Ax in the backseat beside Peter. The two were in deep conversation about...string theory maybe? Marco was never good at math or anything related to it. He buckled up, glancing over at Eva.

She insisted, "You need a friend."

"I'm fine," Marco retorted. "Now I just have to take a bathroom break every two hours so he doesn't get stuck like that. Earth is not ready for a permanently human Ax. We'd all starve to death in a week."

Eva smirked. "The way you cook, I think we'd be fine. He might even go on a diet."

"Hey!"

Ax looked up at him. "Hay is for horses. I am an Andalite."

Marco turned the keys. "You know I taught him that one. I've been regretting it ever since."

Eva looked back over her shoulder and smiled at Peter. He winked at her before diving back into conversation with Ax.

Even though it had been very recently the near end of the world, traffic was still terrible. Marco had barely gotten to his parents to the airport in time. He hugged them both quickly and Peter shook Ax's hand. Eva said something really quietly to him and Ax's ears went bright red.

They drove back towards Pendleton but pulled off the highway for them to grab an early lunch at a diner. Ax snuck off to the accessible washroom to demorph and remorph and joined Marco at an overly padded booth. Marco looked over his menu to see Ax carefully debating his choices to see which would be least suspicious to serve with vinegar.

Marco cleared his throat. "So...Ax. What exactly did my mother say to you?"

Ax smiled at him almost sheepishly. "Nothing."

Marco raised an eyebrow. "Nothing?"

Ax shook his head and the waitress came over for their orders. The topic was dropped as Ax started defending the sheer amount of vinegar that fries required and Marco needed to intervene, lying about it being a Canadian delicacy: the sour poutine. She didn't quite buy it but didn't want to offend her northern neighbour and served it anyways.

On the way home, Ax looked over at Marco and watched him for a while. Marco glanced at him and then looked back at the road.

"Something on your mind?" Marco asked.

Ax smiled and shook his head once more. "Nothing."

Marco rolled his eyes and kept driving.


	7. Ax

"So, I think we should talk," Marco said. "I know that our fearless leader is out of commission at this moment so I'll start this little sharing circle. I'm sure we've all figured out different shit from all our very weird interactions this week. Since no one seems to trust us or tell us anything, let's do a little detective work on our own. Ax, you're the one who got moved to the other room for health class. You want to tell us what the Andalites have got going on?"

He truly, truly did not. However, he had nearly lost all of their trust when it had been revealed he had been in contact with the Andalite fleet. He did not want to start lying to them again.

Ax revealed, <As I suspected would be the case, the Andalite War Council is opposed to my position as diplomat. My successor has already left the homeworld and should arrive in six months. I have been told to "hang tight" until then. My superiors have made it quite clear that my new title as Prince is a formality and that my future in the military will be discussed once I arrive home.>

"So you're looking at a year before you're back?" Marco asked.

Ax agreed, <It seems so. You are not rid of me so easily. My parents however are less enthused. It appears a local politician has been spreading rumours about both me and Elfangor's activities on Earth. It is said that he has fathered over a dozen human children and that I have been a human spy for the past three years. It is amusing as long as one does not constantly have to hear it from their neighbours.>

"Great," Marco said. "Glad that the Andalite Enquirer is doing well. Anyone else?>

<They've embedded trackers in us. I felt mine the first time I morphed after Cheyenne,> Tobias explained. <They're monitoring where we are and if we're morphing. That's why they're okay with letting us go around as we are. They want us to think they trust us when they clearly don't.>

"It's smart," Marco commented, "and honestly if it gets me off base I don't really care. If they really want to find us, they're going to find us."

"You really don't care?" Cassie asked. "You're okay with being monitored the rest of you life? They're treating us like we were the criminals, not the Yeerks."

Prince Jake murmured, "We were all criminals, Cassie. If they want to give us parole, I'm going to take it."

Marco sighed. "Thanks for that, buddy. Look, if it becomes an issue, they don't know we know. We'll get them out and go on the run. I'm just saying that we have the chance for once to pick our battles. I think we wait on this one for now. So, the NDA. What's everyone's game plan here? Me? I'm down. It's going to make my mother's life a lot easier and that's basically all I care about. How about you, birdboy? You going to use a personalized quill off your back?"

Tobias answered quietly, <I don't care. I don't need the pension or the tuition. I just want them to let me go.>

Jake agreed, "Me too."

"Well," Marco said. "This has been encouraging. Cassie?"

She shook her head. "I'm not sure."

Marco smirked. "Now that's a relief. It wouldn't feel right unless Cassie was the only one who disagreed."

"I just need more time," she said. "I think I need to see my family first."

Marco agreed, "Yeah. That's not the worst idea. I'll drive you if you want. I don't think they've got Greyhounds going up that way yet and it's not like the military doesn't know where the Hork-Bajir are. What do you say?"

Cassie nodded. "Okay."

Marco asked, "Anyone else want to go on a road trip? No? Great. Cassie, go pack up your things and kiss your boyfriend goodbye. If anyone needs us, we'll be enjoying a six-course feast of bark. Before we go, anything else?"

Tobias asked, <What happens if we don't sign it?>

Prince Jake replied, "I don't think we want to find out."

Ax left as the conversation continued and went out the front. He paced through the ornamental lawn, stopping when he heard the door open. Marco left the townhouse, muttering under his breath. He saw Ax and he smiled.

"You coming with us?"

Ax was torn. Prince Jake was obviously in great personal distress and Tobias was his _shorm_ and nephew. Tobias had gone through one of the greatest losses Ax could imagine and should also not be left alone to dwell. Then again, Marco had been the greatest source of comfort over the past week and he was reluctant to leave him.

Marco seemed to sense this and said, "Ax, stay with them. We'll find each other again soon enough."

Ax was unsure why he leaned out and held Marco's face against his palm. It was a fairly friendly gesture among humans but it was one of great intimacy among his people. It was almost if he had a compulsive urge to kiss him goodbye. To his greater surprise, Marco leaned into his touch and smiled again.

"I'll be right back," Marco promised. "I won't leave you with those two heaps of depression any longer than I need to. Okay?"

Ax nodded and let go. <Drive safe, Marco.>

"Hey, it's me. I'll be fine."

<You have nearly caused three accidents within the past four hours.>

"I should probably take some lessons, huh?"

<That would be advisable.>

Marco climbed into the truck and honked its horn. Cassie emerged from the house, leaving their forlorn leader waiting in the doorway. Ax watched the truck leave, waving goodbye as humans do. He stood until the truck was no longer in sight.

Ax entered the house and Rachel's two sisters ran up to him. They wanted to play the same games as they had the day before and Ax reluctantly agreed. It was not the same without Marco. He was not nearly as good with children as he was.

Prince Jake had left for a meeting with Naomi and Ax remained to "baby sit". The afternoon passed slowly. Ax watched cartoons with the children and looked out the window from time to time to see if Tobias had returned. It was nearly evening before the Prince and his lawyer returned and Ax was grateful to see them. He knew very little about cooking human food and he did not trust himself to order in.

Naomi took her daughters out for dinner, leaving the two of them alone with a pair of sandwiches. Ax offered both to his friend, but Prince Jake left without eating. He went into what had been Cassie's bedroom and did not come out for the rest of the evening. Ax went to his own bedroom and formed a sort of next out of pillows and cushions. He had begun to doze off when he heard a tap at the window. He rose and opened it, letting Tobias fly inside.

Ax was relieved to see him. <I was not sure if you were coming back.>

<Me neither,> Tobias said, <but I needed to tell you I was okay. I'm going to go back to my old territory for a few days. I just need to be alone for a while.>

Ax nodded. <Then I will stay here and watch Prince Jake.>

Tobias argued, <Ax, I don't know if there's anything you can do for him right now. Don't let him drag you down with him. I don't know what you're going through but I know you're not doing hot either. Do you have to stick around for big official military stuff or can you bail?>

Ax hesitated. He should not leave without informing his superiors or Corporal Azza. It had been made clear that he was supposed to be contactable at any time. And Prince Jake should not be left alone, not when he was in such a state. Ax had seen sometimes what had become of warriors who loved battle too much. He would not wish it on anyone, never mind his friend.

Tobias said, <Fine. I'll see you later, Ax.>

Tobias flew off and Ax leaned on the windowsill, looking up at the night sky. He looked towards his home world and his hearts ached. Six Earth months to reach it. The sooner he left, the sooner he could cross those stars and be with his parents again. It was everything he wanted for so long and now...now it hurt to even consider.

Ax was lost and he was afraid. He didn't want to abandon his friends, not now, not ever. Tobias needed him and Ax had been in such a state he hadn't been able to react. He needed to be there for him and Ax needed...he didn't know what he needed but he knew it was not something that could be found on Andalite.

The night grew dark and Ax made his decision. He morphed human and with imprecise letters wrote a note. He rewrote it in his head a dozen times before making it as simple as this:

_If I am not here when you return, I will meet you at the DeConnick's farm. I will wait as long as it takes for you to arrive._

He hesitated, overthought it, but finally committed it to paper:

_I meant it. If you ask me to stay, I will stay.  
_

He folded it and wrote Marco's name on top of it. He placed it on the kitchen counter and went out to the courtyard. From human to Andalite to owl, he flew up into the night sky and headed south.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just realized the original version of this chapter referenced a conversation Ax has with his parents week later so we'll just fix that now....


	8. Cassie

The DeConnick family was determined to stay in the Hork-Bajir valley. As more and more former Controllers fought shelter among them, the more and more injuries and illnesses revealed themselves. Since there were no doctors among them and Michelle and Walter were big game veterinarians, it seemed a natural fit. The DeConnicks were pioneers in this new field of xeno medicine and they were willing to follow them anywhere. The Californian government was currently working on a strategy for housing and protecting the Hork-Bajir but until then, they would be allowed to remain in the valley that had sheltered them during the war.

Cassie could have stayed. Maybe she should have. She had wanted her parents' support and advice for years when she had to keep her struggles secret. And now that everything was in the open, all she wanted to do was curl up and hide. So after a long talk, Michelle and Walter hugged their daughter and let her go.

She climbed back into the truck where Marco waited for her.

"Where to?" Marco asked.

"Home," Cassie murmured. "I want to go home."

"That's poetic and all but you're going to have to be a bit more specific than that," he retorted.

Cassie asked, "Could you take me back to the farm?"

Marco drove them back to their hometown and dropped her off at the end of the lane way. She turned back to thank him but he was already gone.

To her surprise, the farm had survived the war, probably being so out of town that the blast did not damage. It was empty, even the barn, which had always been smelly and noisy in the best way possible. She sat in one of the stalls, looking back out on the space that had served as their meeting hall. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine the other five right there. If she closed her eyes, her best friend was still alive and vibrant. She had burned the most brightly out of all of them, even if that meant turning into a wildfire. Cassie wasn't sure if she would have survived the end of the fight. She would have howled her way through quarantine, though maybe Tobias would have been able to comfort her as Ax had been there for Marco.

Cassie had always worn her hair short but it was growing longer, just long enough to feel like a nuisance. She absentmindedly twisted it as she sat, lingering in the presence of the past. She missed this piece. She missed all of them. Even just a few days and she missed all of them. Especially Jake. But she had a feeling all of them would come home, come back to here in this space they belonged. The house had enough space for all of them if Jake and Marco didn't mind sharing the guest room. Ax could rebuild his scoop in the field and Tobias could find new territory nearby. It could be home for all of them, if they needed a place to stay.

As she considered this, a red-tailed hawk flew into the rafters. Cassie looked up, waiting to hear Tobias' voice. It didn't speak but it swooped down and rested on the open stall door. It preened itself and Cassie said quietly, "I'm going to go make up the guest bed. I'll be just inside if you need anything."

The hawk didn't react as Cassie left but about an hour later, Tobias walked into the kitchen in human form.

"I haven't done groceries yet," Cassie said. "I think there's some canned tuna and some rye in the freezer. I could make us sandwiches?"

Tobias meekly nodded. Cassie made them both tea while she waited for the toast, even though neither of them liked it. It just seemed to be the thing that people did to comfort their friends.

"It's raining," Tobias finally said. "I'm going to sleep in the barn tonight."

"I could make up a drawer like Rachel used to."

Tobias glared at her. "No. Thank you."

Cassie finished the sandwiches and brought them to the kitchen table. They ate in silence and when Tobias was finished, he washed both of their plates and returned to the barn. He didn't speak to her once he changed back to hawk. Just before she went to bed, she checked in to see that he was resting in the rafters.

"Goodnight," she called.

She went back up to her own room and got ready for bed. She was about to turn out the lights when she heard a knock at the door. She grabbed the baseball bat hidden under her bed, left years before by Rachel who believed in being "good home security." Cassie walked back downstairs and into the front hall.

"Who is it?" She called out.

"Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man," Marco retorted. "It's like eleven at night and the mosquitoes are eating me alive. You going to let me in?"

Cassie rolled her eyes and opened the door, locking it again once Marco was inside. He looked around and commented, "You know, I don't think I've ever actually seen this room. This a new addition or you just always sneaking me through the back?"

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

Marco answered, "Looking for a place to crash. If you don't have a couch, I've got a sleeping bag. Jake show up yet? Ax? Tobias? Marco? Wait, that one's me."

"Tobias is in the barn. I don't know if the other two are coming."

Marco laughed. "Oh, they'll show up. This is where we always end up, isn't it? This is the old stomping grounds for the Animorphs. You send us out wandering in the wilderness and we'll find our way back here. I'm just surprised Tobias beat me. You got anything to eat? I'm starving."

"Where'd you go?" Cassie asked. "You just took off."

"I went back to Pendleton to sign the NDA and pick up the boys. Ax and Jake I mean, I wasn't hitting on any soldiers. I have no idea where Ax is but he left a note saying he'd come back here. Jake's sticking around until tomorrow. Naomi helped him negotiate a deal before he agrees to the NDA. If it was me, I would have held out for those Lakers tickets but our Jake is too noble. Jake had a promise to keep. Before he signs it, he's going to do the one thing James ever asked of him. He's going to see Pedro and give him the power to morph." 


	9. Jake

The military convoy showed up at Prejean Children's Hospital around noon, terrifying the staff who had either returned to work or had stayed throughout the siege. Jake signed in at the front desk with two soldiers on either side of him. They walked in front of him and two others walked behind him, one holding a locked box.

Jake entered the suite, empty except for one young teenager lying flat on his back. Jake sat down beside him and greeted him. 

"Hi Pedro," Jake murmured. "I'm sure you were told already about James. I wanted to come and see you, I hope that's okay."

Pedro blinked slowly and Jake hoped that was an invitation to stay.

"Before James...before James died," Jake continued, "I made him a promise. He wanted you to gain the morphing power that he had so you could have at least two hours of freedom. I've thought a lot about it but I don't want to make that decision without you. I was hoping that you might be able to acquire me so we can talk face to face. Can you blink twice if that's okay?"

Pedro did so and James looked back over his shoulder at the soldiers. One unlocked the box and Jake took the cube. He brought it to Pedro's bedside and moved Pedro's hand on top of it. Jake put his hand on top of his as Pedro gained his power. Jake placed the cube back in the box and it was immediately locked. Two soldiers left but two remained, standing now outside the door to give them privacy.

Jake took Pedro's hand in his. "I need you to think about acquiring me. I know that sounds silly, but I need you to try focusing on me."

Jake felt a little sleepy and he smiled. "Good, that's good. When you're ready, you're going to try to morph into me. I've brought you clothes in my backpack. If they fit me, well, they should fit you. I can help if you need me to. It won't be anything I haven't seen before."

Jake laid the shorts, underwear, and t-shirt on the bed. Pedro closed his eyes and Jake saw him start to shift, growing bigger and taller. The hospital gown was stretched to its limit as Pedro finished his transformation. He sat up slowly, gasping. His hands shook, his entire body trembled. Jake asked if he could help and Pedro nodded. Jake helped him get dressed and then helped him sit upright in bed.

"You can use my voice," Jake encouraged, "but you can also speak to me with your thoughts. Focus on me and think what you want to say. I should be able to hear you just fine."

Pedro asked, 

"You can be like this for two hours before you get stuck like this," Jake explained. "If your condition was because of an injury, you might heal when you morph back. If not, we can make you a human morph if you want. The soldiers I traveled with volunteered. There's an Andalite way of mixing DNA together. I don't know exactly how it works but we can make you a new body. It's up to you."

Using Jake's voice, Pedro spoke in a halted, broken way. "Juh-aims. How...did..."

Jake swallowed hard. "How did he die?"

Pedro nodded and Jake rubbed the back of his neck. He had told this story to a dozen families now, calling them from his bedroom so he could sob into his pillow after each. In his usual speech, he told about how their sons and daughters fought to the bitter end. How strong they were, how brave they were. How in their last moments they were nothing less but a force of nature. 

But Jake couldn't do it again. Not to his own face.

Jake explained, "James was leading the ground force. It was meant to distract the Yeerks from our attempt at taking the Pool ship. Every single Animorph on the ground was gunned down. I didn't see James fall but I identified his body when the battle was over."

Pedro growled, "Use...him? Leave...him to..."

Jake agreed quietly. "Yes. We left all of them to die. None of us expected to get out of it alive. I lost my cousin, Rachel."

"One. They...all. Left them...behind...use them."

Jake swallowed hard. "Yeah. I used him. I used all of them. We only took them on because we were overwhelmed. And if I had to pick my people over yours...well, I did pick my people over yours. But it was my fight. I had to finish it. I'm sorry."

"Did...Juh-aims know?" 

"Know what?" Jake asked.

"Who...who you are. Who...who...who he gave his...life for?"

Jake closed his eyes and Pedro insisted, "You're not...s-sorry. G-get...g-get out." 

Pedro shifted back into his own body but his physique changed. Not drastically, but his muscles were more defined and his skin a darker, healthier colour. Pedro tried to speak but all that came out was a bark of a laugh. Pedro lifted his hand off the bed and with his first autonomous movement in fourteen years, he forced his arm up and flipped Jake off.

And with his own voice, Pedro managed, "Out." 

Jake left, rushing past the soldiers. He made it back to the van, the cube already gone in another vehicle. He put his head in his hands, gripping at his hair. He took a few deep breaths and then forced himself to calm down.

When he got back to the base, he signed his NDA, packed his bags, and started hitchhiking.


	10. Cassie

It had been raining when Cassie fell asleep and it was still raining when she woke. She had no idea how long she had slept. She was so exhausted it could have been twenty minutes or twenty hours. She forced herself to shower but then she just went back to bed. She laid on her back, looking up at the ceiling.

She had written down plans for the day. She remembered writing a list before bed. It had all seemed important at the time but now it didn't seem urgent. She just wanted to sleep and not think for a while. That didn't seem too unreasonable.

She had fallen back asleep at some point and the knocking at her door woke her. Marco opened up the door, not waiting for a response.

"I'm going to go into town and find some food," Marco said. "What do you want?"

"My life back," she muttered.

"Yeah, I've got like twelve bucks. I'll grab you some ice cream. Ben and Jerry's?"

Cassie nodded and rolled over to her side. She grabbed her pillow and held it close.

Marco eventually came back and woke her up. He handed her a pint of ice cream and a spoon. He dipped his own spoon in and took the first bite. He then opened up the window and let a very soaked hawk in. Tobias morphed to human and sat on the edge of the bed. Marco offered him the third spoon.

"I tried to find chocolate covered rat but they only had Half Baked," Marco teased.

Tobias held the container but only picked at it. He took a small bite and Marco visibly relaxed.

"Hey," he said. "It's okay if I keep razzing you, right? I can pull it back if-"

Tobias interrupted, "No. The minute you start being nice is the minute I lose it. It's better being pissed at you then..."

Tobias snapped, "I'm not talking about it."

Marco took back the ice cream. "Fine with me. I can make a general guess. You're devastated at basically being a widower at 16 and you kind of hope that Jake will rot in hell. Those seem all like reasonable reactions, considering. I'm not thrilled with him myself right now but hey, I helped with the mass murder of seventeen thousand Yeerks so I can't say much. How about you, Cassie? Is he good enough a kisser to make up for all the murders? I think that's probably the best compliment a guy can get, right?"

Cassie hung her head. "We're all murderers, Marco."

"No, don't you start with that shit. It was a war. They got more of us than we got of them. It's not fair, it's never going to be fair, but we won. The fact only one of us got killed off was a miracle. Would I have killed another seventeen thousand to save Rachel? You know what, probably. That's the only way we survived, we put our lives over their lives and you know they did the same thing or they never would have come here to enslave us. I'm good with us all licking our wounds for awhile but let's not be martyrs here. We got to live. Yay us. Let's not beat ourselves up forever because of it."

Tobias murmured, "You don't really believe that. I know you don't."

Marco glanced at him. "Then you don't know me that well, Hawkeye, because I would have flipped that switch for you too. For any of you. But we're not talking about it, so I'm just going to shut up and eat Cassie's ice cream."

Cassie took the pint back from him. "Get your own."

Marco smiled. "Thatta girl."

Eventually Marco left, claiming that he had errands to do in town. Tobias morphed back to bird silently and returned to the barn. Cassie went downstairs and started sorting out clothes to send to her parents. After awhile, she went outside and sat on the covered porch, watching the storm ahead.

She saw a truck on the horizon but in the dark it was hard to tell if it was Marco's. She was about to go back inside when the truck stopped at the very edge of the property and someone got out. They started walking towards the house and even from that distance, Cassie recognized his silhouette. It was Jake.

There was a roar of thunder and Cassie grabbed her jacket. She held it over her head as she ran to him. When she reached his side, he lowered it, exposing them both to the rain. There was another strike of lightning in the far distance but neither turned to look, so fixated by the other.

As the thunder rolled through them, Jake confessed, "I don't want to wait a year. I know what I want and I don't want to waste any more time. You have always been everything to me and right now...Cassie, I need you, more than I ever have. I know I can survive all of this if you're with me. And I love you. I love you so much that it hurts to breathe. I have nothing and I have nothing I can give you except just me. Damn...this sounded a lot less pathetic in my head..."

Cassie swallowed hard. "Jake, what are you trying to say?"

Jake bent down on one knee and Cassie's heart tried jumping out of her chest, possibly to try to get away from this moment. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out an emerald ring.

Jake asked, "Cassandra Eleanor DeConnick, will you marry me?"

Cassie should have said no. She should have said that they would talk about it later and make sure he got inside and warmed up. She should have been responsible and thought about what this would mean for her.

But for better or for worse, she still believed in love. She was overwhelmed by the gesture, by the pouring rain, by the love of her life open and vulnerable on his knee before her. This was the most romantic moment of her life and she was so hurt and lonely that she wanted nothing more than for him to put his arms around her and promise to shelter her from everything that came next.

So she said yes and he slid the perfectly sized ring onto her finger.

Jake stood and brought her into a deep kiss. She held on to him for dear life, clinging to him and crying but so grateful for his lips on hers. She wanted to live in that moment forever. She wanted to die in that moment.

A crack of lightning painted the sky above them and both came back to reality. Jake put his arm around her, leading them back into the farmhouse. They stood uncomfortably for a moment.

"My Dad left some of his clothes in his dresser," she said finally. "Why don't you go put on something dry and I'll hang your things up? Do you want anything to eat or...oh, I made up the guestroom. It's getting late, maybe you just want to..."

Her voice trailed as Jake's eyes met hers.

She kissed him hard and he picked her up, hiking her legs over his hips. Somehow they made their way up the stairs like that and tumbled together into her childhood bed. Both of them were crying but this began to feel something more like relief, like joy.

She was going to marry him. He was going to be her husband. They were going to get to grow old and grey together, have children together. They could be happy.


	11. Marco

Marco was surprised to find the front door unlocked. He frowned before walking in and calling out, "Honey, I'm home!"

He heard giggling and he recognized it right away as Jake's looking at naked ladies laugh. Either he had stuffed some Playboys in the barn or-

"That horndog," Marco grumbled. "Tobias, if you're here, tell me you didn't meet some cute Ladyhawk last night. Because if I'm the only one whose not getting any "yay we didn't die" action, I'm going to be real upset."

Marco could hear Tobias' thought-speech from somewhere overhead. <I'll have you know I am considered very attractive by hawk standards. Much more handsome than you.>

Marco leaned back out the door to flip him off before entering the living room. He slammed the door loudly and stomped his feet, terrified he was about to see or hear something that he really, really didn't want to.

Marco shouted, "I'm home and making loud noises! If maybe you wanted to hear that and stop what you're up to, that would make me a much happier roommate!"

The giggling stopped and Marco sighed in relief. Then he heard Marvin Gaye being played quite loudly and he groaned, walked back out, and slammed the door. No one paid him enough to deal with any of this garbage.

Marco went into the barn and Tobias swooped in. Marco offered him a bite of his Big Mac but Tobias refused.

<Have you found any signs of Ax yet?>

Marco sighed. "No. I'm starting to get worried. I heard a lot of shit the last two days. The novelty of First Contact seems to be wearing off. I keep thinking someone's hurt him. I mean, I know he's a big boy and he can take care of, himself but it doesn't feel right."

<I'm not seeing anything either,> Tobias admitted. <Do you think we call Azza?>

"Hell, for all we know she has him. No. We'll give him a little longer I guess. He said he'd be here so he'll be here."

They both turned, hearing the door to the house open. Jake stood there, looking sheepish and barely put together.

Tobias said, <I'm going back out there. Call me if you find him.>

Tobias flew off, leaving them alone.

"So..." Marco said. "You and Cassie..."

"We haven't gone...um...all the way," Jake stammered.

Marco rolled his eyes. "That's the confidence I want to hear in a sexually active teenager. Maybe reign it in there, Big Jake. Ew, no my brain just went there again. Just yuuuuck."

Jake looked ashamed. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

Marco sighed. "Look, we're all going through this in our own way. Just...just put a sock on the door or something. Or play something a little less sappily romantic so I don't puck. I know Cassie's got some Nine Inch Nails up there. And get some condoms. We're barely holding this all together, let's not bring a baby into this mix."

Jake blushed and Marco gently pushed him aside. "I just came back for a sandwich and a shower. You two do whatever you were doing. I'm busy and I don't care."

The phone rang and Marco ran to get it.

Marco barely got out "Hello" before Ax started speaking in a hushed, hurried way that Marco couldn't make out.

"Ax, buddy," Marco interrupted, "I can't understand you. What's going on? Are you okay? Where are you? I'll come get you."

"I am alright. I am on my way there but I heard...I heard some human hunters saying that they are attempting to find and shoot any red-tailed hawks they see. I believe that they are part of NYA. Is Tobias safe?"

"He's out looking for you right now but he's not far. I'll call him back. Assholes. You're safe though? They didn't recognize you?"

"I have been mostly human," Ax reassured.

Marco smirked. "I feel like that applies to all of us right now. Just come home."

He hung up and went out to the barn. He morphed gorilla and sat down.

He called out to Tobias, <Ax just phoned, he's fine, come on back.>

He waited for a while and eventually the hawk flew into the rafters. Marco morphed back and asked, "Have a good joy ride?"

<Where is he? Is he safe?>

"He's fine," Marco said. "He phoned in because he's worried about you. Sounds like some local dickwads have decided that you're an abomination or something so the local red-tailed hawk community’s going to suffer for it. You might want to stick around."

Tobias puffed out his chest. <I'm not afraid of them.>

"Well, I've already had one friend brutally murdered this week, I'd like to avoid a second one. Come inside. We'll watch some soap operas and spoil Ax for the reruns."

Tobias went inside and Marco followed him, distracted when the phone started ringing again. He figured it was Ax phoning back and felt like making him laugh.

Marco picked up the phone. "Hello, Taco Bell, how can I help you?"

"Mister Diaz? This is Corporal Azza."

Marco replied, "Hello, how's my favourite handler doing? And call me Marco. Mister Diaz is my mother."

"I've phoned to inform you that Miss Berensen's body has been recovered."

Marco nearly fell. He leaned against the wall and asked, "How...how bad is it?"

"She was discovered mostly intact. The Andalites have wrapped her in a burial shroud for now. Mrs. Berensen would like for Miss DeConnick to help her identify the body in San Diego. It would be best if this could be done as soon as possible."

Marco managed to stammer out. "But, her Mom could do that on her own. Why bring Cassie into this?"

"Rachel is to be cremated. Sometimes it is helpful to see the body, in order to provide closure. I am sure you can understand that, Mister Diaz. It is fortunate, in a sense. Fort Rosecrans has approved June 4th for the burial and memorial service for the fallen eighteen Animorphs. Rachel will be able to join her comrades in the ceremony."

"Well, how convenient for the bureaucrats," Marco muttered. "I'll get Cassie to phone in when I see her. Always a slice, Azza. Next time, try to send me roses or a pizza first before you slap me with bad news."

Marco hung up and rested his head against the wall. He didn't want to be the one to tell Tobias but he didn't have much of a choice.

Marco went into the living room where Tobias was flipping through the TV guide with his beak. He looked up at Marco and asked, <Ax again?>

Marco said quietly, "They found her, Tobias. They found Rachel."

He expected Tobias to leave but the hawk flew over to Marco and landed on his shoulder. Marco tentatively stroked his feathers. It was weird, really weird, but he gave Tobias the time he needed before he told him about the funeral.


	12. Tobias

Loren had been the first to move back into the city. She needed to be back on the crisis line, "especially now." She was renting a place at the edge of town and every day took the bus an hour to where she talked people into saving their own lives. Her co-workers were amazed at her return and her new found ability to see. She would explain that the intense experimental treatment to save her vision was why she had been gone for so long. Even after a few days, it seemed as if her colleagues had adjusted. Aliens had been infiltrating Earth. That was much harder to believe than a miraculous cure for blindness.

Loren was in her tiny kitchen, making dinner for her and Champ. Even from the tree, Tobias could hear her singing. He didn't feel he had the right to disturb her but he flew down to the ground, morphed human and knocked at her door.

Loren smiled at the sight of him and ushered him in, the dog playfully rubbing against his legs. She escorted him into the living room and set up a second TV tray in front of the couch.

"Sorry," she apologized. "I don't have a lot of furniture right now."

"It's okay," Tobias said. "I probably shouldn't stay for dinner. I'll just need to eat again later as a hawk. I know you don't have a lot and I don't want you to waste it on me."

Loren shook her head. "Sit. I think I can afford to split a box of macaroni and cheese with my son. I'll just be a few more minutes."

Champ bumped his head against Tobias' hand and eventually he relented and scratched behind his ear. Champ gave a happy sigh and laid down in front of him. Loren returned a moment later with two steaming bowls. She put one down on each tray before going back into the kitchen for two glasses of orange soda.

"I had a craving for a very specific type of orange dye," she chuckled. "I hope it's okay."

Tobias had eaten boxed mac and cheese dozens of times. It was the easiest thing to make, even as a kid when his aunt or uncle forgot to feed him. No one had ever made it for him though, certainly not with real butter or a sprinkling of black pepper on top. He ate it slowly, savouring the taste. They ate in silence and when Tobias emptied his bowl, Loren immediately topped it up again. Tobias knew better than to refuse and honestly he felt like he could have eaten six more. He hadn't felt this hungry in a long time.

Tobias offered to help clean up but Loren only affectionately scoffed at him and told him to keep Champ company. She returned a few minutes later and sat cross-legged on the couch, looking over at him.

"Not that I'm complaining about you visiting," she said, "but I have the feeling that this was more than just a social call."

Tobias took a deep breath. "They picked a date for the memorial service. Not this Sunday, but next. We're supposed to bring our families and friends. All the friends I have left will be there and you're my only family. It's in San Diego and I know you probably don't have money for the bus but a few of us are driving down. If you want to be there, you could. I don't know. You don't have to."

Loren asked, "What would be easier for you?"

Of all the things he thought she might say, he wasn't expecting that.

"Seriously," she continued, "if I went, it would be to support you but I don't want to make this harder for you than it's already going to be. I'll warn you that if I go, I'm going to be one of those people who asks every five minutes if you're okay. I'll be worried about you if you cry and worried about you if you don't. I'll want to hug you and not let go. And I'll try not to be like all of that because I know you don't do well with that."

"No," he admitted. "I don't. I don't want to go at all, Loren. I don't want to hear all the nice things they're going to say about her. I don't want to see other people grieving her. None of them really knew her, not who she really was. They didn't see her but I did. And I don't want to share those pieces of her with anyone and I don't want to hear cute stories about her as a girl because I knew who she was when she died. The girl I loved was turning into a monster and right before the end, she was suddenly soft again. Then I watched her die. I watched the woman I love die and I couldn't do anything to save her."

Tobias didn't cry. Not when he was a lonely boy hiding in his room. Not when he beaten to a pulp at school. Not when he saw the light go out of Rachel's eyes. But tears rolled down his face then and Loren kissed his forehead and hugged him tight. Tobias froze but then relaxed slightly, letting his mother envelop him. He didn't make a sound, not even a sniffle, and Loren sat in that silence with him until he pulled away.

Tobias said shakily, "After the funeral...I'm not coming back. I can't be in this town, not when I feel like this, not when I can't stop thinking about her. I need to figure out what to do next and I know I can't do that here. I was going to stay human for her, even if the thought made me sick. But I can't stay as a hawk much longer. It all hurts, Loren, and right now it doesn't feel like it's ever going to stop."

Loren said softly, "I know how much you loved her, Tobias. And I know she loved you too. I wish you both had more time but I know you never left anything unsaid, never let a moment with her go. There's nothing to regret and nothing to blame yourself about. Try to remember that when you're out there. Whatever anger you're holding...don't let it eat you alive. And when you've figured out what you need to...well, I know that you might never come home but just promise me that you won't stay alone too long."

Tobias promised, "I'll try."

Loren wiped his remnant tears away with her thumbs. "Call me if you feel up to it. I'm here, whenever you want to talk. This doesn't have to be your home but it can be if you want it to. Bird or boy, I love you just as you are. Okay?"

Tobias was too exhausted to do anything more than nod. "Okay."

_____________________

 

All eighteen lost Animorphs were buried at Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery in San Diego. It was not far from their homes and it overlooked the ocean. Although none of them had served in the US military, they had been granted the honour for having given their lives in the line of duty.

The official ceremony was less than two weeks after the war. The monument wasn't ready yet but the grave markers were. They were simple white stones with a name and date. Two rows lay before the base of a statue, which had not yet been completed. Someone had put a large framed sketch on top of the base to give the mourners an idea of what was to come. A child sitting cross-legged, holding a cube, with a large white wolf just behind their shoulder. It was hard to tell if the wolf was protecting them or preparing to devour them. The kid was too young to be based on any of them, they couldn't be any older than ten. Tobias had heard that the artist had been inspired by pictures of Rachel's younger sisters but he didn't see the resemblance. Not that he knew them that well.

All the bodies that had been found were cremated. Jake was the one who had identified every auxiliary Animorph. He had known them all, chosen them all. He had been the one to give their names to the military liaison, been the one who called each family and told them about their child's service. The ones who had families, at least.

It wasn't a long ceremony and it wasn't well attended. Between all the families, only about forty or so came. Several news channels wanted to broadcast it but Marco publicly promised if any camera did show up, he would swear and sing copyrighted songs until they went away. There was one print journalist but Marco allowed her to stay if she kept quiet and mentioned how good his hair looked.

A trio of a rabbi, a minister, and an imam gave beautiful speeches and sermons. All of them had loose connections to the team. The hospital the auxiliary Animorphs had lived out of had a chaplain who had met James a few times. The rabbi had done Rachel's bat mitzvah only a few months before they had met Elfangor. She hadn't walked into a synagogue since she had touched that cube. Now she never would. The imam explained his relation but at that point Tobias was too over stimulated to take anything else in. By the time someone started playing bagpipes and the dirt was being shoveled, Tobias was in a full blown panic attack. No one seemed to notice. It was almost impossible to read his face most of the time and now he was actively trying to hide how he was feeling.

When they came to the eighteenth grave, Rachel's grave, Tobias walked away, shaking. He could feel himself slipping away into hawk and it took every ounce of control not to tear off his ugly suit and flee into the wild. He made it only a few feet before he felt someone touch his shoulder. He turned around to rip it off but Marco had already backed up, his hands up in surrender.

"Hey," Marco protested. "Don't tear my jacket. I just wanted to make sure you're not sneaking off to die alone. I'm told animals do that in the wild."

Tobias snapped at him. "You need to back off, right now."

Marco's eyes widened slightly. "I'm sorry, I'll be serious. I'm worried about you. People do really stupid stuff at funerals. I don't want you to...go do something I'll regret."

Tobias started shaking. "I need to get out of here."

"Okay," Marco said. "Let's go, let's take a walk or something."

Tobias shook his head and said frantically, "No, I'm leaving. I was going to when the funeral was over but I can't do this. I've got to go, now."

Marco suddenly understood. "Ah. Leaving leaving."

Tobias caught his breath and said, "I can't be here, Marco. Not without her."

Marco seemed to consider this and took a deep breath. "Look, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone. I don't know if this is going to help, but maybe it will."

Marco admitted, "Two days after my Mom's funeral, I ran away from home. Most of my family is in Puerto Rico but my Mom has a sister in Miami. So I decided to just go. I got all the money I had and bought a bus ticket and as many Snickers bars as I could carry. I actually made it to about New Orleans before my Dad realized I was gone. I didn't even lie and say I was going to Jake's or anything. I just left and it took him most of a week to notice. He calls the police but they don't find me until I get off the bus in Miami and phone my aunt. Everybody was pissed at me except for Tia Maria. She and I talked and then the next morning she got me on a plane back to San Diego."

"What'd she say to get you to go back?"

Marco shook his head. "I asked to go back. She would have let me live with her if I wanted to. I think she actually wanted me to since she figured my Dad was cuckoo for Cocoa Pops at the time. When she picked me up from the bus station, she asked me why I got out of there and I said I didn't know. Then she says to me that was okay. She said to me, "Sometimes you have to run away to figure out what you're running from." That night when I was trying to sleep, my eleven-year-old brain seemed to finally get what was scaring me so much. I had already taken care of my dad for a few months at that point and I thought to myself: this is it. This is what the rest of my life is going to be like. I knew that if I stayed, I'd have someone take care of me. But I had already lost my Mom, I couldn't lose my Dad too. And honestly...I think he would have died if I stayed in Miami. He wasn't in a good place and I was scared that if I lost him, that'd be my fault."

"So you felt too guilty to stay?" Tobias asked.

Marco shrugged. "I guess so. I just thought of that now though, figuring out what you're running from. It's not just the grief, sometimes it's what comes after, you know, and I don't think you're going to figure it out here."

Tobias asked sheepishly, "Did you really only eat Snickers bars?"

Marco gave a weak laugh. "I was charming enough to convince old ladies to give me egg salad sandwiches from time to time. But yeah, mostly Snickers. I suggest a balanced diet of mice and rats for you though."

Tobias looked back to the group on the hill and felt a pang of regret. He should say goodbye or at least wait until the funeral was over. But he just couldn't.

"I don't know what to tell them," Tobias admitted.

"I could lie," Marco offered. "I am pretty good at it. I'm thinking you're opening up a KFC franchise. Only a bird knows the right way to cook one, am I right?"

Tobias shook his head. "No, tell them the truth."

"And that is?"

"I don't know yet," Tobias admitted, "but you'll figure it out. You always figure out what to say, even if no one wants to hear it. You'll keep an eye on Ax for me?"

Marco unbuttoned his jacket to show the contents stuffed on the inside. "Some people stock condoms into these things. I carry wet wipes. I know our boy. We're going to be just fine."

Marco touched his shoulder again and this time Tobias didn't mind. Someone else might have tried to hug him. Marco either respected him or was too afraid of him to try.

Marco said, "Wherever you're going, make sure you don't end up anywhere too dark, Hawkeye. You don't have to die just because Rachel did. She would be really pissed."

Tobias was too worn to say anything else so Marco let go, gave him a weak smile, and headed back to the crowd. Tobias looked up at his friends. Jake had his arm protectively around Cassie as she cried into his shoulder. Ax looked around distractedly, visibly relaxing when he saw Marco returning.

They would be okay. He could just go. They would understand.

Tobias found it almost impossible to move but he did, one foot in front of the other until he could chuck his clothes in a garbage bin and morph in the bushes. He flew out before the twelve-gun salute could start, flying over the paparazzi who waited just outside the gates. He flew past everything and curled back into the hawk's nature.

For the first time, he realized that it wasn't enough. The hawk wasn't strong enough to deal with Tobias' heartbreak. In the past, his humanity had stepped back so the hawk could control physical pain. Now it was if the hawk knew that Tobias while was more vulnerable, was also better equipped to handle it.

Whatever journey he was going on, he would have to go as a human.


	13. Jake

**CW: violence (minor for this series), facial injury**

 

They were the last four standing. Everyone, even the parents, had moved on to the reception. Jake stood, holding Cassie's hand tightly. Marco was only a pace away, his shoulder pressed against Ax's.

Cassie finally said, "We should go to the hall. Everyone will be waiting for us."

Jake nodded, relieved that she had been the one to say it. "You two go ahead, I want to talk to Marco for a minute."

Ax and Cassie walked down the path, leaving them alone. Marco smiled and looked like he was about to make a morbid joke. Jake interrupted him before it could form.

"Where's Tobias? I saw you talking to him off to the side and I haven't seen him since."

Marco shrugged. "He's gone to find himself. He's out there...somewhere. He's fine. He's not the one I'm worried about right now."

Jake shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Yeah, the fact you assumed I meant you is really convincing," Marco retorted. "Jake, you gave a eulogy for eighteen people a few minutes ago. That'd be hard on anyone but you didn't cry or even seem that upset, honestly. You basically haven't talked to anyone but Cassie since the war ended and I get the sense you two haven't been doing too much talking. We're all in pretty bad shape and we'll all need God knows how much professional help but you look like you're about to go postal."

Jake snapped, "Do you really expect me to be just fine right now? I'm trying. That's all any of you wanted from me, just to keep fighting when I wanted to fall apart. What do you want me to do, Marco? Do you want me to put on a brave face or do you want me to be a sobbing wreck on the couch like your Dad was? That would be easier for you, wouldn't it? Then you could just take care of me and feel so much better about yourself. You don't care, Marco. This is just how you decided to survive. Just because you've got a stone for a heart doesn't make you our rock. I'm not going to let you feel like your hands are clean just because you reheated a few pizzas and asked about our feelings."

"You're right," Marco admitted. "We're all murderers. I'm tired of everyone else saying it so it seems like my turn. But we're veterans now, Jake. There are a million people out there who did the same shit we did and yeah a lot of them are really screwed up but some of them manage to still get out of bed in the morning and not want to off themselves. We survived, Jake. I thought we were all going to die, every one of us and every person we ever loved. I thought we'd all die in terrible, horrible ways and my God, we lived. Do you know how incredible it is that any of us survived? We should never have made it to high school, Jake. Should it have been us who got out alive? I don't know. Probably not when I think about it. But I lived and I'm not going to piss on the graves of eighteen kids by trying to bury myself beside them. You didn't kill them, Visser One did. And you know what would have happened if the Yeerks won? They would have killed them anyways. They would have killed anyone who didn't fit their ideal. And you didn't save us by bringing us up to the Pool ship, you bought us an extra hour to live at best. We got damn, damn lucky because each and every one of us should have been dead. You didn't kill eighteen people. You saved five. You got us out alive, Jake, and I for one want to try to make something out of that life you bought me. Isn't it at least worth trying?"

Jake hissed, "You're a real piece of work, Marco, if you think we deserve to be happy after all this. I'm done trying to be nice about it so piss off."

"That was you being nice about it?" Marco asked skeptically. "What would being an asshole about it looked like?"

And then Jake swung his fist into his best friend's face. To his shock, Marco barely flinched, only placing his hand on his cheek as Jake recoiled. Cassie ran in to push Jake away from him and Marco smirked, wincing.

"What the hell are you doing?" Cassie shrieked.

Marco commented painfully, "Hey, I'd rather him take it out on me than on you."

Jake went to hit him again, only for Ax to reach out from behind and grab his wrist.

<Prince Jake,> Ax said coolly. <You are upset and are not behaving as you normally would. I would suggest that you take a moment to calm yourself before you strike your friend once more.>

Marco's bravado had faded and Jake could see that he was clearly suffering. He knew that Marco could just morph to heal the injury, they all could. None of them could get really hurt outside of war. Jake could have beat him bloody and Marco would have easily survived. But he had hurt him and it occurred to him for the first time in years that even if the pain was temporary, the hurt lasted so much longer. He remembered every time he had lost a limb in battle and Marco must too. Now Marco would forever remember his best friend breaking his jaw.

Jake started shivering and Cassie put her hand on his shoulder. Ax let go of Jake's wrist and went to Marco's side, clearly saying something to him in private thought-speech. The look Marco gave in return made Jake feel sick. Marco's guise had fallen and Jake saw how fragile he was, how much of him depended on the rest of them. Marco needed Jake but Jake didn't need Marco. Jake didn't want Marco. Jake didn't want any of them. He wanted to go back to the farm and to Cassie's room in the attic. He wanted to be with her. He just wanted to stop thinking and just feel better.

He couldn't do that yet though. The DeConnicks were taking them out for dinner before they dropped them off back home. He had to keep it together for just a few more hours. He could do it for her. He could do anything for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who get especially triggered by DV/SV: Jake never hits anybody again. Spoiler, I guess, but I'd want to know if I was reading along.


	14. Cassie

Cassie had dinner with her parents and her fiancé at a little Italian place on the edge of the city. It was barely five and there was almost no one there besides them. Jake held her hand above the table, almost as if he was presenting the ring on her finger. No one said anything until the waiter had taken their order and left.

"It was a lovely ceremony," Michelle began. "Your speech was beautiful, Jake."

Jake gave a weak smile and almost looked embarrassed. "Thank you."

Walter said, "I was surprised not to see Eva and Peter. Where were they?"

Cassie answered, "They're setting up their new apartment in Miami. Knowing Marco, he probably asked them not to come."

Jake muttered, "That sounds like him. Never wanting to be a burden."

Cassie shot him a look. "Marco has been a big help at the house. Honestly, I didn't realize how little I knew about laundry machines until he moved in."

"You were always a busy bee in the barn," Michelle chuckled. "You may not know how much detergent to put in a washer but you definitely can coax a skunk into taking medications. Different skill sets. It's nice the five of you have been able to just relax a little together."

Walter asked, "You're still thinking about going back to high school in September, Cassie?"

She nodded. "Yes, but I'm considering home schooling too. It would be nice to stay in the valley with you guys and it'd be hard to commit to in class schooling out there. I don't have to register until August though so I've got some time."

"And what about you, Jake? What are your school plans?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "Honestly, I'm just taking it one day at a time."

Michelle smiled sympathetically. "And that's okay. You're only sixteen. You take what time you need to get back on your feet. I've told Cassie before that all of you should be reaching out to Veterans Affairs. They might have someone there that can help you through this, even if it's not about school. It's always good to have someone to talk to."

Jake sat up a bit taller and he held his jaw a little tighter. "I'm fine, but thank you."

Michelle and Walter shared a glance as the waiter came back with their drinks. The waiter paused, as if recognizing Jake but then smiled apologetically and walked off.

Walter began, "So, we wanted to talk to you about the living arrangements right now. Cassie, when we said that you could stay at the farm, we were not expecting you to be there for so long or to have so many people with you. It's okay, but we just want to understand what your plan is."

Cassie explained, "Well, Tobias is traveling right now but he mentioned before that he might move in with Loren. Ax is building a new scoop for himself but he'll likely be going back home in a few months. Marco is probably going to Miami for school in the fall."

Michelle asked, "And what about you, Jake?"

Cassie's chest tightened. This was it. She had put off telling them for a week, telling herself it was better to tell them in person. They loved Jake and they loved her. They would be okay with this. They'd probably even be excited. They just had to tell them.

Jake let go of Cassie's hand. "I don't know."

Cassie's mouth opened slightly, stunned as her parents continued to ask him questions about his plans and his future. He hadn't mentioned her. He hadn't mentioned their engagement. All he could say, again and again, was "I don't know."

Cassie excused herself and went to the restroom. She threw cold water on her face and tried to catch her breath. Someone entered, apologizing as they snuck into a stall. Cassie leaned against the sink and breathed out slowly. When she finally composed herself, she went back into the restaurant. Their food had arrived but no one had started. She thought at first that they had been waiting for her but then she noticed no one was speaking.

Michelle looked up at Cassie and asked, her voice nearly breaking, "Is it true?"

Cassie frowned and looked to Jake. "What did you say?"

Cassie realized her parents were staring at her ring. She sat down and offered out her hand, letting her father look at it in detail. Michelle looked at Cassie almost mournfully and Cassie's heart sank in her chest.

"It was my grandmother's," Jake said quietly. "My grandfather had a footlocker from the war and I buried it in the backyard after he died. It survived the blast. He got married right when he came back to the States and they were married for almost fifty years. And green is Cassie's favourite colour, so...I...uh..."

Michelle and Cassie watched each other, both knowing the other was about to cry. Walter talked with Jake in a friendly tone but Cassie knew her father. He was waiting for Michelle to compose herself so she could speak for both of them.

Cassie took Jake's hand in hers again, this time under the table.

Michelle asked, "Don't you think you're a little young?"

Walter agreed, "You do have to be eighteen to get married in California."

"Sixteen with parental permission," Jake said. "I'll be an emancipated minor soon and I was hoping that we would have your blessing."

"But if you think we should wait," Cassie offered, "we could always have a long engagement. It's only a year and a half, really."

Jake looked like he was about to argue but instead he smiled and nodded.

Michelle and Walter both leaned back in their chairs and spoke to each other almost entirely through gestures and facial expressions. They knew each other well, so well they barely had to have their argument aloud.

Cassie looked over to Jake, wondering what he was thinking. Jake's face gave away nothing. He had always had a solemn face but now it was like he was carved from granite.

Michelle finally said, "Cassie, Jake, we think you should wait until you're eighteen but we are okay with you living at the farm together for now. You're both old enough to make decisions about your relationship but this isn't something to rush into. Take the year and a half. Really get to know each other. Then decide."

Walter added, "And of course we don't know what your physical relationship has been like, but we would like to encourage you to wait to have sex for now. It adds a lot of pressure to a young relationship. But of course, if you decide you want to, we want you to know that you can talk to us about any questions you have."

Jake blushed slightly and Cassie sighed in relief. "Thank you. Really. I was so worried that you would be mad at us. We wouldn't have gotten through all this without each other. We just wanted to celebrate that."

Michelle's face softened. "I know, baby girl. I know you've been in love with this boy for years. But a lot is going on in your lives right now. I just want to make sure you both think this through. We want you to be happy."

Jake promised, "I'll do everything I can to make her happy."

Michelle gave Cassie a soft, sad smile. "I know, Jake, I know."

_____________________

The DeConnicks dropped them off at the end of the driveway, giving them hugs, kisses, and the leftovers from dinner. Cassie and Jake stood, waving as they drove away into the distance. They linked hands and started walking toward the house. Jake stopped when they reached the porch and turned to face her.

Cassie said softly, "Walk with me. There's somewhere I want to show you." 


	15. Ax

Marco drove Ax back to the farm, Marco refusing to morph away his broken jaw. When they returned to the house, Marco announced that he was going to phone his parents and disappeared into the kitchen. Ax went for a brief stroll in the pastures but the day's events kept him from being able to enjoy his walk. He had expected the funeral to be upsetting and he was truly moved by Rachel's loss and that of the others, even the ones he had barely met. But between Tobias' unexpected departure and Prince Jake's attack on Marco, Ax was shaken. He had been afraid in a way that seemed so juvenile and naive. They were children, all of them, and each of them had to process how they felt in their own way. But Ax felt abandoned and lonely. The only one he had to reach out to was Marco and Marco had become unavailable.

Ax had returned the day after Rachel's body had been recovered. He had hoped to be able to speak to Marco about his departure but Marco had been busy helping to arrange the funeral. As he put it, it wasn't anything he hadn't done before. Ax had done very little to help him, only at one point to speak to Eva and Peter on the phone to assure them that Marco was well and he did not want them at the ceremony.

Ax understood. Marco needed to be strong, strong enough to be silent and let his childhood friend take his anger out on him. He would not have been able to do so with his parents by him. He would have been too soft. He would have crumpled. Ax was glad he was speaking to them now but he was anxious. He had wanted to speak to Marco alone for almost a week. The other two would return shortly. There might not be a chance for some time, especially if it led to another fight.

Ax returned to the house and saw that Marco had left the kitchen. He went into the guest room, located just around the corner, and found Marco standing by the window. The human turned to look at him and gave a small wave.

<Your parents are well?>

Marco said, "They're good. They're worried about me but happy to be with family. They say hi by the way."

<Did you tell them about what happened?>

Marco shook his head, wincing a little. "No. It's really not that bad. I'll reset it before I go eat. You know I'm a shitty morpher when I'm upset. I just wanted to try to calm down a little first."

Ax commented, <I have seen you morph in the middle of battle. That does not seem like a valid reason for continuing to be in pain.>

Marco closed his eyes. "I know. I just...I haven't...I haven't since it's been over. I was hoping the first time would be to go flying or something but it's because my best friend hit me."

Ax said softly, <I am sorry, Marco.>

"He better not hit her," Marco muttered. "If he hits her, I'll kill him. I know I haven't been Cassie's biggest fan ever but I swear if he does this shit again..."

<He won't,> Ax assured. <You know he won't.>

Marco shook his head. "No, I don't."

The motion seemed to cause him pain and Marco's hand went to his jaw. Ax placed his hand on top, gently, making sure to add little pressure.

"Okay," Marco agreed. "I'll reset it. Listen, it sounds weird but my Mom wants you to call her. I've got the number tacked by the phone. If anyone other than her or my dad picks up, make sure you don't talk to them too long. Okay?"

Ax promised, <I will be on my best behaviour.>

"Great. I'm just going to morph and clean up. I'll meet you out there. I'll make us dinner while you chat with her unless it turns out to be super secretive."

Ax shifted to human and walked into the kitchen. He dialled in the number provided and waited for someone to pick up. Initially the person who answered started asking him questions in Spanish and while his translator explained it to him, he had not heard enough of the language to properly mimic it. Eventually, Eva rescued him and shooed whoever it was into another room.

"Hello," Ax greeted sheepishly.

Eva replied, "Buenas noches, Ax. Is Marco in the room with you?"

Ax answered, "No, he is in-DIS-po-SED. I learned this word in a delightful game called Scrabble. Do you like it?"

"Ax, I need you to tell me what's going on. Marco sounded like he was either walking through a field of LEGOs or chewing on marbles. He said he's fine but he was clearly lying - no, Peter, I know our son, he's a terrible liar...well, maybe you- sorry, Ax, Peter says hello. Is Marco alright?"

Ax lied as Marco passed him on the way to the washroom, "He is well."

"Uh-huh. Spill before he comes back. I'm not going to tell him you told me. I just want to make sure he's okay because if he's not, I'm dragging both of you back to Miami with me."

Ax was touched. "Me too?"

"Ax, just tell me what happened."

Ax glanced back, making sure that Marco was not there. He then whispered, "He slipped climbing into the truck and hit his face on the steering wheel. I believe he may have broken his nose but has now healed it. He is very embarrassed."

Ax heard Peter laugh in the background and Eva breathed a sigh of relief. "That does sound like him. Good. Okay, you let me know if you two need anything. And honestly, if it gets awkward with Jake and Cassie...exploring their relationship, you two head over here. Peter's building bunk beds for you in our second bedroom. They're not going well but I think you and Marco should be able to reassemble them."

Marco returned to the kitchen and took the phone from Ax. "Hi Mama. See I sound normal now. Yep, that's right, I tripped. Yeah, I know, I'll sign up for lessons in the morning. Yeah, I'll tell him. Buenas noches, te amo, Mama."

Marco hung up and went to the fridge. "Nice save on the truck. I was hoping she'd ask you instead of pestering me about it. After everything, she still thinks Andalites can't lie, like you guys are Vulcans or something. It's kind of cute if I forget her being host to a warlord. What do you think about breakfast for dinner? Eggs, sausage, some toast?"

Ax asked, "Marco, will you go to your family now that the funeral is over?"

Marco closed the fridge. "Breakfast it is. You want to go see if any tomatoes are ready to go in the DeConnick's garden?"

"Marco, you did not answer my question."

"And that should be the answer. I don't know, Ax. I don't really want to think about it right now. Go find me a tomato?"

Ax went out for the pointless errand, both of them knowing that Marco had simply wanted Ax out of the way. But Ax checked each bush carefully and to his surprise, found one small tomato ready for picking. He carried it in his palms like a treasure and brought it back to Marco, who sliced it and fried it beside the sausages and eggs. Ax watched in interest but sometimes would get too close and Marco would gently push him away.

They both ate in relative quiet and Marco readied for bed. Ax demorphed and cleaned the dishes. When Marco was in his sleeping clothes and had brushed his teeth, Ax followed him into the spare bedroom. It was time. Now or never.

<Marco, I believe we should talk,> Ax suggested. <We have not had time to be alone since my return. I feel as if we are avoiding the subject.>

"And what subject is that?"

<My return to Andalite in six months' time.>

Marco sighed. "Look, Ax, I'm tired. You've said things but I don't think you really know what you want, do you? Why exactly would you stay and why do you want me to be the one to ask you? You answer me that and we'll have this conversation."

Ax's stalk eyes drooped slightly. <You are upset with me.>

Marco gave a weak smile. "No, I'm not."

Ax shuffled closer. <I do not know what you want me to say. If I did know, I would say it.>

"And that's the problem," Marco said softly. "I can't coach you through this one."

<Do you want me to stay?> Ax asked.

Marco sat on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands. "Ax, I can't do this right now. I'm exhausted and I'm depressed and I just want to sleep."

Ax morphed human and sat on the bed beside him. He put his arm around him and Marco rested his head against his shoulder. Marco started to cry and Ax held him, burying his face in Marco's hair. Ax brought him closer and shifted Marco into his lap. Marco looked up into his eyes and Ax leaned in, pressing his forehead to his.

Ax admitted, "When your mother left, she asked me to take care of you. I think I have not being doing a good job."

Marco shook his head. "No, I'm fine. Really, I'm okay."

"She also warned me not to break your heart. I do not know the expression well but I know it involves making someone else cry. I think I have not done a good job of that either. I'm sorry."

Marco's tears lessened and he cupped Ax's face in his hand. "I'm okay, Ax. You could have wanted to talk to me about anything and I probably would have been a big mess. You didn't do anything wrong. You got me through a really hard day."

"Then what was she asking me not to do?"

"Ask me another time," Marco murmured. "Please, I just want to sleep."

Ax asked, "Do you want me to stay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that. You can morph back, if you want."

Ax hesitated. "I'd like to stay like this for awhile."

Ax stood up just enough to lay Marco down on the bed. Marco went under the blankets and tugged Ax's hand, encouraging him to do the same. They laid side by side for only a moment before Ax brought him back into his arms, once again burying his face in Marco's hair.

"I can just buy you the shampoo if you like the smell so much," Marco teased between sniffles.

Ax asked, "Am I making you uncomfortable? I am following my human instincts on physical affection in time of crisis."

Marco said, "No, it's nice. It's just not what you're usually like. I don't want you to think this is something you have to do because I'm sad."

"It's not entirely selfless. It also feels very pleasant to be this close to you."

Marco nuzzled against his chest and asked, "Do you want me to put on an alarm for you? Just in case you fall asleep?"

"I will stay only until you are settled. I still need to feed tonight."

Marco yawned. "Okay. Don't stay out too long, okay?"

Ax promised, "I'll sleep in the house until my scoop is ready. I'll be careful."

"Good," Marco murmured. "Good night, Ax."

"Good night, Marco."

Marco did not take long to drift into sleep but Ax was still reluctant to leave him. He was very comfortable and Marco's presence was soothing. It was more than that though. There was a feeling in his chest he did not recognize. He considered it might be a medical concern but his morph was young and healthy. It felt almost as if his single heart was fluttering, not unlike the butterflies he had witnessed in the grass fields. What was stranger still was that it was not at all painful. It felt almost exhilarating.

He was reminded, not for the first time, of his dream in quarantine. He felt the same urge to kiss his skin but he restrained himself. It occurred to him this was what Marco had meant before. He needed to understand why he wanted to stay and why he wanted Marco to ask him to. He was unsure what these feelings meant and Marco did not want him to act without thinking. Marco understood him sometimes better than Ax did.

Ax missed Tobias then, even if he was painfully aware that Tobias would not be in a place to discuss this with him. And Ax wished he could be there for whatever journey he had felt he must go on or at least been able to say goodbye. And he had to admit that he was hurt that Tobias had confided in Marco instead of him. It was circumstances rather than favour but Ax felt petty emotions much stronger as a human. In this form, he was much more aware of his own tiredness, his own exhaustion.

It was tempting, devastatingly tempting, to close his eyes and sleep too. To wake up anew as human. The body that had torn through so many enemies, that had been hacked and maimed, the body that had been a vessel of destruction...it could be gone. He could be this new, softer form. He would not have to remember it all so vividly and so physically. It was a dream, a dangerous dream, and he knew he would never forgive himself for making such an irrational and selfish decision.

Ax rose from the bed and went outside. It was still raining and he stood in his human body for a time, feeling it against his skin. He was a coward. He was a traitor. He should only feel shame for wanting to run but he felt like he finally had a choice.


	16. Cassie

Forests are never really silent. They sing, babble, buzz, screech, and scream. People find a quiet place in them because those sounds don't seem to count. It's a primal return to nature where a human can feel just as small and insignificant as anything else.

She had forgotten how much of her was wild. She had stepped into the worlds of so many creatures and had forgotten how much of those same needs and desires were in her. The need for home and for shelter. The need for food and for water. The need for companionship, for love, and for a mate. So much of that had already been in her and she felt it so strongly then it seemed impossible that it had laid so low in her until then. Her love for him was something ancient, inherent in her own nature. This wasn't a youthful indiscretion. This was how their species had survived.

"Are you sure?" He asked. "We can have a real wedding if you want."

It had been her idea in the first place, to sneak him away with their rings in her pocket. Earlier that day she had promised her parents they would wait, already knowing what she intended to do.

What would make it realer? She wondered. Their family and friends? A minister? A tux and dress? A big white cake and an even bigger party? A legal document maybe but even then they could always get divorced. What mattered was the two of them in that moment and everything they had shared that had led them to that point. If she managed to keep Jake alive until they were eighteen, maybe they could renew their vows in a more formal way. But this was the time, this was the place, and this was the moment he became hers and she became his. That was the only thing that she cared about: it had to be now.

"This is real," she insisted. "I only want to share this with you."

Jake smiled nervously. "I...I don't know what I should say."

"Me neither," she admitted.

They both broke into laughter and Jake cupped her face in his hands. She beamed up at his moonlit face and kissed him. She put his grandfather's own wedding band on his finger. It was shocking how well it fit, Jake already having the hands of a grown man.

"I know it's not going to be easy," she admitted. "It never has been. I love you so much, Jake. I don't think I'm capable of not loving you. So I'm going to try to do the best I can to love you well and to be by your side for whatever comes next."

Jake said softly, "It's always been you and it's always going to be you. You asked me what I would do after the war, who I'll be. All I want to be is the man who makes you happy. All I want to do is give you a good life. I'll figure out the rest as we go. But what I want to be most is married to you."

Jake slid her ring on her finger and something shifted in the air around them. She looked up at him and in his eyes was a certainty she had not seen before. Even though flora and fauna surrounded them, it felt as if they were the only two people in the world. Cassie clasped his hand, sure in her own decision. He was meant for her and she was meant for him. Together, they could survive. They could flourish. They could truly live.

He looked back into her eyes and she pulled him down into a fierce kiss. There were no more words left to say. There was only something deeper than them both, pulling them together. It was powerful, so powerful that it almost made Cassie believe in God.

They consummated their marriage on the forest floor, barely sheltered against the ground by their discarded clothes. They didn't speak until the act was done and Jake said in the softest of whispers how much he loved her.

And for that night, Cassie truly thought that would be enough to save him.

_____________________

Cassie couldn't sleep. She went downstairs to the kitchen and filled a glass of water. She heard the guest room door open and Marco walked out, yawning.

"Oh good," Marco muttered tiredly. "I thought you were going to murder me. Night, Cassie."

"Wait," Cassie said. "Can we talk?"

Marco shrugged. "If you're okay with me continuing to not wear pants, then sure."

"Actually, maybe we could just go into your room?"

Marco shook his head. "Ax is finally asleep. Porch?"

Cassie agreed and followed him outside. They sat on the porch swing together, Marco absentmindedly kicking them off to a gentle glide. Cassie inched away from him and pulled her knees up to her chest.

"Jake and I had sex tonight," she confessed.

Marco raised his eyebrows. "What?"

Cassie told him about the walk in the forest and to his credit, Marco reserved judgment until she finished speaking. Then he said a series of expletives in Spanish under his breath before asking in English, "And you thought I was the person to talk to about this? I'm not exactly the Editor-in-Chief of Cosmo if you're looking for tips."

"Just...just..." Cassie blinked back tears. "This is the sort of thing I would talk to my best friend about and she's...I can never talk to her again. And she would make fun of me for being a romantic sap and pretend to be really grossed out. Then she would tell me that she was happy for me and that she loved me and that she'd punch out Jake if he ever hurt me. But she's dead. Rachel's dead and I'm alone."

Marco gritted his teeth. "Cassie, look, I'm even worse my feelings than she was but I can give it a shot. Well...do you feel...good?" 

Cassie admitted, "I don't know. It didn't hurt. It was nice to be that close to him. I think...I don't know if I was ready. But I don't regret it. I think it'll get better too. It just made it all real. I married him, Marco. I told him a year after the war we'd talk about it and then I just crumpled. I couldn't say no. I wasn't ready, but..."

"But you weren't sure he was going to survive until a year after the war," Marco finished. "You married him to save his life. There are a lot of unhappy marriages that start off that way, hoping the other person is going to change."

"How do you know?"

"Ax watches a lot of soap operas. But really, it wasn't legal. Walk away when you need to or Jake is going to pull you down with him. I love him, he's my best friend - despite his fist in my face earlier today - but you don't need to kill yourself for him. If he hurts you, you tell me and I'll kick his ass myself."

Cassie couldn't help but hug him. Marco went stiff but he eventually softened enough to pat her on the back.

He pulled away. "I'm sorry I'm not Rachel."

Cassie murmured, "Me too. But I'm still glad to have you here."

Marco smiled. "Go get some sleep, Mrs. Berensen. We can cry about our tragic lives in the morning and this is still your wedding night."

"We're hyphening our last names. Berensen-DeConnick."

"God, your kids are going to be screwed learning how to spell. Good night, Cassie."

"Good night, Marco."


	17. Tobias

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you're in luck (or now suffering) because I recently came home from a camping trip where it rained constantly and I wrote a LOT of Tobias scenes and since I don't want to have like constant Tobias chapters, you're just getting a whole whack load of stuff between them. This chapter relies on a bit of suspension of disbelief but whatevs.

_"Tofino," Rachel said._

_Tobias had been laying in bed beside her, half asleep and counting down his remaining minutes of humanity. He rolled to face her and she explained, "That's where I want to go when it's over. We'll camp under the stars and learn how to surf together."_

_Tobias teased, "You know we live in California, right?"_

_Rachel laughed. "Yeah, I know. I just want to travel, to keep going on adventures that aren't going to kill us. If somehow we survive, I want to actually live my life. And it's Canada, far away from all this. No one will know who we are. It can be just the two of us."_

_"You've thought about this a lot."_

_Rachel admitted, "Lately. I just...I feel like I'm losing myself more and more when I'm in morph. I need to keep my focus so I try to remember what I'm fighting for, not...not how it makes me feel. I'll do whatever I need to so we can get there, Tobias. It'll all be worth it then. Then it's a reason, not just...not just that I like it."_

_Tobias didn't have to ask in order to know that she imagined that future with him as a human one. He knew he could do it for her. After everything she had sacrificed, it seemed selfish to do anything else. It was a good thing, a chance to fix a fatal mistake. But the thought made him sick. He loved her, it wasn't about her. It was about his own freedom and that wasn't Tofino. It was a life where he didn't have to be Tobias Walker._

_He had no idea how to tell her that then, not after they had just been together. Each time only reminded him of how wrong it felt in his body. He loved making her happy, loved focusing on her, but he didn't want her to touch him or have sex in the way she wanted. She never pressured him, but he knew this was part of Tofino too. He let it be and kissed her, holding her for those last few moments, before the spell would be broken and he would have to return to the forests without her._

_____________________

Tobias left the funeral and went straight to the bus station where he had stored his bag in a locker. He looked at the list of departures and saw there was a bus leaving for Seattle. He took it as a sign, going that far north. He hadn't thought too far ahead when he had decided to run but luckily Loren had and had pretty much insisted on packing a bag for him. It was full of beef jerky, an envelope with a few hundred dollars, some new comfortable clothing, a capped hypodermic needle and a bottle of serum, a nearly two-decade-old Walkman with three cassette tapes and extra batteries. In the first cassette, labeled 1984, Tobias found a folded note. He slipped this into his pocket.

He boarded the bus and sat as near as he could to the bathroom, in case he needed to quickly demorph and remorph. He put on the watch and set a timer for one hundred minutes. He unfolded the note and began to read.

_Tobias,_

_After my accident, I spent a long time in physio relearning how to live. My therapist made me mix tapes for me to listen to when I was still bedridden. I listened to them in this Walkman, again and again, as I mourned the life I had lost. I didn't remember much but what I had been told broke me. I knew you were out there and while I thought you would be cared for and loved, I still missed you. I didn't tell you when we met because I thought I would sound insincere and you wouldn't trust me. But I thought about you every day. I never thought we would get this time together. I remember only vaguely what it felt like to lose your father, but the fact I remember at all, even though I even forgot how to hold a spoon, I knew it must have shattered me._

_I know I can't be with you while you grieve and that's okay. But I recently found something that I thought you should hear. I have no idea how it survived but it felt like fate that it should come to me right when I was packing for your trip._

_The serum and needle is your alibi in case someone questions why you need to run away and hide every two hours, especially if you're taking a train or a bus. Insulin shots. It's just water but it might keep you a little safer. Make sure you eat enough between morphs and try to get some sleep. I love you, Tobias. Be safe._

Tobias readied the first tape, put on his headphones and pressed play. He heard Loren's laugh and a man's voice he had never heard before.

_"Your mother had to sing you to sleep or something, Al."_

_"You mean like a human lullaby? You really wish me to record that?"_

_"Humour me. What would you sing to put a baby to sleep?"_

_"I suppose I would say a poem my mother wrote when she was expecting me. She used to recite it for me when I was tired and would not rest."_

_"That'll work. Go for it."_

_"Rain may wash away soil. Sun may brittle grass. Nothing lasts, not stars or thirst or fear. What remains eternal, is the grace of love, and once it is given always survives. It cannot be weathered or eroded. Do not fear what changes and be grounded in this guarantee. I will always love you, beyond my dying days, and the death of all things."_

_"Wow, you Andalites really know how to talk to children, don't you?"_

Elfangor laughed and Tobias started crying. The recordings continued, his father's human voice reciting stories, bantering with Loren, his self-conscious tone fading as he grew more comfortable. Loren must have known, or at least suspected, she was pregnant and had some unexplained instinct of preservation. The Ellimist had let it survive, lost until Tobias needed it most. He listened to only fifteen more minutes before putting it aside. He couldn't keep sobbing on a bus so he put on the second tape. This began with a quiet, oddly soft song by the Rolling Stones and Tobias had an eerie remembrance of someone singing it once to him.

_Don't question why she needs to be so free  
She'll tell you it's the only way to be. _


	18. Marco

Marco had been reasonably terrified to speak to Jake again but when the moment came, it was over in four sentences.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it."

Jake had gone back to the living room and Marco was left feeling both relieved and empty. Jake sat on the couch and watched TV, seeming to forget already that Marco was still there.

Marco went back to his room and looked out the window to see Ax running through the grass. Marco watched for awhile before realizing he was being weird and instead went outside to tell him they were going to the mall.

It wasn't a date. Ax and Marco had hung out a hundred times before. Hell, Marco had spent more time alone with Ax than he had with Jake in the last three years. But there was something different about just the two of them at the mall. Maybe it was Ax's weird attempt at a confession or Marco getting in his own head but it didn't matter. The point was it was too awkward being in the house with the newlyweds. They were getting pizza and they were going to see a movie and hopefully by the time they got home things had cooled off a little bit.

Marco got them both pizza and sat across from Ax, waiting for the familiar sight of Ax stuffing his face. Ax instead merely picked at his food, eating it slowly whenever Marco started to ask a question.

Eventually, Marco joked, "Don't tell me you had sex with Jake too."

Ax made a scrunched face. "No, certainly not that. I am, as you would say, pissed off after his actions yesterday. I believe I might have struck him if he attempted to strike you again."

"Ax-man," Marco teased, "stopping the Andalites from quarantining the planet, striking a superior officer, challenging War Princes to legal duels, you're becoming quite the renegade."

Ax admitted, "If we were not on an open channel with the public when we made contact with my people, then I likely would have been court martialed, not promoted to Prince. If I return to Andalite, I will not be given a high office. I have shown to be a traitor and a human sympathizer. That is not who the War Council will want as a diplomat."

"Were you tempted?" Marco asked. "To go along with them wiping us out?"

Ax bit his lip, a sweetly human gesture he had picked up over the years.

Ax said finally, "I thought about it, but not long."

Marco didn't know what to say next. He got it, he did, but Ax had definitely thought about stabbing them all in the back. Marco might have done it, if it meant seeing his family again. Maybe not though. He hoped not.

Ax waited for his judgment and Marco found he was unable to give one.

Marco sighed and pointed at the crust, "You used to eat these for me."

Ax gave a weak smile. "I am not your garbage bin."

"I've seen you with a plate of nearly day old nachos," Marco commented. "You could have fooled me."

Ax's smile widened and Marco's chest relaxed.

Marco gestured to the washrooms. "You should go demorph. The movie's going to start soon and I know you love the trailers."

Ax agreed, "It is always a treat to see _These Messages_ on the big screen."

The movie was way too long for Ax to watch all of but he snuck out for a time and returned for the final hour. When he returned, Ax linked his hand with Marco's. Marco thought about letting go but instead put his head on his shoulder. They stayed like that through the credits. Someone gave them a dirty look on the way out to the lobby and Marco flipped him the bird.

They went back to the house and Ax went for another run. Marco went to phone his mother, which he did a lot of these days, and saw Jake drinking coffee in the kitchen. Marco sat down across from him.

"You sleep last night?" Marco asked.

Jake admitted, "Two hours. Better than the night before."

"Congrats, by the way," Marco said. "Cassie told me you made an honest woman out of her. I hope you start pulling it together before she leaves you."

Marco realized instantly he had gone too far but to his surprise, Jake only quietly sighed.

Jake agreed, "Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter originally was much longer until I remembered that Cassie had already told them all about Ax's orders. It also originally had what I thought was a very funny The Fast and the Furious joke until I remembered that movie came out in 2001, not 2000. Boo.


	19. Tobias

Tobias smuggled himself over the Canadian border as a hawk. He found a safe space for his bag and spend the rest of the afternoon hunting. He slept in a tree that night, wary of another bird chasing him out of their territory, but grateful to sleep more than a hundred minutes at a time.

He took another bus to Vancouver and then the ferry over to the island. He hitchhiked north and arrived in Tofino. Once he was there, he realized what a huge mistake he had made. The town was full of young people enjoying an early summer day, despite the near constant rain. Bright happy smiles under bright umbrellas, many saying hello and wishing him a good day. The longer he walked, the emptier he felt. Whatever he was looking for, he wasn't going to find it there. How could it when what he had been searching for was Rachel, some last tenuous connection to her and all that rainy town showed him was that she was dead and he was still alive and he could barely breathe.

He spent the last of his money at a hostel and locked himself in his room. He demorphed to stop hyperventilating. Rachel was dead. He was alone, thousands of miles from anyone who knew him and cared for him and he wanted to start screaming Rachel's name, begging her to emerge from beneath one of those umbrellas and kiss him senseless. He missed her, he ached for her, and the pain was so real and so final he thought his heart might just stop.

He decided this was it. The hawk could survive this pain. He could live as a hawk for whatever time he had left, put aside this trash Loren had used to manipulate him, and dive back into the protective instinct of the bird of prey whose only priority was to stay alive. It would be a short life, a brutal and quick life, but then he could be with her, here in Tofino, in the place they were supposed to be together. He'd mail the tape to Ax, toss the rest, and go. He was checking out of humanity. He was done.

He morphed human to go to the post office. He picked up the cassette and suddenly stopped. Ax. He had never said goodbye to him, to the first and only family he had really had in his life. Ax would never know what happened to him and the guilt was enough for him to put the tape back on the bed and sit down beside it.

Before he knew what he was doing, Tobias reached out and picked up the phone. He dialled and Loren answered. He wasn't sure what he meant to say but he was still shocked when he confessed, "I if don't know if I can do this without her. I don't think I want to."

Loren murmured, "Just breathe. Let's just start breathing."

He knew she worked for a crisis line and if he phoned any one of those he would have gotten the same care. But it was his mom and she was with him, even as he wanted to close his eyes and never open them again. She stayed with him until he was calm enough to go back to hawk to sleep and she phoned him in the morning to ask if he was alright.

He wasn't sure and admitted that to her.

Then she asked softly, "Will you call me if it hurts like that again?"

He hesitated and finally agreed, "Okay."


	20. Jake & Cassie

Jake heard the car the moment its tires touched the gravel driveway. He got out of bed, racing down the stairs and straight to the door before Cassie could even stir. He stood on the porch, readying for the fight, only to see Azza and two other soldiers exiting an SUV.

"Mister Berensen, good to see you. May we come in?"

Jake stood, frozen. He gripped the doorframe, unable to speak. He didn't want her there. This was supposed to be their safe place. They were supposed to leave them alone.

"I tried calling," Azza apologized, "but your line was busy."

Marco passed Jake, patting him on the arm as if to tag him out.

"Ax installed a modem last week," Marco explained cheerfully. "He's online most of the time. The Andalites have a big old literary tradition but it can't beat Homestar Runner. Sorry for the inconvenience. You need us for something? Autographs? Photo ops? Unspeakable acts of violence?"

"I'd like to discuss it inside, if I may."

Marco smiled. "Ma'am, if you think you want to be inside a farmhouse that's full of unsupervised teenagers, you'd be wrong. I'm pretty sure I saw a skunk pass out from the stench yesterday. We can talk about whatever it is right here."

Jake swallowed hard. "It's okay, they can come in."

Marco's smile faltered slightly but he recovered. "Just give me a minute to wake Ax-man and Cassie up. Jake, you want to go throw on a shirt before you make these gentlemen blush?"

Marco brought Jake back into the house and quickly closed the door.

Marco hissed, "What are they doing here?"

Jake shook his head. "I don't know."

Marco muttered, "I'm phoning Loren. Go get your wife and Ax."

"Loren?" Jake asked.

"Yeah, Loren. Remember that pasta bake we had yesterday? Yeah, there's no way I could make that. Loren got elected out of all our parents to make sure we don't die. She's the adult I trust in this scenario and if they're rounding us up, she's probably the one who knows where Tobias is. Get going, we've probably got two minutes before they get antsy out there."

Jake went to his bedroom and threw on some jeans and a t-shirt. He woke Cassie gently and she followed him out, half asleep and pulling her housecoat tight around her. Jake put his arm around her waist, leading her into the kitchen. He kissed her cheek before heading out to find Ax, passing Marco on the phone with Loren, catching only a snippet of their conversation.

Marco wrapped the cord tightly around his fingers. "I'm not saying you know where he is, but if somehow you _did_ , I'd give him a shout and warn him he's got about a two hour head start to cut that tracker out and get the hell out of Dodge."

Jake knew they were listening in. He had heard the clicks on the phone when he picked it up, like they were living in an old spy movie. It didn't matter. None of them were saying anything important and they had spent years speaking covertly over the phone. Unless they wanted to hear Marco and Eva gossiping in Spanish about family members, the FBI wouldn't be getting anything interesting.

Jake went out into the paddock and saw Ax examining a cluster of daisies near him. Ax looked up at Jake with his stalk eyes, focused still on the flowers. Ax picked a few and followed Jake back into the house without either of them speaking a word. Neither of them had spoken much since the funeral but Ax recognized a command, even if it was never spoken aloud.

Jake returned to the living room, grateful that someone had cleaned up some of the mess that had accumulated around him. Ax morphed human and sat on the couch beside Marco, keeping an obvious barrier between him and Jake. Cassie sat on his other side, lightly holding his hand in hers.

Azza sat across from them, the two soldiers standing watch by the door. Jake was distracted by them, constantly analyzing where they were looking and what they were hearing. Only the soft squeeze of Cassie's hand drew him back.

Azza apologized again, "I'm sorry to bother you without warning. My hope was to give all of you as much space for as long as possible. It didn't make much sense to keep you at Camp Pendleton with all the chaos. However, I'm going to need to bring you back in for a time. I know that Tobias is somewhere on Vancouver Island and we've sent a team to find him and bring him back home. I'll need the rest of you back on base within a few hours."

"Why?" Jake questioned.

Azza explained, "President Hamilton has been released from quarantine. He would like to meet you, Mister Berensen, before his official statement to the American people. There is likely to be backlash and we hope to keep the rest of you safe until it dies down. As well, the Andalite High Council has requested that Prince Aximili return to his duties and the military has offered to escort him to his post."

"What backlash?" Cassie asked.

"I'm afraid I can't answer that fully at this time. Please know that the President has been considering the matter very carefully and that the decision announced has been made in full cooperation with both the Andalite and Yeerk governments."

Marco folded his arms across his chest but said nothing. He glanced at Ax and gave him a brief nod. Whatever Ax had said was clearly meant for just the two of them.

Azza continued, "I am not sure how long you will be under guard so I advise you to pack at least a week's worth of clothes or any medications you might take. Prince Aximili, I am not sure what the High Council has planned for you so you should expect not to return. If there is anything you would want to keep on base, I would advise you to take it now."

Jake's chest tightened. They were going to send him home. He was never going to see him again. Just like Tobias. Just like Rachel. He was going to lose all of them. Whatever power he had in war was being stripped from him in peace. They didn't need him. None of them needed him anymore.

Azza concluded, "We'll leave within the hour. The President is expected to arrive at Camp Pendleton by noon. I would like all of you to be settled before then."

She didn't need to say "dismissed" for Jake to know they had just been given leave to go. Azza was their commanding officer now. What she said went, even if she said it behind a diplomatic smile and in civilian clothes.

Jake went upstairs to toss the few things he had left into a rucksack. Cassie followed him a few minutes later. She put her hand on his arm and he stopped, realizing he was practically tearing the bag in his grip. He dropped the bag and kissed her, holding her close to him.

Jake didn't talk after that. He pulled her down into the bed with him, unsure of anything except how much he needed her.

_____________________

Everyone spent the ride to Camp Pendleton in uncomfortable silence. Azza didn't reach out to any of them except to give Jake some background information on the President. He had quickly silenced her. Anyone who knew him knew he was a military nerd. He knew all about this particular President just through his service record. Cassie wasn't sure if their common experience would mean that they would get along well or if the encounter would break just further into pieces.

When they reached base, they were quickly separated. Ax was escorted towards the Andalite section of Camp Pendleton and Jake was brought to an undisclosed location to meet President Hamilton. Cassie and Marco were brought back to another townhouse, smaller than the last they had stayed in. This one only had two bedrooms and a tiny galley kitchen. No backyard but a big screen TV.

Cassie walked through it, Marco following behind her like a ghost.

"They don't think Ax is coming back," she said quietly. "No place for him to feed. Just a space where Jake can lose his mind while we watch."

Marco muttered, "I'm supposed to be the pessimist, Cassie. You're supposed to be the one telling me how this is all going to blow over."

"I don't know what's going to happen," she admitted. "Marco, would you drive me to San Diego? I want to visit Rachel before it gets mobbed with people after Hamilton's speech. I wanted to go before, but..."

Marco finished, "but you figured Jake would fall apart if you took him with you. Yeah, let's do it. I don't want to wait around here anymore than you do. I don't think they're going to let me take another car but I'm sure one of the suits stalking the place will give us a lift. You sure you want to leave Jake here to stew by himself?"

Cassie said, "We'll be back before he is. Please. I...I need to see her."

Marco agreed, "Yeah, then let's go."

_____________________

Jake waited in a meeting room for over an hour, Azza debriefing him on NYA and other groups opposing alliances with alien races. He didn't process any of it. He just practiced his answers to a hundred hypothetical questions the Leader of the Free World might ask him.

When the time finally came, Jake was led out to an empty gym. A man in his early sixties in a suit was absentmindedly dribbling a basketball. He heard Jake come in and picked up the ball, cradling it under his arm. He offered his hand.

"David Hamilton," he introduced. "You must be Jake."

Jake shook his hand as Hamilton apologized, "I'm sorry that I couldn't reach out to you earlier. There were a lot of hoops to jump through before they let me out of the bunker - pun not intended. It's been a hell of a first term. You play, right? Let me guess, point guard. Kid your height, you can't be anything else."

Hamilton passed him the ball. "Take a shot."

Jake said, "Mister President, I don't need you to treat me like a kid to get me to talk to you. Could you just tell me what this is about?"

Hamilton's easy smile faded a little. "You know, you're just like Corporal Azza said you'd be. You've got that look my Dad had when he was sober. Come on, Jake. I don't like standing still during heart to hearts and it's not secure enough for us to go for a walk. Do me a favour and take a shot."

Jake did, hitting the backboard hard. The ball shot off but Jake didn't make a move to get it. Hamilton grabbed it and came back dribbling. He did a left lay up, impressive in his dress shoes. He passed the ball back to Jake. Jake put it down on the ground.

Hamilton gave him a nod. "Okay, that's okay. If you just want to talk, we can talk."

"I don't know what there is to talk about," Jake said. "I've given reports and all the information I have to General Mallory already. I know you have more important things to do so maybe you should go do them."

Hamilton agreed, "Maybe. I've been reading report after report in the last seventy-two hours and I've talked to a lot of eyewitnesses. I wanted to meet the boy who saved our planet and shake his hand, thank him for his service before I go and lie to the American people about how this war was won. And...and, well, I wanted to hear your opinion on something."

"Yes?"

"You know these Yeerks," Hamilton said. "Their Visser One was your personal nemesis. I get that. But you let him live to see trial. And these Taxxons...well, I don't mind you telling you they give me the willies but you arranged for them to become animals here on Earth. Now I know that war just leads to war and if we don't try to make some peace now Earth is going to get blasted out of the sky one day soon. I've got a lot of people calling for blood and I'm about to go out there and tell them we're not spilling it. Now you, you've got as much right as anybody has to hate them. They enslaved and then killed your entire family. You watched almost all of the people under your command die. You fought a guerrilla war for years never knowing who you could trust, who you could love and who was going to destroy you. So I've got to ask you, Jake, do you think they deserve a chance to live on Earth? Should we let them live out their lives here alongside all of God's creation or do we send them straight to hell?"

Jake couldn't answer, two different responses fighting for control of his voice. Damn them, destroy them, free the galaxy of them. No more bloodshed, no more death, peace dear God let there be peace.

Hamilton waited for his response for a long time and then agreed, "I don't know either. But I'll tell you this, the fact you even hesitated gives me a lot of hope. It makes me think that if even you could consider offering out your hand, then maybe I can too."

Jake managed to whisper, "I haven't always hesitated, Sir."

The door to the gym opened and two Secret Service agents entered alongside General Mallory and Corporal Azza. Mallory didn't meet Jake's glance as he went to Hamilton.

"Sir," Mallory said, "there's been a security breach. A portion of the Andalite reports on the Pool Ship has been leaked online by the NYA. CNN is already planning to broadcast it within the next ten minutes."

Azza instructed, "You'll need to give your speech now before further damage can be done. Please, we must go now."

"What audio clip?" Hamilton asked as Mallory rushed him away.

Jake stood frozen as Azza went to him, trying to lead him out of the room. He knew. He knew exactly what NYA had leaked that was so damning to the President's mission of peace.

_< There is a flush sequence. I have to override the safety protocols. It can be done.>_

_< Okay.>_

_< The pool is full to capacity. These are the Yeerks that were rescued from the earth-based Yeerk pool. Plus the bulk of the unhosted Yeerks recently transported here.>_

_< Some reason you're telling me all this?>_

_< Jake, there are seventeen thousand, three hundred seventy-two Yeerks in this pool.>_

_< Flush them.>_

_____________________

Cassie's hand went instinctively to her mouth, a habit from years of hiding her sobs. Marco walked ahead, his hands visibly shaking. He knelt down in front of Rachel's grave and put his hand on her tombstone, his fingers unable to cover the bright orange paint. Even if he could, it didn't matter. It was everywhere.

_Long Live Jake the Yeerk-killer._

 


	21. Marco & Ax

Marco couldn't remember leaving Rachel's grave or being escorted back to the car. He was vibrating with anger, such soulkilling anger he was almost lost in it. Marco wanted to break things. He wanted to smash things. He wanted to destroy everything.

Cassie was silent, withdrawing in on herself. Marco was grateful. If she said anything to him, he would end up saying something he couldn't take back.

They were brought back to Camp Pendleton and left back at the townhouse, just in time for the President's speech. Marco didn't want to watch but Cassie insisted. He sat down beside her, pulling his knees up to his chest.

President Hamilton was at a podium in what seemed like an empty room. He looked briefly over to someone on his right and then straight into the camera.

Marco didn't know what to expect but he was still surprised. President Hamilton spoke for about ten minutes. Marco broke it mentally into bullet points because the political bullshit surrounding the facts made it impossible to understand otherwise.

  * Every Yeerk on Earth would be found and given the chance to either live their life out as an endangered animal _nothlit_ or to be held in Andalite custody.
  * Same went for the Taxxons
  * The Andalites would be given a seat at the UN
  * The Hork-Bajir would be sent back to their homeworld as part of a joint effort from the Andalites and the United States to wipe out the remaining Yeerks
  * The US government recognizes that the efforts of guerrilla efforts by civilians, mostly as a ruse so the Yeerks didn't know the government was fighting them



Throughout his speech, Cassie shook her head in protest. When it was over and Marco turned off the screen, she turned to him and asked, "What happens to the Yeerk Peace Movement then? What about the voluntary Controllers? And the Hork-Bajir? They have children in that colony, they're just expected to die as fodder in another war?"

Marco rubbed his temples. He was tired, too tired for all this. He wasn't a zombie like Jake but he hadn't been sleeping well either and neither had Ax. They kept waking each other up and the other would stay awake until the scared one fell asleep. All he wanted to do was have a nap. Maybe some churros too. He had been craving them for days.

"Cassie, what did you expect to happen?" Marco asked. "We weren't all going to sit around a campfire and sing Kumbaya. Look, this isn't our problem anymore. You heard the man. It's over. Mission Accomplished."

"So you're just going to watch while our allies are destroyed?" Cassie insisted. "You really don't feel like you need to do something?"

Marco spat, "I did plenty. Now I'm done. If you want to start burning draft papers or whatever, you're going to have to do it yourself."

Cassie's expression grew cold. "Marco, I know you're upset with what happened, but-"

Marco interrupted, "Cassie, I just came from a National cemetery covered in graffiti praising Jake for wiping out seventeen thousand Yeerks. James' tombstone had "flush them" written eight times on it. The NYA somehow got recordings of our thought-speech during that last fight and they already leaked lists of former hosts of high-ranking Yeerks. They want my mother dead, Cassie. I'm staying out of this one."

"Rachel wouldn't have."

Marco replied, "Rachel needed a fight, any fight. If she could punch a problem, she would. I'm not Rachel but you know who is? Jake. Jake's always going to be looking for the next battle, Cassie. You let him get involved in all this, you're going to lose him. If you want our boy to have a chance of survival, you find some nice cabin in the woods and live out your days as lumberjacks. Tobias had the right idea. We need to get going while the getting's good."

Cassie argued, "I can't walk away from this and you know you can't either. We have a responsibility."

Marco closed his eyes. "Cassie, I'm exhausted. Let's fight later."

Marco went to his bedroom and locked the door behind him. He lay down on the bed, covering his face with a pillow. He wanted to scream but the practical part of his mind knew it would only make things worse. He phoned Loren and his parents to give their new number and then laid still in the dark, forcing himself to at least close his eyes.

_____________________

Ax watched the American President's speech from the Andalite compound. It was in the background, irrelevant as he and his superiors were discussing the very things proposed. But Ax kept a stalk eye back, watching the man stumble through a proposed three day holding period to find Yeerks and give them the offer of either exile on Earth as _nothlits_ or being put in Andalite custody. Ax knew that meant death. Some might think of this as amnesty, but it was an extinction of the Yeerk race from this sector of space.

And in that moment, Ax found it impossible to care. He was instead thinking about what he had just been told by Captain Asculan, the old warrior nearly gleeful. His first officer would be taking Ax's position as liaison to the United States. The diplomatic officers on their way would fill the remaining roles on Earth, leaving Ax to return to Andalite. Not in six months. In six weeks.

Ax was in shock. He hadn't really expected to remain in such a high position for long but to be so quickly stripped from it was a slap. He hadn't even had the opportunity to do anything. They had left him be for just over two weeks and then replaced him. Worse still...Ax had so little time left now. If it weren't for Asculan's own interests in touring the planet, Ax would be on his way home right there and then.

Ax was given the opportunity to speak to his parents and he was too stunned to do anything but accept. He was brought to a conference room where the humans had set up a transponder to Andalite. It was a room designed for three-dozen humans and Ax felt its emptiness when he went inside alone.

That emptiness did not go away when his parents filled the screen. Ax couldn't read their faces. It had been awhile since he had looked at another Andalite face to face but it was clear that they were being monitored. This was not a place for a private, intimate conversation.

<Aximili-kala,> Forlay greeted. <It is good to see you well. Every day we were parted I worried for your hearts and your health. You are being treated well by the American High Command?>

<Yes,> Ax confirmed. <Very well.>

Noorlin said, <We have heard that you have been made Prince. We are so proud of your accomplishments, our son. We cannot wait for your return.>

The conversation was stiff, awkward. Andalites were more formal by nature but Ax longed for something real and sincere. Rachel's last moments with her mother flashed before his eyes, the image of his friend weeping in Naomi's arms.

Forlay asked, <When will you begin your journey home, Aximili-kala? Will you be needed much longer on Earth?>

<Not much longer,> Ax admitted. <Six weeks by the human calendar.>

Forlay commented, <You do not sound happy about leaving. Are you alright?"

<We...we lost a comrade, Rachel. She was a fierce warrior and a good friend to us. We are all mourning her loss. I can't imagine leaving my friends right now. I would feel like I was abandoning them by going so soon..>

His parents glanced at each other with their stalk eyes and Ax absentmindedly shuffled his hoof against the carpeted floor. He felt as if he was in trouble and they were deciding his punishment.

Noorlin said, <We were told about this too. You've been calling one of this human children a Prince and another your _shorn_. We were told that you were...cohabitating with one of them. >

Ax raised a stalk eye. <Is it a bad thing to bond with one's fellow soldiers?>

Forlay protested, <No, of course not. But you have to understand that we have heard mostly of your life through rumours. There is a lot of political change happening at home. The Andalite electorate is attempting to rebalance power from the military and some are doing whatever they can to do so. There are questions about what has exactly occurred on Earth. One politician in particular has been against working with human governments. He has...not said very flattering things about our family.>

Noorlin explained, <While he celebrates our sons' military records, he has insinuated that both you and Elfangor have unnatural connections with humanity. He has said that Elfangor fathered a child on Earth and that you on multiple occasions have shown to chose human interests over those of our people.>

Ax hung his head and Forlay murmured, <It's true, isn't it?>

Ax replied, <I can't speak for Elfangor but...yes, I did not always obey my orders. I did what I had to do and I did what I thought was best. I stand by that.>

Noorlin said softly, <Aximili-kala, you have been given a great opportunity. Come home. Already families are putting forth partner proposals. You could get any position you wanted here, any mate you wished. You have done a great service. Do not dishonour that or our family by continuing to raise such questions. If not for your sake, think of that of your brother 's memory.>

Forlay agreed, <Your place is here with your people. You will feel better when you are home. Do not regret leaving the battlefield.>

Ax replied, <It was good to speak to you both. I will contact you soon when I have my travel arrangements. Be well.>

He ended the call abruptly. He needed to leave. He needed to leave now. He morphed human, walked out of the room, and once outside started running. No one stopped him. He looked no different from the other young recruits, training for the new battles ahead of them on the Hork-Bajir home world. He looked just as tired. He looked just as scared.

He ran until he fell at the steps to the townhouse. He knelt on the concrete, catching his breath. He looked up at the living room window, seeing the outlines of Jake and Cassie as they argued. Ax entered and walked past them and into Marco's bedroom.

Marco was sitting up against the headboard, yawning.

"You reek," Marco muttered.

"I am in the form of a human teenage male. I thought I should smell the part."

Marco chuckled. "A joke and at my expense. I've taught you well, Ax-man. You're going to kill at the comedy clubs back home."

Ax knew he should tell him but found he couldn't. He demorphed and lay down to rest on the floor beside him. Marco rolled to that side of the bed, settling back into the blankets. Ax looked up at him, ready to confess, but Marco was already back asleep, snoring into his pillow. Ax closed his own eyes. He needed rest too.


	22. Tobias

Tobias decided to give Tofino a week. He had run out of money but with his hawk sight, he was very good at seeing people's pins and later stealing their debit cards. He felt guilty at first but he never took more than a hundred dollars and he only did it to people who were rude to their servers.

On his third day, he forced himself to sit in the hostel lounge and talk to another person. A large friendly surfer named Paul instantly took a shine to him and introduced him to his friend group. Tobias barely caught all of their names but they were all twenty something year old men, all over six foot, blond, and jacked. With Paul's cocksure smile and tiger-eyes, Tobias couldn't help but think of Rachel. This was the person Rachel would have grown up to be, even if she would never have worn Paul's ripped Kepler t-shirt.

"So, what you doing up north?" Paul asked. "You might not look like a Cali boy but you've definitely got the accent. Let me guess, San Diego, right?"

"Close enough," Tobias said. "I needed to get away awhile and this place seemed nice enough."

"You're a little young to be out here by yourself, aren't you? If you're eighteen, you can hit me."

"Sixteen," Tobias said. "I'm taking some time off from high school."

"Good," another surfer (Matt, maybe?) agreed. "Best thing I ever did was drop out of Grade 12 and head west. Just get your GED, man. The world opens right up after high school. Wait, you said San Diego, right? You didn't get caught up in that alien shit, did you? That shit was messed up. What was that place...Riverside?"

"That's in Iowa, doofus," Paul said. "That's where Captain Kirk's from. You didn't get body snatched, did you, Tobs?"

Tobias answered, "Yeah, I'm from that area. My school got targeted. I was fine but when they opened it up, I just didn't feel like heading back. Too many memories."

"Still," Paul commented, "that shit gives you nightmares. You came to the right place, bro. You've got to relax, have a vacation. You smoke grass at all? You've never had grass like we grow in BC, bro. It's good what ails you. It'll mellow out everything you've got going on right now."

Tobias considered it. It wasn't like it was going to affect him in the long term once he demorphed. "I've never done it, but if you're offering..."

Paul slapped him on the back. "Good choice, son. Okay, grab your suit. We're all heading to the beach. We'll split a joint, catch some waves, and you'll feel like a new man."

Tobias said, "I take insulin shots every two hours. Is there a place I can do that privately?"

"No worries, bro, we'll make it happen. Come on, let's go!"

_____________________

Tobias had always been told that Canadians were polite but never that they were potheads. Tobias had his first joint crafted by an expert in the herb and he sat smoking on the beach while Paul and his friends played in the surf. He was just starting to get a buzz when he had to remorph and start over. It was pleasant enough but he knew he wasn't going to continue once he left BC. He didn't talk to most peple but they offered to take him out and made affectionate jokes about how stoned he must be.

Tobias didn't have the heart to tell them that surfing was not going to compare to swimming as a dolphin. Pot, however, was a much more novel experience. There wasn't much as a human that was going to be nearly as exciting as flying or swimming or running. He would have to give all of that up to keep living. Rachel had feared being restless after the war. Tobias feared never flying again, being bound to the ground forever, trapped in a body he hated. This...this was the first time in a long time he felt even a taste of peace.

He eventually went back to the hostel with another joint as a parting gift. He laid on the bed and lit it, smoking as he listened to Elfangor's tape for the fifth time. Hearing his father's voice, something occurred to him that he had never considered before. His father wasn't human. He was but he wasn't. He had seen the life he wanted and he had changed himself to fit it. It wasn't entirely his choice but he made the best of it he could. He hadn't become a _nothlit_ of someone else. He made himself a human morph that represented him. That he could live in. Tobias would have to become human to save his life, but it didn't mean he had to be Tobias Walker. He could be anyone he wanted to. He had a choice. Ax had chosen to be male because he was male. Tobias could do the same. He could be whoever he wanted to be, needed to be.

Tobias tried to think of the elements of being human, when he had felt like himself, and he could only think of one thing: morphing Taylor for the first time. He had felt present in her body in a way that he never had in his own. It was possible it had just been the feeling of being powerful and beautiful but was that all? Marco had told him that he needed to run away to figure out what he was running from. Tobias had a sudden fear that this was it. It wasn't that he didn't want to be human. He didn't want to be Tobias. Not because Tobias was weak or useless, but because he wasn't...no. No. But how many times had he wanted to be Rachel as much as he wanted to be with her? How many times had he imagined having her strength, her courage, her fire? What if it wasn't because of how much Tobias loved her but because she was -

No. Tobias shut that down. He was stoned. He was losing it. He demorphed and remembering that he had agreed to have dinner with Paul and his friends, started to remorph. But instead of shifting to his human form, he became Taylor.

Tobias looked at himself in the mirror and realized that he was breathing. It wasn't like he never breathed as a human but he was so tightly wound that it was more like he was constantly hyperventilating. But his chest easily rose and fell and he felt calmer than he had in a very long time.

He had morphed Taylor before and at the time he had felt oddly comfortable but hadn't thought much of it. It was like he had been wearing sandals kept together with duct tape all his life and was trying on a pair of brand new sneakers for the first time. It was like suddenly he realized that most people don't go around their life with blisters and rashes. This is what people felt like when they talked about their shoes. They could walk without it hurting, like it was just nothing. Like it was as easy as breathing.

He whispered, "Shit."

Even his voice felt right, almost tasted sweet in his mouth, even if he had heard such terrible things with her words. It was close, so very close, but not quite his.

Overwhelmed, he couldn't watch himself in the mirror anymore but he didn't want to go back to hawk. So he drew himself a bath and climbed in. He had never been a big fan of baths. When he was a kid, they meant that the landlord couldn't be bothered to fix the plumbing and he was washing with water from the kitchen tap. It'd only be lukewarm at best and would barely go past his ankles.

It was not like he suddenly loved them but he loved the feeling of his body in hot water. He was so aware of how comfortable he felt, how right he was in his skin. Everything felt so much more joyous in her body than it did in his. Washing his hair was blissful, rinsing it a pleasure. Everything that had felt mediocre about being human felt so good.

The alarm clock rang and Tobias got out of the bath. He towelled off just for the feel of it and changed back into the hawk that had been his home for so long. It had always been a battle of who he was, bird or boy, but now there was a clear and obvious answer: neither. He had and always had been a girl.

<Shit.>


	23. Marco

Marco woke to shouting, his heart racing. He glanced at the floor to make sure Ax was okay and then headed out the door, his hands already black and furry. Then he saw it was just Cassie and Jake fighting and he relaxed again. This had been going on since the President's speech. Jake was sitting in front of the TV, CNN muted, while Cassie tried to convince him to give a damn about what was happening. Honestly, Cassie wasn't even really yelling but everything seemed so loud to Marco those days. Any time she raised her voice at all it made him jump.

Marco went to the kitchen, unplugged the phone and grabbed a bunch of pop tarts. He brought these all back to his bedroom, plugging the phone in the jack by his bed. Ax was still asleep, or at least pretending to be. Marco ignored him and made his call east. Or at least tried to. No one was picking up at his aunt's place or his parents' new apartment. He left a few voicemails and then went back to his makeshift breakfast.

Annoyed that Ax was still sleeping through Cassie's identity crisis, Marco threw a pop tart at his head. The Andalite raised a stalk eye grumpily, then lowered it again.

"Aren't your bosses expecting you back by now?" Marco asked.

Ax replied, <I do not believe they care where I am on base as long as I am not further irritating them. I am under the impression as long as I report back before my departure, they will leave me be.>

"Further irritating?"

<I do not wish to talk about it.>

"Fine," Marco said, "but you got to go eat and do your morning ritual junk."

If Ax could sigh, he did then. <Yes, I suppose.>

The phone rang and Marco nodded towards that. "That's probably my Mom."

Ax rose to his feet. <Then I will leave you to answer it.>

Ax left the room, closing the door behind him.

Marco picked up. "Hello?"

"Marco, it's me. It's Tobias."

Marco frowned. "Hey birdboy. You know they've probably got the line tapped, right?"

"That's okay. I saw the speech yesterday. Man...that's a lot. Any of you talk to Toby yet?"

Marco replied, "Cassie's going up tonight. She's trying to convince Jake to go with her. It doesn't seem to be going well. How are you doing? You get that tracker out?"

"Yeah, though I guess I'm giving away where I am right now if anyone's tracing this. I'm...I'm okay. Just thinking a lot of things over."

"Well, don't think about them too much," Marco muttered.

"So...you're okay then?"

"Of course I'm not okay!" Marco snapped. "You think I'm _happy_ with how everything turned out? I'm a sixteen-year-old vet from a war I'm not allowed to talk about. Pretty much everyone I love has PTSD, including me. And once again, can't talk about it, not even to my priest and I'm pretty sure Father Jorge would freaking have a coronary listening to the last three years of my life. So I'm down to my four surviving friends. We got Jake whose a complete basket case, Cassie whose under the delusion she can fix him with the power of love or some bullshit, you on your big quest to find yourself, and Ax...well...he's..."

Tobias asked, "What about Ax? What's wrong with him?"

Ax was as screwed up as the rest of them but Marco had to pretend hardest with him. It wasn't that he thought Ax couldn't handle reality or anything like that. Just when Ax was happy, he could feel happy too. If Ax laughed, then it felt like there were things in the world worth laughing about. He needed that more than someone to vent at. He needed someone who made him want to get up in the morning.

"Marco? You still there?"

Marco smiled into the receiver. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with him. He's perfect just the way he is."

Tobias said, "No one's perfect, Marco."

"No, I guess not. Sorry, bird boy, I shouldn't have gone off on you like that. I know this whole bosom buddies thing is new for us. It's nice to see someone actually cares about how I'm feeling. Sorry. Really."

Tobias hesitated. "Marco...Marco, I'm not ready to go home yet but there's somewhere I need to go and I'm too scared to go alone. Do you think you can get away for a day or so?"

"Tobias, I've seen you rip eyes out of skulls on multiple occasions. I think you can probably handle yourself."

Tobias asked again, "I need a friend and I think you're the only one who might understand. Please. Would you meet up with me in San Francisco? I'll give you the address." 

Marco heard Jake, a sure sign the argument was either going to continue louder or lead to them having sex again. "You know what, a little road trip would be real good right now. Are you sure you just want me? I mean, I'm honoured if I'm your rebound after Xena but I should pack accordingly." 

Tobias said, "I'm serious, Marco. This is a big deal for me. Will you come? Just you, please. I know Ax will want to come if you tell him, but...I can't right now."

Marco promised, "I'll come. Give me the address. I can be there tomorrow. They took the truck away so I've got to figure out the bus schedule."

Tobias sighed deeply. "Thanks, Marco. Listen...well, just thanks."

_____________________

Marco had been to San Francisco exactly once. His dad had a tech conference or something and Marco had tagged along. Once he realized he wasn't going to get to reenact _Bullitt_ , he spent most of the weekend moping in the hotel room, convinced that the city was nothing more than fish and way too steep streets.

He had apparently been going to the wrong neighbourhoods because this place seemed a lot more fun. Cute boys kept winking at him and almost every shop had a rainbow flag sticker in their window. Most of them also had huge rainbow flags hanging from their doors, but Marco had always been a fan of a good decal.

Marco could definitely see the appeal of visiting San Francisco two weeks before Pride but he had no idea why he was meeting Tobias there. Or why he had been so desperate for him to show up. This seemed like a place to party not to have personal emergencies. Though maybe he just wanted him as his wingman to pick up some pretty boy. Huh. Wingman. He had used that before, right? If he hadn't, he would have to change that real soon.

Marco found Tobias' hotel, flirted a little with the receptionist to let him in, and then made his way up to the top floor. Marco tried to formulate a joke about him always needing his head in the clouds. He was work shopping it still when he left the elevator and nearly ran straight into Taylor.

Marco's first instinct was to punch her in the face but she grabbed his wrist.

"Marco, it's me," she insisted. "It's Tobias."

Marco hissed, "Funny. Where is he?"

"You tell people your favourite movie is _Die Hard_ but it's really _The Lion King_. You got a D- in seventh grade gym class and you think egg salad is a war crime."

"And I'm sure you had fun learning all that when you infested my friend," Marco growled. "Where is he?"

Taylor pulled him into her hotel room and demorphed into a red-tailed hawk.

<Happy?> Tobias asked.

"Well no, but I'm going to just have to assume I'm not having a really terrible day," Marco replied. "You want to tell me what's going on or are we going to do charades?"

Tobias morphed back into Taylor and sat on the bed. "I...I think I've figured it out." 

Marco sat on the bed beside him. "Figured what out?"

Tobias smiled almost sadly. "Everything. I...I learned something really big about myself. Or at least I think I have. I..."

"Jesus," Marco grumbled. "You're not pregnant, are you? Because you've got this glow about you that makes you either look knocked up or saintly."

"There's a group I want to go to tomorrow. For people like me."

"Birds of prey?"

Tobias swallowed hard. "Women who were born in the wrong body."

Marco started laughing nervously and Tobias' face fell.

"No, sorry," Marco apologized, "it's not funny, I just thought you were dying or something and it's just that. Phew. Okay. You think you might be a girl. I can deal with that."

Tobias looked stunned. "Really? You're just...okay with that?"

Marco said, "Tobias, of all the things I have seen and heard in the last few years, that is probably the most normal thing. And like you're in a pretty ideal situation if you are a girl. I mean, please, for the love of God don't become a Taylor _nothlit_. But you basically can become the hottest girl in the world if you want to. I can help you pick. You want to look at some swimsuit catalogues for inspiration?"

Tobias still seemed disappointed in him. "This is just a joke to you."

Marco shook his head. "No, I promise, it's not. You know I'm not good at this. If you wanted the body acceptance and you're beautiful the way you are speech, you should have grabbed Cassie. Tobias, I'm telling you that you can make yourself however you want and I like you however you are. All I care about is that you're not having a mental breakdown in a hotel in the Castro." 

Tobias smiled weakly. "Don't get too sentimental on me now."

"I could throw in some boob jokes if you'd like but I think that might be overkill," Marco added.

Tobias laughed. "No, I think I'm okay. I knew if anyone got it, it would be you."

"Me?"

"Because you're...well, you know."

Marco raised an eyebrow. "Devilishly handsome?"

"Not straight."

Marco muttered, "Wow, this day is not going at all like I thought it was going to." 

"I'm sorry," Tobias apologized, "I didn't mean to-" 

Marco put up a hand. "It's fine, Hawkeye. Look, this isn't about me right now. You said you wanted to go to a group or something?"

"Yeah," Tobias said. "There's a support group tomorrow morning at a bookstore down the street. I wanted to go in human morph, as me not Taylor. I'm just worried someone might recognize me or that it won't go well. I don't know. I just know I can't do it alone and I trust you. Will you go with me? There's a coffee shop inside it. I'll buy you a drink and a book."

"It's okay," Marco said. "You save your money to start buying lipstick or whatever. I've always gotten the impression it's really expensive living as a woman. There's a pink tax or something? I don't know. I was never listening when Rachel went on about it. Wait, I guess that means you're a lesbian too. That's awesome. Not everyone gets to double come out of the closet."

Tobias started shivering and Marco moved to sit beside him. He put his arm around him and rubbed his shoulder.

"It's going to be okay," Marco promised. "Let's get your mind off it. Let's do the thing that Jake would never let us do."

Tobias asked, "Use our morphing powers to get into clubs and get drunk?"

"You got it, girl. You get all dolled up as that hot monster. I've got some adult morphs in the tank here. Once we get in, I can be my handsome charming self and you can learn how to dance in heels. What do you say? Will you be my date to a gay bar?"

Marco half expected him to tell him to screw off but instead Tobias leaned against him and murmured, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet until you see how much of a lightweight I am," Marco said. "You're going to have to deal with me making a complete asshat of myself. You're gonna hate it and I'm going to have so much fun."

Tobias smiled at him and Marco's chest eased. He had no idea if he was doing this right but if there was a chance for one of them to be happy, he was going to do anything he could to make it happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tobias is going to be using he/his/him pronouns until I think two chapters from now since he's still figuring things out.


	24. Jake

Jake wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there. Cassie had left at some point with their military escort to get supplies for the Hork-Bajir and her parents. She would be back at some point to pick him up. It might have been an hour or only a few minutes. He had told her he wasn't going but she was giving him a chance to change his mind.

But he couldn't. He couldn't face Toby. He couldn't go outside the base. He was Jake the Yeerk-killer. Anyone could figure it out, anyone could praise him or damn him. CNN showed the same two blurry photos of the funeral, speculating which of those boys, if any, were the same soldier on the leaked audio. Jake had seen those photos a hundred times. The only one that any of them were in was a wide shot where if you looked very closely you could see Tobias' face but most of him was shielded by Marco's back.

<Jake?>

He looked up and saw Ax standing above him.

"Hey," Jake greeted tiredly.

Ax informed, <Marco has just left. Tobias asked him for help. I am not sure when either of them will be back.>

Jake frowned. "Marco?"

<I am just as confused but I imagine my _shorm_ has his reasons. >

Jake rubbed his eyes. "I guess it's just you and me then. When do you have to go back to the Andalite compound?"

<I thought you were leaving to see the DeConnicks this afternoon.>

Jake shook his head. "No, Cassie is. I don't think I'm going to be any use to them so I figured I'd stick around in case someone needs me."

Ax hesitated and said, <I don't know much about responsibilities humans have for their mates, but I think you are making a mistake.>

Jake laughed in surprise. "Is that so?"

<Jake, if you don't go with her now, I don't know when she will come back.>

"Did she say something to you?"

<You know her better than I do, but I do know that Cassie does not easily leave a mission behind. Her family is dedicated to ensuring the safety of the Hork-Bajir and her place is with her family.>

"I'm her family," Jake argued. "We belong together."

<And that is why you should go with her.>

Jake hung his head in defeat. "You're right. You could come with us, you know."

Ax replied, <I wish to remain here and wait for Tobias and Marco to return. It is only a few days...I have been alone much longer than that when I have had to.>

"You still feel alone? Even with your people here now?"

Ax lowered his stalk eyes. <I don't wish to talk about it.>

"But you'd talk about it with Marco, right?" Jake asked, not sure where his own hostility was coming from. "You know he's forgiven me for hitting him. He's my best friend. I know I messed up. Are you still shutting me out because of that? He's fine, he said he was fine."

Ax admitted, <It isn't that you struck him, it was that you would have struck him again if I had not intervened. And he would have stood and taken it because he cares for you. I am reluctant to trust you. That's my failing. I have always trusted you before. I have listened to the recordings. If the Andalites had not censored my name before giving them to your FBI, then perhaps my name would be written over those tombstones along with yours. Perhaps it should be instead. I gave you that information. I did the act. I just wanted your permission. I didn't want to feel alone and I trusted you to tell me what I was doing was right. I am sorry that you are paying the price for my choice.>

Jake weakly tried to smile, ignoring the tears rolling down his cheeks. He tried to say something in response, but all that came out was a choked sob. Ax knelt down and put his hand on Jake's.

<Go with her, Jake,> Ax pleaded.

Jake promised, "I will."

_____________________

Jake slept most of the way to the makeshift Hork-Bajir sanctuary. It was a public park near their hometown. There wasn't enough for them to eat and it was slowly filling with well meaning activists who wanted to protect them or live in solidarity with them. The sight of them all as they drove up was...was actually kind of hopeful. The only protestors were those who wanted no military presence at all on site.

Jake had a vague memory then, as he left the convoy with Cassie. He saw his grandfather, the two of them walking through this park when Jake was young. Someone had stopped his grandfather and offered his hand to him. Jake was five and was confused who this stranger was and what they wanted with his grandfather.

The protestors and activists turned to face him and a woman in her seventies stepped forward to them both. There was something in her eyes that made him think of his own mother and he found himself transfixed, standing perfectly still. The crowd went quiet as she walked those last three feet between them.

The woman offered her hand out to him and said those same words the stranger had said to his grandfather. "Thank you for your service."

Marco had called them veterans before but it hadn't hit him until that moment that was what he was. A veteran. A soldier come home. He was feeling an ancient loss, one that so many had felt before him. It was a new kind of loneliness, of pain, but it was easier to hold.

Jake shook her hand and murmured, "Thank you."

She shook Cassie's hand as well before leading them through the fence that protected their little park and the last of the free Hork-Bajir.


	25. Cassie

There were no reporters, no soldiers, and no American politicians. The human shield of activists and protesters made sure of it. Four people entered a summit under a thin weathered tent: Cassie, Toby, and the two delegates. There was a woman in his thirties and a man who could not be much older than Cassie.

Toby did the introductions. "Cassie, this Joel Varela and Ana Serra. Mister Varela is from an organization called the Amazon Rainforest Guard. Mister Serra is the Brazilian Minister of the Environment. Gentlemen, this is Cassie DeConnick of the Animorphs. She was a great ally to my people during the war and is very knowledgeable about environmental issues."

The younger one, Joel, said, "Thank you, Miss Hamee. We are both very excited to be here today. It is an honour to meet you both."

His Portuguese accent was soft, reminding her a little of when Marco spoke Spanish. It was a language he was comfortable in but was not the one he first reached for.

Joel continued, "I'm afraid that we will have to speak relatively quickly. As you both know, the American government is preparing for an assault on the Hork-Bajir homeworld and is expecting to send the entire species back as soldiers. The Amazon Rainforest Guard is a non-profit organization that works to protect the forests and the rights of the indigenous peoples in the area. When my organization first heard of your people, Miss Hamee, we reached out to our connections in the Ministry. We believe that we may have another option."

Serra's English was not as strong but there was a determination in her voice that could not be ignored. "We have a proposal for you, as the leader of your people. We and the ARG have been developing a program to monitor agricultural encroachment and the poaching of rare creatures. We were in the midst of finalizing housing details for rangers working in the program when the war ended. We have spoken to the indigenous leaders involved in the project and have received their blessing to reach out to you. We would like the Hork-Bajir to be these rangers. You would live in a section of the rainforest and help grow it and keep it safe. In return, my government would offer residency to your people and offer protection from the American government."

"How big a section?" Toby asked.

"In theory," Joel said, "everything within Brazil's borders. We'd start small at first but over time we'd love for human volunteers to work alongside you. We would work together to make sure your people are not impacting the environment too heavily but from what I understand, your people were environmental stewards on your home world. My ancestors grew the rainforest through thousands of years of agriculture. We would be honoured if you came to live with us and helped us keep it safe." 

Serra said, "We do not have much time and we are moving as quickly as possible before the American President can act. I am putting forward the motion in Congress early next week but I do not want to go forward until I have your permission, Miss Hamee. The ARG would like for you and some of your people to examine the initial territory to ensure the vegetation there is palatable but I will need your answer before we leave tomorrow."

Toby took a deep breath. "Then let us discuss it quickly then."

Joel did most of the speaking, Serra mostly nodding along and asking Joel for the odd translation when Toby spoke. Cassie said even less, looking to Toby. She knew what she wanted and needed for her people. Cassie was there for support and honestly a bit for show. If it helped the Hork-Bajir get away from the battle lines, then she was grateful.

When the summit was over, Serra hung behind to speak alone with Toby. Cassie walked Joel back to his tent.

Once they were out of earshot, Joel said, "I've heard your parents have been serving her as physicians."

"They're big game vets," Cassie explained. "They're trying their best."

"Will they go with them if they go south?"

Cassie admitted, "Probably, if they're given the chance. It would be an amazing opportunity. I would take it in a heartbeat." 

"Then you should consider it, even if they decline," Joel replied.

 Cassie asked in surprise, "Is that an option?"

 "The Hork-Bajir trust you, especially Toby. Your mother has told me a lot about you and I think you would be a great fit. Think about it, at least. You'll have some time. We would be lucky to get them south in two months."

Cassie went back to her parents' fire and to all those who had gathered around it. Jake was sitting by a young Hork-Bajir, the pair drawing circles in the dirt together with sticks. Jake's hair had fallen forward, clearly unwashed, but his expression was softer than she had seen it in weeks.

That night they laid under the stars, curled in two zipped together sleeping bags. Cassie lay on his chest and he kept his arm protectively around her. She knew he wasn't really sleeping, but he was resting and he was safe. That was all she could expect from him, even if she hoped for so much more. 

Dawn came and Toby made her decision. She would not have a second war chosen for them. Brazil. In Brazil they could live as they were born to be.

Cassie went to her parents and they told her their answer before she could even ask. They were in. When the call came, they were ready to go and they wanted her to go with them. They could homeschool her and she could come back to the US for college if she wanted to. They could make it work, away from California and all they had suffered during the war.

"What about Jake?" Cassie asked.

Her parents looked at each other for a long time and Walter answered, "We would love for him to come with us but it's going to be a big change. For all of us. A good change, but it might not be the right one for him."

Michelle promised, "If you want to stay here with him, we completely understand. We'd miss you, of course, and we both think this would be an amazing opportunity for you. This could be really good, Cass. Think about it, okay?"

Cassie knew her answer already. She needed to go. She needed to see this out. This was her responsibility, her duty, to protect those who had protected them. The Hork-Bajir needed allies and together they could even protect the planet. Bring forth life, not death. A chance to grow anew.

But she needed Jake too and at that moment, glancing over at the exhausted boy beside her, she was not sure if she could have both.


	26. Marco

Marco had the choice of sneaking into the bar as either the Governor or as a dead fighter jet pilot. Either way didn't seem really appealing to him but it was kind of hilarious seeing people try to figure out where they knew that middle aged woman from. Tobias on the other hand was just incredibly attractive so they let them in without much fuss.

Marco hadn't really considered what his plan was here. Tobias was almost immediately eyed at by every woman interested in women and a few men too. Marco hung by but he was almost universally ignored. Occasionally someone would buy the pair of them a drink and then Marco attempted to make jokes in order to make his presence worthwhile.

Around the hour mark, Tobias signaled over to Marco. They made their way into one of the gender-neutral washrooms and Marco kept watch while Tobias demorphed, remorphed, and redid Taylor's makeup. It was a surprisingly long process, even with Marco helping with the mascara.

"Ready to hit the dance floor yet?" Marco asked.

Tobias hesitated. "I don't know. I don't want to lead anyone on."

"Then just dance with me," Marco offered. "Then other people might think I'm cute and pay attention to me. Come on. You've got to learn how to dance in heels eventually. You might as well do it when you can still morph the torn tendons away."

Marco held out his hand and Tobias took it, giving a nervous smile. It was still really unnerving seeing him as Taylor but his expressions were so completely different. There was a scared little kid in there worried someone might throw him on the ground and kick the crap out of him. Funny how that won out, even after everything else the poor bastard had been through. Just a bullied lonely kid hoping someone might love him. Then someone did and she died horrifically in front of him because their fearless leader ordered her to. So you know, typical adolescence.

Marco was not a great dancer having missed almost every school dance for years and always being the odd one out at the few he did go to. But that really didn't matter. It wasn't that kind of club. As long as he could shuffle a little and was willing to get close to strangers, he would be just fine. His brain wasn't thrilled with being so vulnerable in a crowd but it let him as long as Tobias was within reach. Tobias was an even worse dancer but he was a hot girl so it didn't really matter.

Tobias caught a cute brunette's eye and the pair of them were brought over to a booth of women in their twenties. Tobias was shy at first but was soon easily sharing Cosmos like he was born for it. Marco met them all drink for drink and was very quickly becoming drunk off his ass.

One of the girls, a gorgeous Eastern European model, had sort of snuggled up to Marco. Marco at first hoped she was into him but it turned out he looked a lot like her younger brother and kept petting his hair. Marco allowed it but his shoulders tensed.

The girl pouted. "The little one is not having any fun. We should find him a pretty boy. Jane, where's Ben tonight? Wouldn't he be so cute with Ben?"

Jane - the brunette who was practically in Tobias' lap - shook her head. "He's got a boyfriend now. He's a firefighter but like not one of the cute ones."

Jane traced her finger down Tobias' nose. "You don't have a secret boyfriend I have to worry about, do you?"

Marco had the sudden image of Rachel seeing them together and the scene turning into a cartoon dust storm as Rachel took out her competition.

Marco laughed almost dirtily. "No, but her ex would rip your arms off if you looked at her twice. Body builder. She could bench both of us in one go."

Tobias shot Marco a dirty look and Jane slipped away from him.

"Don't bother setting him up," Tobias commented. "He's the one with a secret boyfriend. So secret even the guy doesn't know they're dating, despite the fact Marco is madly in love with him."

One of the other women giggled. "I've been there. I have a whole journal of love letters to Gillian Anderson and self-insert X-Files fanfiction."

Her girlfriend laughed. "I've read it, it's pretty good."

"Toni," Marco said sweetly. "Why don't we buy all these nice girls another round?"

Tobias grabbed Marco's wallet and headed to the bar. Marco eased away from his drunken older sister and followed Tobias over to the bar. Once they were there, Tobias hissed, "What the hell was that, Marco?"

Marco shrugged and the motion made him feel dizzy. "You were the one who didn't want to lead anyone on. Just giving your new arm candy a warning about the sort of thing you're into. What was with your unrequited love bull about me? I don't even know how that was a dig at me. You gotta work on your insults, you got to work on a good catty burn, man."

Tobias looked confused. "You really don't...never mind. Marco, how much have you had to drink?"

Marco looked at his fingers. "I lost count of how many. I think more than this."

Tobias sighed. "Okay, sit down. Order a glass of water and pay off the tab. I've got to go change and then we'll go. Can you stay out of trouble for ten minutes?"

Tobias didn't wait for Marco to confirm he would do any of that. Which was probably a good thing as it took Marco a whole minute to process what had just happened.

Longer still to figure out what Tobias had meant about his secret boyfriend. What boyfriend? He barely talked to anyone who wasn't related to him. Jake? Nope, not him. Tobias? Not a boy and definitely not into him. So Ax? Now that was funny. Real funny. Ax was cute, sure, and he was good company. And they had been sort of cuddling lately but Ax was going through a tactile phase and Marco was depressed so he didn't mind. And there was the whole Ax not wanting to go and Marco not wanting him to leave will he or won't he ask him to stay thing going on but it didn't mean anything. They were all close, friendship forged in the fires of war and all that shit. It didn't mean anything. Tobias was screwing with him because Marco had made a joke about Rachel, sure, but Tobias was usually better at cutting deep when he wanted to.

Or maybe this was all a ruse so Marco would be entertained and not cause trouble while Tobias did all the morphing? Maybe...or maybe...

Marco stopped his train of thought before he fell off the stool. A guy sat down beside him and Marco barely registered he was checking him out.

"You doing okay there, sailor?" The guy asked.

Marco whispered to himself, "Shit, I'm in love with Ax."

"Sorry, did you say you want to dance?"

Marco laughed. "Dude, there is nothing I want to do less. No offense. Now, if you'll excuse me and lend me a quarter, I'd like to go make a massive mistake."


	27. Tobias

**CN: mention of past childhood abuse, anxiety attack  
**

Tobias woke to the sound of Marco puking. He considered ignoring it but finally called out, <Marco, are you still alive?>

Marco called out pitifully, "Yeah."

<You going to be okay by eleven?>

Marco groaned, "What time is it now?"

<Quarter after nine. If you're still sick, we can go another time.>

"I'm just going to suffer a few more minutes to remember why I don't drink then I'll morph and reset. You're not getting off that easy, missy."

_____________________

They walked down the street, Marco taking Tobias' hand in his. They weren't really close enough for the whole platonic handholding thing and Tobias suspected he was making sure he didn't run off. Which honestly was what he needed Marco for.

They entered the bookstore, running almost straight into a bulletin board full with flyers about queer and trans events and groups. Just stepping past the entrance, Tobias could see was a comfortable coffee house with aisles and aisles of bookshelves just past the tables and couches.

"Upstairs, right?" Marco asked.

Tobias started hyperventilating. "I can't do this."

Marco gripped his arm and whispered in his ear, "You can. I know you can. I'm going to be right here. You can use thought-speech since this is a morph, right? Yell for me and I'll come save you. You're going to be okay."

Tobias closed his eyes, trying to stop panicking. Marco led him to a couch and asked a waiter for a glass of water. Tobias drank it slowly, still shivering. Marco kept his hand on his shoulder, encouraging him to breathe.

"You alright there, hun?"

Tobias looked up and saw a transwoman in her mid-fifties. She had short-cropped blonde hair, warm brown eyes, and a gentle smile. She was leaning down to speak to him, resting her hands just above her knees. She wore a floral dress and a jean jacket covered in buttons declaring to the world that she was a trans lesbian and that no, she didn't feel like shaving her legs.

Tobias was a little infatuated.

Marco explained, "My friend here is having a little trouble getting up the nerve to head to the support group upstairs. You wouldn't happen to be heading up that way, would you, ma'am?"

She laughed. "Ma'am? Boy, it feels like yesterday I was as young and pretty as you. You hold on to that as long as you can. You happen to be in luck though. I'm the facilitator. My name is Stacie. What's yours, sweetheart?"

Marco gestured to himself. "Marco. And this is my friend, Tobias. Though we were testing out Toni yesterday. I never asked, Hawkeye, you still trying Toni today?"

This was enough to snap him back to reality. "No, I think Tobias is okay today."

Stacie rose and offered out her hand. "Come and just listen. You don't have to say a word if you don't want. But it might help."

Tobias hesitated, looking back to Marco. Marco grinned at him and gave a nod.

"I'll be right here, running up a tab for you," Marco assured. "Go have fun with the other girls."

Stacie led him upstairs, keeping his arm in hers. "He's trouble, your boyfriend. I imagine you've got him wrapped around your finger. You'd have to."

Tobias laughed. "He's just a friend, but you're right. He's trouble."

They entered the room, a lounge with a TV, a N64, two couches and a bunch of fold up chairs against the wall. Tobias helped Stacie set up for the meeting and played the first level of Pokémon Snap while she greeted others coming in. Tobias kept playing, TV muted, as the participants made a circle. Stacie came over and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you ready?"

He wasn't, but he rose anyways and came to sit beside her. She patted his hand and began her introductions and check in. Tobias stayed silent as the others gave their names and how they were feeling that day. When it came for his turn, Tobias felt paralyzed. He looked to Stacie who nodded with a smile and continued.

Tobias listened as a dozen women, from sixteen to sixty, talked about their daily lives. The highlights, the struggles, the community. There were a few laughs, a few tears, and soon the hour was drawing to a close. Stacie looked over to Tobias and put her hand on his.

"Sweetheart, I know you weren't ready to check in but if you'd like to say anything, I'd like to give you the opportunity to do so now. How do you feel, Tobias?"

Tobias looked around the circle, the women smiling at him kindly. For the first time in his life, he felt the same power he did as Taylor in his own body. They were complete strangers who could see him as he really was and the intensity of that understanding felt like it might tear him in two.

He smiled, tears running silently down his cheeks. He just nodded, unable to say anything but "Thank you."

When the group ended, Tobias went back to his game, too overwhelmed to say a full goodbye to the other women. Once everyone else had left, Stacie sat down on the floor beside him.

"Why don't you and I have a quick lunch downstairs?" Stacie offered. "We don't have to talk about any of the big stuff if you don't want to but I don't like any of my people leaving any one dropped like that."

Tobias nodded. "Okay."

They went back to the cafe and Stacie ordered them coffee and sandwiches. Tobias went to the washroom to remorph and then went to check in with Marco. Marco was on a couch, deep into a paperback titled _This Bridge Called My Back_. Three empty mugs surrounded the remnants of a grilled cheese sandwich and half a pickle.

Stacie came over to them. "If you're not going to eat that, I dibs it. You want to go to the back reading room? Your friend and I are going to have lunch and chat and I don't want you eavesdropping."

Marco offered the pickle. "All yours. Toby, you okay still? You uh took your shot?"

"Diabetes," Tobias explained. "Yeah, I'm good. I'll come get you soon."

Marco took his book, now slightly greasy, and went off to the reading room. Stacie cleared the dishes to the side and patted the couch beside her. A waiter brought them two ham and swiss sandwiches with garden salad and two cups of black coffee.

"I've got to head back to work soon so I just ordered the fastest thing. You don't keep kosher, do you, because I am very happy to eat them both."

Tobias shook his head. "No, it's perfect."

Stacie took a bite out of her sandwich and held her hand in front of her mouth while she chewed. "So, what did you think? Worth coming?"

Tobias poked a tomato with his fork, looking down at his plate. "Yeah. Sorry about not talking. And you know, crying."

"Our circle is to talk about our lives. Sometimes life is worth crying about. I have a feeling you know that already," she said. "Our sisters sometimes live very short lives, very unhappy ones, but it is better to share that burden. There is so much healing just in hearing that you're not alone."

Tobias admitted, "Listening to everyone...like when that one girl told about getting her first manicure and getting really excited...once I painted my nails when I was like eight and my uncle made me take it off with bleach. Like hearing her being so happy to get to do that...is that weird? That's the thing I took away? People were talking about marriage and holding down jobs but I just keep thinking about that..."

Stacie said softly, "There's nothing weird about it. Did that happen often?"

Tobias confided, "Yeah...it was almost like people could smell it on me, that I was different. Kids bullied me...a lot, actually. My aunt called me a loser, an idiot and...other stuff. My uncle thought I was a sissy and wanted to toughen me up. For awhile, he gave up on me by the time I was ten. Then they shuffled me between them, complaining when it was their turn to take me. I had a cat, Dude. He lived with my aunt because my uncle hated him. He used to always threaten he'd get rid of him if I didn't shut up. I never really talked to him, just I couldn't say anything, you know..."

Tobias closed his eyes. "I left home when I was thirteen and I've had to make it on my own since then. I...I thought it would get easier but I was really alone except for...I...I had a girlfriend. We were together for two years. She...she died, a month ago. And I haven't been able to shake this feeling that I was willing to be a boy for her and without her...without her there's only this tiny piece of me that barely survived everything and now just can't shut up."

Tobias opened his eyes and, at not being able to read Stacie's expression, immediately apologized, "I'm sorry, you didn't need to hear all that. I don't know why I said all of that. I'm sorry, you were just trying to be nice."

Stacie asked gently, "Are you still homeless?"

Tobias shook his head. "No. I found my birth mother a few months ago and I've been living with her. She's been really great to me. I just came into town to figure things out. Marco met me here. I'm pretty sure he's been ordered to drag me back home."

"Does she know about everything you went through?"

Tobias replied, "Mostly. She knows about the bullying and the abuse and about...her. I haven't talked to anyone but Marco about being a girl. But I think Loren would be okay with it. I think she'd get it. I just wanted to be sure before I said anything."

Tobias gave a weak smile. "I'm okay, Stacie. I am."

Stacie said, "You know, sometimes I find we fall apart when we finally feel safe to do so. If you're feeling that this is the time to take this journey, it probably is. Listen to what that tiny piece of you has to say. It was important enough that you kept it safe through hell itself. Honour it."

Stacie's watch beeped at her and she sighed. "I've got to go. I've been late twice this week and I can't push it again. I'm going to give you my email address. I'm running an arts workshop this weekend on choosing new names and new narratives. I want you to come if you can. And I'll give you my private phone number too in case you need to go back home sooner than that."

She wrote both on a napkin and gave them to him. "Will you be okay?"

Tobias nodded. "I will be."

"Call me anytime. I mean that. You've got a whole community here. You reach out and we'll all reach back."

Stacie hugged him and said, "Take good care, Tobias."

Tobias watched her leave and then went back to find Marco. He was alone in the reading room and he put down his book at hearing Tobias' footsteps.

"How'd it all go?" Marco asked.

Tobias wanted so badly for it to be Rachel asking him that question. He wanted to tell her this revelation and for her to smile cockily at him and bring him into her arms. She'd kiss him and say she always knew she was gay and they would laugh. She would kiss him again and again until they were in that small bubble of happiness that kept them sane throughout the war.

But instead he had Marco and Marco was trying.

"I'm transgender," Tobias confessed. "I'm a girl."

Marco rose to his feet and hugged him tightly. They stood like that for a while, Tobias worried she'd start crying again once he let go. Tobias half-expected him to not say anything but eventually Marco murmured, "Good for you."

_____________________

Marco packed for both of them, letting Tobias nervously hop around the room.

Marco asked, "So I was reading some Trans 101 stuff the barista recommended to me so I know this is a dick thing to ask but considering you're collecting your rodent pension now...well, you going to become a female _nothlit_?"

<I think that makes the most sense,> Tobias admitted.

"How do you think you're going to do it?" Marco continued. "Ask someone if you can be their twin? Become your own mix and match girl? You're not going to be Taylor, are you? Because that would scare the shit out of me the rest of my life."

Tobias answered, <I don't know. I think I want to be my own person but I'm scared to ask Ax how he did it. I don't think he's going to understand.>

Marco sighed and leaned against the dresser. "Toby, I know he's not going to. You know how screwed up the Andalites are about gender. The best you can hope for is confused. The worst could be somewhere around puking. He loves you but he's going to be a dick. Do you want me to talk to him about it? Start explaining it?"

Tobias felt a bit of relief. <Yes, please. This is hard enough as it is, I don't want my _shorm_ to hate me when I need him the most. >

Marco promised, "I'll do my best but he's a stubborn ass when he wants to be."

<Lucky for me, so are you.>

"I can be, can't I? Alright, my friend, let's go home. I'll steal one of the DeConnick's beaters around the farm and head back to the base to get Ax and teach him not to be a transphobic asshole. Hopefully I can convince him to teach you how to do the whole acquiring babes thing. I still don't know how you're going to get away with that though. Women tend to freak out when hawks swoop in and want to hold hands."

<I've actually got an idea about that but there's someone I need to ask first.>

"Leaving me on a cliffhanger? Well, you know how much I love that, you jerk."


	28. Ax

Ax had not expected to become so lonely so quickly. He did his best to keep occupied and spent his days at the Andalite compound. He trained with the cadets, most of them not much younger than him. He ran beside them, a few even joining human officers for a few laps for fun around the base. And though he hadn't planned on it, he ended up sleeping at the compound as well. It wasn't a great comfort but it was better than being in the townhouse by himself.

Ax fell easily enough into the old life, though being addressed as Prince would always remain a shock. Otherwise it was all just a preview to what his life would look like soon enough. He was a soldier. He had been born to be a soldier, destined to die as a soldier. At least it would be at a distance, shot out of the sky by an enemy, sucked into the great vacuum of space. He could fire upon his enemies now, farther away, far enough not to feel their pulse, to not feel his tail blade slice through their flesh. He had been trained in hand-to-hand combat for discipline, just as all of them were. But how many of them would ever have to use it? How many of them would feel the vibrations of life stop under their touch?

When the thoughts grew more and more persistent, more and more obsessive, he went back to the townhouse. He had been gone only two nights but it felt already as if it had been months. He morphed human and sat on Marco's bed, pulling his pillow close to his chest.

The flashbacks were easier in human form but he didn't want any of his fellow Andalites to see his coping method. They already thought - it didn't matter. His parents were upset and he was upset for them. But he didn't care about his reputation or really about Elfangor's. He just wanted the pain to ease and one racing heart was better than two.

When it got easier to breathe, Ax went into the kitchen to make a snack. He saw the answering machine's light blinking and he pressed play while he assembled his food. The first message was from Eva, asking Marco to phone her back. The next was Cassie, telling Ax that she and Jake would return to the base the next morning. The third was Eva, insisting it wasn't serious but she just wanted to hear from her son. Ax had finished putting together his meal of a toaster strudel and Eggo sandwich when the fourth message began to play.

"If this is Jake or Cassie or someone, buzz off, this message is just for Ax. Aximili. Aximillian. Aximillionaire? Ax. Good old Ax-man. God, you're adorable. I miss you so damn much, you and your stupid cute face, and I literally saw you this morning. Ax, I was waiting for you to figure out what you wanted so then I could figure out what I wanted and I realized I was being an idiot because we don't have time for that. So I'm going to say it. Right, I'm just going to say it. I want you to stay. I want you to stay for me. That's selfish and I don't care. You said you would stay if I asked so now you have to. Ax, I love you, and I'm an idiot for not knowing that until like two minutes ago. I love you, I love you - oh hey, Tobias. Yeah I was just - Tobias says hi. I've got to go now. I'll see you in a few days. This is Marco, by the way."

Ax was stunned. He played the tape again, listening to a clearly intoxicated Marco's confession until he knew it word for word. Marco wouldn't have wanted him to listen to this, he would be embarrassed, maybe even deny the whole thing. And maybe it was easier for them both if he erased it.

But he couldn't unhear it, he couldn't unknow it, whatever it had meant to Marco.

There were two other messages, one from Cassie updating on when they would arrive. The last one was only from an hour beforehand and at the first syllable, Ax's heart leapt into his throat. 

"Hey Ax, it’s Marco. Listen, I'm back at the farm right now. I'll probably be at the base by dinnertime I think. Maybe earlier. Tobias is back at home now with Loren. I...I don't know why I'm leaving this. You're probably not going to get it before I get there anyways. Actually, maybe the newlyweds are back. If so, Jake, I left more condoms for you in the bathroom. I only made balloon animals out of two of them so you should be proud of my new maturity. See you soon."

Ax knew there were no such "balloon animals" but he still smiled. His nervousness started to fade. Tobias was safe at home and Marco would be back soon. It was not at all clear to Ax what would happen next. But he felt oddly optimistic, almost that same inherent peace that all Andalites are born with. A human might say he felt more like himself but this was incorrect. Ax was changing; he had already changed. And he no longer afraid of what that meant.

Ax morphed back to Andalite and turned on the TV. He sat there comfortably, drifting off until he heard the door open. He looked up excitedly, hoping Marco was home early, but instead Cassie and Jake entered the door. Jake looked exhausted but his face was more relaxed than he had seen in some time. He brought he and Cassie's things back to their room and Cassie sat down on the couch, absentmindedly scratching the fur on Ax's shoulder.  

Ax glanced up at her with a single stalk eye and noticed the telltale human expression of a person about to cry.

<Are you alright?> He asked in private thought-speech.

Cassie closed her eyes and gave a small shake of her head.

Ax looked towards her and Jake's bedroom but the door remained closed.

Cassie asked quietly, "Can we get out of here?"

_____________________

Cassie stood in the surf, staring out into the ocean. She held her arms against her chest, her pant legs rolled up. The water was high enough to dampen her cuffs but she did not move.

Ax stood beside her, his stalk eyes cast down towards the water. The noon sun was too bright but he could not bear to look at her with all of his sight. Her presence burned just as strongly.

"I've never seen this beach so empty," she said. "You think it'd be full of teens and families on a nice day like this. Though I guess I haven't seen a lot of people out having fun since...since everything." 

Cassie asked, "Do you still hate me?"

Ax shook his head. <No. I don't think I ever did. You are too important to me. You have saved my life many times over. I...if you hadn't heard me, I would have drowned. I don't know how you knew where to find me. But I've always felt...>

"Like there was already a bond between us," Cassie finished.

Ax admitted, <Sometimes I think we spoke the least together because there was so little that needed to be said. You have always protected me and I have tried to protect you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry we didn't talk more.>

Cassie closed her eyes. "I started having that dream again, the one of you stranded in the ocean. Except...except it's Jake. He's crying out to me to save him but I don't know where he is. He's just begging, almost like he's whimpering, and I feel like I'm drowning watching him."

Tears started to stream down her face and she wiped them away. "I'm sorry."

Ax hesitated before putting his hand on her shoulder. She put hers on top of his and apologized again, "I'm sorry. I'm okay. He's getting better. I saw him smile yesterday. Just a little bit. I think he's trying now. I think we might get him back."

A wave hit the beach harder, splashing them both past their knees. Ax flinched at the cold but Cassie stood just as still. It would take more than that to make her move. Ax was not surprised.

Cassie continued, brushing her hair from her face. "He's coming to Brazil with us. We're going to finish high school there while we work with the Hork-Bajir. I think it'll be good for him, getting away from here."

<When do you leave?>

"In a few months," Cassie said. "There's a lot of bureaucracy and project planning. It's good. It's going to keep me busy. I need to stay busy."

A gull flew overhead and they both looked up. Cassie smiled weakly.

"If I stay here, I'll keep looking for her," Cassie murmured. "I'll keep expecting to turn around and see her there. I'll keep thinking every time the phone rings it's her telling me it's all a mistake. I really...I really need her and I need to learn how to live without her."

<You loved her.>

Cassie agreed, "I still do. I'm always going to love her."

Ax shuffled his hoof. <Can I ask you a question?>

"Go ahead."

<What do humans mean when they say "I love you"?> Ax asked. <You, for instance, say to Jake that you love him and will say the same thing to your parents. Clearly, you do not mean the same thing and Jake understands that. So how does he know that you have romantic feelings for him? I thought at first that kissing is the difference but I see that some humans kiss their friends and family. The intensity is clearly a factor but surely that passion would be tiring to express constantly. I have seen in your television dramas that a confession of romantic love is often met by a swell of background music and physical affection. Is this to indicate that this a serious statement?>

Cassie was clearly trying not to laugh. "There are lots of different languages on Earth and they have different words for different kinds of love. In English, what we speak, you use the same phrase "I love you" for friends, family, and for romantic partners. It depends on the context."

<Then how do you understand what context it is meant in?>

Cassie glanced over at him. "Do you have a specific example?"

Ax apologized, <We are here because you are upset. I don't want to, as you would put it, "make it all about me." Please, forget I said anything.>

Cassie shook her head. "No, this is good, it's keeping my mind off things. Looking forward is better than looking back right now."

<In my culture, romantic love isn't as celebrated as it is here. Because Andalites typically only have a single child, there is little emphasis placed on sexual attraction and desire as intercourse is only needed for a short period of one's life. We admire romantic partners and desire their company, but...arousal, as you would say, is a rare event and not something we typically act on unless we are intending to procreate. We do not - er - copulate as you do to show affection.>

If Cassie's skin had been lighter, he expected she might have gone bright red but her expression remained mostly collected.

"That's not that surprising," Cassie said, her voice even and almost clinical. "Only a few types of species on Earth have sex just for pleasure."

<So they are related then among humans? Sexual attraction and romantic affection?>

"Often," Cassie agreed, "but not always."

Ax explained further, <There are some that live outside of our society. Mostly nomads, but there are communal lands exiles have claimed for themselves. They have more children and it is said that they will copulate outside of set times. Some will even do so when there is no chance for reproduction, such as...between members of the same sex. This is very taboo among Andalites and I was taught that these were deviants, not worthy of being part of our culture. Having more than one child outside of wartime is shameful. To engage in an act with no chance of procreation is vulgar. Soldiers who are found to copulate with fellow warriors are often completely shunned from society as they have placed their own selfish needs above the safety of the Andalite people. It is an act of treason. I believed in this for a long time...but then I have committed treason several times now on Earth. I no longer can believe that they are the same thing. Or...or perhaps they are. 

I see there have been many times when we have put the lives of those we care about over the collective good. And I have seen so and done so. I committed treason not solely because I wanted to protect humanity, I did so to protect all of you. I do not know if it is just growing fond of my friends, loving my friends, or if it is spending so much time in human form that is affecting my decision making so much. I am not who I was. And I do not think I want to go back to who I was. But if I acted on...on whatever it is I am feeling, then I will have changed too much to ever go home.>

"Everyone grows up, Ax," Cassie said gently. "We're all different from who we were when this started. But you can still go home again."

Ax protested, <No, no you do not understand. It is not that it would be difficult to go back to my homeworld because I have changed. It would make it impossible. It is one thing to live in a society you do not agree with, a system that is against you. I know your United States are incredibly flawed. But within it you have places you can feel safe. You have places where people meet others like them. You have groups that advocate for things to change. You are never alone, even if you feel as if you are.>

Cassie leaned forward on her arms. "Ax...this sounds a lot more personal than just disagreeing with your society's views. What's going on?"

Ax explained, "Marco left a voicemail two nights ago. He was quite intoxicated. During his rambling, he said that he loved me. I expect it is simply that his lowered inhibitions have allowed him to express friendship in a sincere way. 

"That does sound like him," Cassie agreed, "but you think he might have meant something else."

<I am...unclear of the nature of our relationship,> Ax admitted. <As of late, I find that I want more and more to be in his company in human form. My regard for him is the same in whatever morph but my...longing for him is much stronger when I am human. It is disconcerting but also pleasant in an unexpected way.>

"Pleasant?"

Ax was unsure how to explain. As an Andalite, the feeling was one of sensory comfort, like coming in from the winter into a warm room. Like cold fresh water from a river. This easing of disarray into something that was simple and soft. As a human, it felt as if he was always slightly out of breath. It felt as if he were running, not out of fear, but out of the sheer joy of being in a wide-open field. It felt as if he was caught in the rain and was too in awe of the lightning to find shelter. As an Andalite, he wanted Marco's presence, his dry wit and strategic mind. He wanted afternoons playing video games and telling funny stories. As a human, he wanted to hold him close, to press his lips against his, and say his name aloud, feeling it vibrate through him. It was desirous and sensual in a way that Ax would have thought once to be sick and perverted. Now it felt as right as breathing. Now it was as necessary as breathing.

Ax hung his head. <It is against everything I have been taught. It is against everything I should believe in. I know it is against what many of your people believe to. I would understand if you would look down on it. You are the most compassionate and understanding of my friends. If you tell me it is wrong, as Andalite or human, I will believe you.>

"Ax," Cassie said softly, "there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling and I'm sorry you're scared. A lot of the prejudices Andalites have we have too. Both our peoples have a lot to learn about acceptance. But I'm always going to be here for you, okay? It's okay to be in love with Marco."

<No> Ax interrupted, <Andalites do not experience the sort of romantic infatuation that humans do.>

"Your brother fell in love and married a human," Cassie reminded gently.

<Loren is a very exceptional human and considering that Elfangor was stranded on Earth, it only made sense for him to become human and become her reproductive mate. I am capable of going back home and expected to do so shortly. Marco is...a frustrating and immature male and there could be no positive future in a relationship with him. It would not benefit our families or genetic lineages. Elfangor made the best of a bad situation, I would be destroying my life in the most selfish, irresponsible way possible.>

"So say you went home today. You would probably be expected to get married and have kids, right? Could you do that? Would it make you happy?"

Ax tried to imagine it. He would serve in the military and continue to until either he was too old or he was killed in combat. Likely the former. He would have a Scoop near his parents and bring a young female home. A scientist perhaps or an artist like his mother. They would have a child, maybe two if the High Command decided to extend the current birth policies. He would tell stories about Earth and his children would grow bored of them after a time and he would stop telling them. His neighbours would admire him but always find him strange. His wife would love him but in that safe way his parents loved each other, always slightly aloof and slightly withdrawn. He would always long for the intense, passionate, all-consuming love that he had seen humans experience. He would always long for that deep, profound need for another. He would have friends, but they would not be those who he was so deeply entwined with. Maybe he would have a _shorm_ again one day, but he would not be the true soul mate that Tobias was. It would be easy, it would be expected, and Ax could find a happiness in it. Elfangor had done so, surely, even if his mind was always elsewhere.

Elfangor. Ax had always wanted to live a life that his brother would be proud of. Would his older brother tell him to go back to the homeworld and live as he should? No. Elfangor had not chosen to go back, he had been forced to. He would have given anything for a life with Loren and with his child. He would have abandoned everyone and everything for his new family. Even when he was dying, his thoughts lay with them. They were more important. Elfangor was no coward, no one could ever think him so. He had found something better to fight for and in the end, die for. No, Elfangor would tell him to listen to his hearts, to live to his truth.

And Ax's truth was that more than anything he wanted to be home but there was no home for him without Marco. It would be shallow, it would be lonely, and Ax would never be truly happy again. Was that what it meant to be in love? If it was, then he pitied all in the human race who had experienced it. He felt closer to Cassie in that moment, to understand that she felt so strongly and that it would destroy her just as surely as it would destroy him.

<Will going to Brazil make you happy?> Ax asked.

Cassie admitted, "I don't know. But I have to try."

Ax murmured, <You have always been the bravest one of us.>

Cassie shook her head. "No, no Rachel was the brave one. I'm just the last one standing. I was always meant to be a sole survivor."

Ax was not sure what she meant but it felt right to him. She endured. She always endured. She was a being designed to survive the end of the world and beyond it. She was one of the few creatures he had ever met who seemed to realize that she was made of pure carbon.

They walked down the beach until a human and their dog came into their vision. They morphed and flew back to the townhouse where Jake was once again in front of the TV. But instead of the 24 news channels, he was watching a nature documentary about koalas.

Jake glanced at them coming in the door and asked, "Do you remember when we were there in Australia? That was weird, right? We never talk about that."

Cassie smiled and Ax felt her joy radiate through him. He excused himself and went back to his bedroom. He was shocked to see Marco on the bed, Game Boy in hand, his face scrunched up in concentration.

<You weren't supposed to be here this early.>

"Early? Wheel of Fortune's almost on," Marco commented. "You and Cassie had a really long date. I thought the two of you went off and eloped. Not that I'm complaining. A lot of Pokémon games came out while we were saving the world. I'm finally getting time to catch up."

Ax was unsure what to say. He morphed human and sat down beside him. Marco saved his game and shuffled over to him, putting his head against his shoulder.

Marco admitted, "I missed you. I think I phoned you drunk off my ass at one point. I hope I didn't say anything too embarrassing. You'd tell me if I did, right?"

Ax started to speak but the words fell away. Marco seemed to not notice and just continued, "Look, there's something we need to talk about and I don't think this is the right place or time or anything. Tobias wants to see you and I was hoping we could head back home tomorrow. Maybe we can talk during the drive, I guess. But I just really want to hang out tonight. Is that okay?"

Ax was reluctant to let it wait but he was too nervous to push the subject. "Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took so long to get out because there were I think six different versions of that voicemail. My actual favourite was one where Ax actually picked up the phone (I actually wrote that scene back in early September!) but by the time I got to it chronologically that didn't work anymore. Anyways, finally, this is the one and hopefully it was worth the wait. Also, here have some Andalite society headcanons, enjoy. Next Chapter TOBIAS COMES OUT!!!


	29. Tobias

Tobias was sure it wasn't possible, but it felt like Marco was still hungover on the bus ride home. Marco had fallen asleep, snoring into her ear. Tobias had gently pushed him aside twice but he still ended up cuddling into her. Eventually she gave up and absentmindedly stroked his hair.

Marco happily hummed in his sleep and Tobias forgave him invading her space. He was sweet in his own way, not that she would ever say it to his face. He'd probably be offended anyways.

Marco woke up when Tobias went to remorph and he was still yawning when she returned to sit down beside him.

"So what are you going to tell Ax?" Tobias asked.

Marco answered sleepily, "I dunno. I'll say you're a girl, he'll be a jerk, I'll tell him he's being a jerk, then he'll be pouty until he sees you, remember that he loves you and then my job will be done."

"No, I meant...you were whimpering his name in your sleep. Again."

Marco grumbled, "Can't a guy have war flashbacks in peace?"

"And I heard the last bit of that voicemail you left. You know, the one where you told him you loved him at least twice?"

"Aw, shit, don't tell me that," Marco groaned. "I hoped that was a nightmare too. I don't want to have two Big Conversations tomorrow. Tell you what, I'll deal with the Trans 101 thing first and then I'll apologize for being a drunken idiot."

Tobias looked out the window. "Don't apologize to him. Tell him the truth."

Marco yawned and rested his head back on her shoulder. "Yeah, I'm not arguing about this on a Greyhound with you. Wake me up when we get home."

Tobias turned back to speak but he was already asleep.

_____________________

Marco was in the other room, entertaining Champ, while Tobias sat down with her mother. They both held a cup of tea in their hands, looking over at the other. Loren had held her so tight and Tobias had been so grateful to be with her again. She had thought the words would just tumble out but instead she found herself unable to say anything at all.

Finally Loren said softly, "If it's too early to come home then-"

"No," Tobias interrupted. "It's not that. I'm glad to be here. I am. I just...I just don't know how to say this."

There was another long silence before Tobias managed to whisper the truth, a series of near silent confessions hanging in the space between them. _I would rather die as a hawk than live as a boy. I'm transgender. I'm a lesbian. I want you to love me._

Loren got up from her chair and hugged Tobias. Loren was smiling, crying but beaming with joy. She kissed both of Tobias' cheeks and held her at arm's length.

"How did I ever deserve such a brave and wonderful daughter?" Loren asked, cupping her face in her hands. "Thank you, love, thank you for trusting me."

Tobias broke into sobs, trying to ask if she really was okay with it but she found that she was unable to speak further. Loren cradled her as if she were a child and it only made Tobias cry harder. She cried for everything and fell apart in her mother's arms, grateful that she held her upright.

Loren murmured, "You're home and you're safe. You take all the time you need and then we'll talk more about it. There's no rush for anything. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

_____________________

Loren left soon for her night shift, arriving back at the apartment past midnight. Tobias woke briefly at the sound of her footsteps but at hearing her greet Champ relaxed once again. Loren would end up leaving early for an early morning shift before he woke up again but she left a paper bag on the kitchen table, the top folded over and Tobias' name written on the side.

Inside were a long blue sundress and a baby name book. Tobias pulled out the dress and held it to her. It wasn't good fit now in Taylor's body, but at least it was something to wear when she bought new clothes later. The baby name book had plastic sticky notes throughout and Tobias smiled as she flipped through it, looking at the names that Loren had suggested.

Tobias took Champ for a walk and cleaned the apartment. She went out for another hunt and returned to find her mother heating up a late lunch. Tobias swooped into the kitchen and rested on a chair.

Loren yawned. "Hey, love. Sorry we keep missing each other. If I had known you were coming home, I'd never have taken back-to-back shifts. You doing okay?"

<Just fine. Thank you for the book and the dress.>

"Not a problem. We have a Free Market at work and I thought you might like them both. It was fun flipping through the baby name book between calls. I don't remember naming you so I'm glad I get to help out this time."

<I'm going back and forth on a few. I might test them out for a few days before I commit to anything.>

Loren sat down across from her with a coffee and leftover slice of lasagna. She was clearly exhausted and Tobias knew she should tell her to go get some sleep but selfishly she wanted to keep talking to her forever.

"Marco's coming back today, right?" Loren asked.

<Yeah. I don't know how long he and Ax are going to stay though. They might go back to the farm after or...honestly, I don't know. I don't think Ax is going to take it well.>

Loren nodded sympathetically. "A lot of transfolks get that from their family. We have a lot of girls, not much older than you, phoning in and talking about it. It breaks my heart every single time. But he's your - what did you call it - _shorm_. That's kind of like a soul mate, right? It might take him awhile but I know he loves you."

Tobias admitted, <I need his help. There's this thing that Andalites can do where they take DNA from multiple people and make their own unique morph. I don't want to live as Taylor but I also want to look a little like me. Not that I think I'm that cute or anything but...I want to still feel a little like the guy that Rachel was in love with. And...and I still want to look like your kid. This is my first time doing the whole family thing and I just want it to work.>

Loren smiled softly. "Toby, you're always going to be my kid and Rachel would have loved you no matter what. I think I understand though. You don't want to be someone else. You want to be you. How many people do you need for this procedure?"

<When Ax did it, he used four and he said he made a male form because that's what he was. I was hoping to merge my human DNA with a woman's and then I could just kinda augment what I already look like. I was hoping...I was hoping I could ask you. I'm already fifty percent you. I thought it would be the closest. I'm sorry, I know that's a lot, but I just->

Loren offered out her hand. "I'd be honoured, love."

Tobias hopped over to her chair and reached out a talon. Loren softened under her touch, slipping into the acquiring trance. When she stirred again, she looked younger and vulnerable, just for a moment. Then she recovered and smiled.

"I'm going to go have a nap," she said, yawning. "Will you be okay out here?"

Tobias agreed, <Yes. Thank you, Loren. Thank you.>

She gave her head a scratch and went off to her bedroom. Tobias flew over to the couch and turned on the TV. She could go for another flight but she was too nervous. She didn't want to miss Ax and Marco's arrival and it couldn't be long now.

Tobias went Taylor and Champ jumped up to the couch, snuggling beside her. Tobias ran her hand through the dog's fur as she watched some paternity show with half interest, her mind racing with possible reactions.

Maybe an hour later she heard the doorbell ring. She morphed back into her own human form and opened the door. Her eyes immediately met Ax's and she greeted him instinctively in private thought-speech, Ax doing the same.

Marco muttered, "Hello to you too. Can we come in?"

Marco looked exhausted and Tobias gestured for them both to follow her into the living room. Champ went to Marco excitedly, rubbing against his leg. Ax looked around the apartment, saying nothing. Marco flopped on the couch, turned the volume off the TV and put on the subtitles.

"Jake's still not dead," he commented. "Thought you should know. Cassie's becoming an Amazon warrior, she'd have made Xena proud. What else...oh, I told Ax about your plan and now he's acting like a big old baby about it."

Ax shot Marco a dirty look. "I am handling the situation maturely."

Marco rolled his eyes. "Definitely, so mature."

Tobias sat beside Marco, putting him between the two of them. She watched for Ax's expression but his face gave away nothing.

Marco nodded towards the TV. "The baby's not his, by the way. She's got blue eyes. That's a recessive trait."

"A lot of babies have blue eyes when they're that young," Tobias corrected. "Doesn't mean anything."

"I didn't have blue eyes as a baby."

"That's because you're Latino, Marco."

"Hey, they could be too-"

Ax snapped, "Marco, enough."

Both teens and Champ looked up at him, waiting for him to say something else.

Ax sat on Tobias' other side, resting on the arm of the couch. Marco put his arm on the back, just above Tobias' shoulders. Marco looked at Ax, raising his eyebrows, as if daring him.

"Could you give us a moment?" Ax asked, almost apologetically.

"That depends, are you going to be an asshole?" Marco retorted.

Tobias assured, "Marco, it's okay. Take Champ for a walk, maybe?"

Marco rose. "Alright but you call me when he starts being a jerk."

Ax flipped him off and Marco started laughing. He gave Ax a playful shove and winked at Tobias before calling out for Champ and heading outside.

Once they were alone, Ax shifted down beside Tobias and hugged her tightly.

"I was so worried about you," Ax confessed. "I thought I would never see you again."

"I wasn't sure I was coming back," Tobias admitted. "I needed to figure out why I didn't want to be human. Now I get it."

Ax sighed. "I know what it's like to not want to be in your body anymore but this isn't something you can come back from. What if you're wrong?"

"I'm not," Tobias insisted. "I know I need to do this. And I'll do it without you if I need to, but this is what I want."

"If you merge your DNA, you won't have this morph again," Ax warned. "And if you become a _nothlit_ , you'll never fly again. I don't want you to destroy your life."

"I'm saving my life, Ax-man," Tobias said quietly. "I don't have a lot of time left. For a while I thought that wasn't a bad thing. But I want to live and this is the only way I'm going to survive the rest of my life. I've already acquired Loren. Help me become who I was supposed to be."

"What made you decide to do this? To become female? To become..."

"Lesser?" Tobias asked angrily.

Ax shook his head and murmured, "No. Maybe once I would have thought that but it was wrong. I was wrong about so many things. I don't understand but I don't need to. You are my _shorm_. I would do anything you asked me to. I would do anything to save your life. Marco told me if you did not do this, you would die."

Tobias agreed quietly, "Probably, yeah."

Ax took her hand in his. "Promise me you won't leave me again."

"I promise," Tobias swore. "I'm not running anymore, Ax."

Ax stood from the couch and helped her to her feet. They went into Tobias' bedroom where Ax demorphed and sat awkwardly on the floor. Tobias shifted into hawk and flew to the ground. She looked up expectantly at him.

Ax hesitated. <Will you wait to become a _nothlit_ at least? A week. Just to be sure. >

Tobias conceded, <A week. I can do that.>

<Then let's start. Picture your human body and picture that of your mother's. You will need to visualize the pieces of each to form them together. You will have to go deep into meditation to do this. It is easy for an Andalite but it will be more difficult for you. It may take several hours or mere minutes. It is hard to know.>

Tobias closed her eyes. She thought of her experience as a human. She thought of sitting on the floor of her uncle's apartment, playing with plastic dinosaur toys while Dude napped beside her. She thought of the first time she ever saw Rachel, across the hallway, flashing her bright smile at a cute boy just in front of him. She thought of thrift store shopping, looking at a lovely floral dress longingly and not being able to explain why. She thought of eating in the food court with her friends, watching Ax attempt to finish a tray of nachos in sixty seconds. She thought of the first time she and Rachel had fallen into bed together. She thought of flying but shifted back into thought about sitting on the beach in Tofino. She had a sudden image of flying again but this time she was sitting in the cockpit of a plane in a flight suit, her hands gripping the controls of a jet.

That turned into a different series of images. Possibilities. Tobias finishing high school in a new city with new faces and new chances. Tobias dancing with a beautiful girl at a club, her sly smile revealing how much she wanted her. Returning to Tofino and learning to surf. Going swimming in a bikini. Learning to fly a plane and returning to the sky. Volunteering at a raptor sanctuary, taking up falconry. College. An older Marco driving a vintage convertible with Ax in the front and Tobias with a girlfriend in the back. Cassie and Jake's wedding. Their first kid. Tobias' first apartment, the top floor of an old building with massive cracked windows. Sitting with her mother on a dock on a lazy river. Loren holding her hand as they laughed to some old inside joke. Getting her first period and hating every minute of it.

And Rachel. Rachel older, softer. Rachel with her sisters as they grew up. Rachel in the cockpit of the plane beside her. Rachel with cute aviators and jean jackets. Rachel in San Francisco, returning with her back to the bookstore. Rachel dancing. Rachel kissing her, Rachel holding her and never letting go.

Tobias felt tears run down her face and realized she was no longer a hawk. She opened her eyes and looked across the room at the mirror on her closet door. She rose, putting a hand to her mouth. She saw her body for the first time, naked as a jaybird, and she couldn't stop smiling.

Ax offered her the sundress and she pressed it to her chest, knowing she should dress but unable to look away.

"Thank you," she whispered, rejoicing at the sound of her voice. "Thank you, Ax."

He helped her into the dress, her hands shaking too much to tie the sash around it. Then he offered his hand and said softly, <They're waiting for you.>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've seen crossovers where Tobias grows up to be Hawkeye and while I love that, clearly Tobias is Carol Danvers. 
> 
> I can't manage pronouns for the life of me (like seriously, any gender of pronouns) but I really care if I mess hers up so please let me know. Fun learning disability. That's also why Ax doesn't talk in Puh-leez instead of Please because my brain can't do that. 
> 
> Loren is also the best Social Worker because I do what I want.


	30. Marco

Marco and Loren stood on the rooftop of her building. Loren was smoking and Marco took the odd puff from her cigarette, coughing every time.

"I don't normally do this," Loren admitted. "Only special, stressful occasions."

The sun was starting to dip in the sky. They had been up there for nearly two hours, wanting to give Tobias and Ax as much space as they could. Loren had snuck down at one point to bring them both sandwiches and coffee and lawn chairs. Champ had taken over one of them, the chair nearly sagging to the ground with his weight.

Marco heard Ax's voice call out, <She's ready.>

Marco took Loren's cigarette and stubbed it out. He held her hand.

"Ready to meet your daughter?" He asked.

Loren took a deep breath and nodded. They stood there anxiously, waiting for them to reach the top of the stairs. The door released and Ax walked out first, holding it open for Tobias.

A teenage girl walked out nervously. She was barefoot and wearing a dress that was at least two sizes too big. She was taller than Marco but she really wasn't that tall, maybe 5'8" or so. Slender but there was still a slight curve to her hips. She wasn't exactly flat chested but she could definitely get away without wearing a bra. Not that Marco was looking, of course. Her face was oval, her cheekbones soft. Her eyes were a light brown and shaped just like her mother's, as was the high-bridged slope of her nose and her slightly heart shaped lips. Her hair was strawberry blonde, straight as a pin, and hung just past her shoulders.

In short, she was a stone cold fox but she still looked like Tobias. It was weird to look at, really, but Marco had always thought Tobias was cute to begin with.

Loren held her at arm's length and laughed, "I was never that beautiful. That must all be from Elfangor."

Tobias grinned and giggled. A giggle, a real girly giggle. It was adorable.

Damn it, he was getting a crush on Tobias. That was awkward.

"You look good," Marco commented. "How does it feel?"

Tobias answered happily, "Like I can breathe."

Marco smiled as Loren took Tobias' arm and the mother and daughter went back inside, chatting excitedly about the weeks ahead. Marco went to go back inside but Ax touched his arm.

"Can we talk?"

Marco's chest tightened. He was hoping he was going to get away with this longer but Ax had always been a guy who got down to business.

"I have thought a lot about this," Ax said softly. "I'm going to stay on Earth. I need to. I do not want to live a life continuously missing you but if I return to my people, it is the only life I will ever know. Marco...Marco, I believe I am in love with you and I believe you might feel the same for me. If you do not, I will understand. I know it is against the customs of your people and I know that you might have to give up as much as I will. I do not know if I am worth that to you."

Marco had been so fixated on losing Ax to his homeworld that he hadn't even considered what it would mean if he stayed. 

Marco let go, trembling. "Ax...Ax, I can't. Everything I did in the war was to get my mother back alive. My family's Catholic. Even if you were just a regular guy, most of them would ever speak to me again. You being an alien...well, maybe that would actually make it better but not a lot. You wouldn't be swapping your family for mine. We'd both be walking away. It's not going to be like you think it's going to. You're not getting a happy ending with me."

"Neither of us is naive enough to believe in happy endings," Ax said. "We have already survived our worst days together. I can face what better days are on offer. There is nothing you can say that will change how I feel. Even if you hadn't asked me, I would stay here regardless. My home is with you. Even if you do not want me. Even if you do not love me."

Marco whispered, "I can't lose her, Ax. I can't lose my Mom."

"But do you love me?"

Marco pleaded, "Don't make me say it, not when I'm blowing you off. This is too melodramatic as it is and that's not like us. So...so maybe we should just..."

Ax begged, "But do you love me?"

Marco couldn't stand the heartbreak in Ax's eyes. So he brought him into his arms and kissed him. Ax melted into his touch and Marco was overwhelmed by the taste of him, the softness of his mouth and the smell of his skin. He had kissed a few girls before. Hell, he had even kissed Jake before as a dare. But this was something beyond his understanding. It was better than anything he had ever imagined before.

Marco pressed his cheek to his and whispered, "I love you."

Ax kissed him again, this time harder and hungrier. Marco gasped into his mouth.

"Okay," Marco panted, "how are you so good at that?"

Ax answered him with another kiss and Marco stumbled, finding his way to the wall so Ax could press him against it. The logical part of his brain was telling him they should ease up. They were sixteen, hormonal, and high off admitting their feelings. This wasn't the time to start making decisions about what their physical relationship was going to look like.

Ax groaned into his neck as he kissed down to his collarbone, sending a shiver down his spine. Ax kissed his lips again, his hand on his hip, pulling him close to him.

On the other hand, Marco was only going to be young and stupid once and he wanted to see what else Ax could do with that mouth.

Marco broke the kiss to whisper breathlessly, "Do you want to get out of here?"

Ax grazed his cheek with his teeth. "Only if I can keep tasting you."

Marco was half sure he was about to get eaten alive, but what a way to go.

_____________________

A brief pit stop at a convenience store later and they were alone at the beach just before midnight. It had started to rain and they cuddled together in the back of the beater Marco had borrowed from the farm. By cuddling, Marco meant that they had been barely able to keep their hands off each other long enough for Marco to drive without causing an accident. The rain was growing heavier now, pouring down the steamed up windows, sheltering them from the world around them.

Ax pulled their blanket tighter around them. "Are you alright?"

Marco realized he was shaking like a leaf. He was entangled with him, closer than he had ever been to anyone. It occurred to him that this was really about to happen. This was weird on so many levels. For one, this wasn't Marco's truck and he was rolling around half-naked in it. Then of course he was making out with the freakishly beautiful alien boy who was basically a first cousin DNA wise. And who he was about to lose his virginity to. So, you know, kinky gay alien deflowering in the back of a stolen pick up on the beach during a downpour, just a regular Thursday.

"I'm scared," Marco admitted.

Ax murmured, "Me too."

Marco kissed him again and each time Marco felt overwhelmed, he kissed him again, anchoring himself to that moment with Ax. Everything before, everything after, none of that mattered. His heart raced so fast he thought it might kill him but he didn't care. He couldn't stop touching him, couldn't stop holding him. He was so in love and he dived into the chaos of it, not caring if he ever came up for air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a fic I saw ages ago and I can't remember it but it described Marco as being very excited his boyfriend had an oral fixation and it cracked me up. Wherever you are, writer, thank you for this inspiration.
> 
> Also, sadly didn't make it into this chapter but pining-love sick Marco listens to a lot of Selena.


	31. Cassie & Jake

Cassie brought them back to the farm. She wanted to be closer to the Hork-Bajir during the planning stages and she knew she needed to get Jake off base. Her parents were around more often, figuring out the logistics of selling off their home and moving to another continent. But they still gave them space enough. Cassie hadn't told them about being married but they seemed to understand that something had changed between them and let it rest.

Jake was getting better. He'd sleep at least a few hours a night and he wasn't always watching TV during his waking hours. He even started going on walks with her around the property. Only short strolls but at least he was going outside. Cassie knew this didn't mean he was fixed. He was still going through hell. But at least he was turning to her. At least he wasn't always alone.

Cassie was doing dishes when she heard the doorbell ring. She dried her hands, waiting for Jake to answer but by the time the visitors started knocking, she realized he wasn't coming. 

Cassie opened the door to see a shockingly cheerful Marco. Cassie invited him in, hearing Jake finally coming down the stairs.

"Hope I'm not intruding too much," Marco greeted. "Ax's just around the back having a snack. We were just hoping to pick up our stuff." 

Cassie asked, "Are you going to Miami already?" 

Marco smiled almost shyly. "Well, soon. I need to talk to my parents before I fully move out there. I wanted to see you both before I went. I'll probably be back before you head to Brazil but just in case, right?"

Jake asked, "How long can you stay?"

Both Cassie and Marco looked at him, slightly shocked.

"The afternoon at least," Marco said. "If you're up for company."

Jake gave a weak smile. "You hungry? I'll make us some lunch."

He headed into the kitchen and Cassie and Marco went into the living room. They flopped onto the couch beside each other.

"He looks...almost human," Marco commented.

Cassie shook her head. "Let's not talk about him. I want to hear what happened with Ax. Did he talk to you?"

Marco grinned, but looked away as if embarrassed. "Yeah. Well, we ended up doing a bit more than just talking."

Cassie's eyes widened. "You two...really? Like actually...?"

"I can go into detail if you want. It only seems fair. I got to hear all the details of your first time, now you get to hear about mine."

Cassie covered her face with her hand and groaned. "Fiiiine."

Marco teased, "No, I won't do that to you. It was nice. It was...well..."

Marco started blushing and Cassie grinned, throwing a pillow at him. "Who's the romantic now? Did you cry? Did you confess undying love to each other?" 

Marco threw it back at her. "I don't kiss and tell."

Ax entered the room in human morph and asked, "Are you discussing our intercourse? If that is the case, Marco did in fact cry. But I did as well."

Marco stuck his tongue out at him and Ax sat beside him, pulling him into his lap. Marco rested his head against his chest, closing his eyes.

Cassie's chest tightened at the sight. It was good to see them both happy. Strange, but the best sort of strange. It was young love, new love, and the pair of them seemed to forget that Cassie was even there when they were together.

Jake came back into the room with sandwiches. He kissed Cassie's cheek before sitting across from her in his favorite armchair. He looked over at Marco and Ax and visibly jumped in his seat.

"Right," Marco remembered, "you weren't here for that part. Yeah, I'm super bisexual. Ax and I are dating. He's staying on Earth, probably as a human."

"Definitely as a human," Ax stressed.

"We'll see," Marco said. "Oh and Tobias turned out to be a girl. She's becoming a _nothlit_ combo of her original DNA and Loren's. She's super cute. Like I'm a little torn about how cute she is now that I'm dating her uncle."

Ax added, "She is much happier in her body now."

Jake blinked a few times, processing all of this information. Marco was obviously trying not to laugh at his friend's expense.

Jake finally said, "That's good. Good for all three of you. I'm glad you've all figured all these things out. Ax-man, I'm really glad you're staying. We all really would have missed you. It must have been a hard choice to make."

Ax replied, "It would have been harder to leave." 

Jake nodded. "Yeah, yeah I get that."

Cassie looked over at Jake, wondering what he meant. He gave her a weak smile before grabbing a sandwich and a soda. She did the same, trying not to dwell on the new pain in his eyes.

_____________________

Ax and Marco stayed for a few hours. Ax packed up their things and Marco retreated with Jake to the barn. Jake brought them both a cold beer and they sat in a hay pile together near silently.

"You ever have a crush on me?" Jake finally asked.

Marco admitted, "I'm sure at some point. I had a crush on pretty much everyone one time or another. It's my way. I'm just surprised the one on Ax stuck. Good surprise. He's...he's really something."

"So...how do you two...umm..."

Marco said, "If I didn't think you'd faint, I'd tell you how the sex works. But I know you. You're better off not knowing. We'll just say that Ax's...enthusiasm for putting things in his mouth doesn't stop at cigarette butts."

Jake shuddered and took another drink. "That's an image I didn't need."

Marco reminded, "You asked."

After another long silence, Marco commented, "You're not ready for Brazil, are you? You just going along with it because you don't want to leave Cassie, right? I don't blame you. She's the best thing you got going for you."

"What else am I going to do?" Jake asked quietly. "I can't stay here forever."

"It doesn't have to be here," Marco offered. "Come to Miami with the rest of us. Go see a shrink for awhile. Then when you're ready, then you go get her. Because, Jake, if you go like this, you're going to have a breakdown. Worse than the one you're going through right now. You still get nightmares about the Amazon. You want to throw flashbacks and your survivor guilt on top of it?"

"I don't want to lose her."

"And if you keep this up, you're going to be dead," Marco insisted. "I saw the empty bottles on the way in. Maybe you've been here longer than I thought but a couple of cases over a week is a lot. I know you can morph it off but I know you're not. Cassie said you've stopped watching the news all night but I know you're not sleeping. So what are you doing? Drinking?"

Jake played with the bottle in his hand. "No. Not always. I've been driving a lot. Not while drinking, I swear. My Dad left his car at the office the day they...well, I meant to sell it but I've just been driving at night. It helps. I can sleep after. Sometimes I watch CNN when I come home but they've stopped talking about what happened. It's weird. It's been less than two months and everyone's moving on. Like it's all normal now. Like this isn't the most messed up shit that ever happened to humanity. I don't want to forget. I can't. Someone needs to remember. Someone needs to keep thinking about it. Someone needs to atone for it."

"So you're looking for justice?"

"I'm looking for it to have all meant something," Jake admitted. "It just keeps going. The war for the Hork-Bajir homeworld, all the resistance to diplomacy with the Andalites, the NYA terrorists thinking I'm sort of hero and hunting down former Controllers. Every war has the Day. The day it ends. The day the guns stop firing. But we're never going to get that. I'm trying to be okay with that but I can't. Maybe in Brazil I can move past this. Something new. Something hopeful. Something that might actually mean something."

Marco said quietly, "The war is over, Jake. There's always another one, sure, but yours is over. You ended it. That day...that day was our D-Day. The rest is just paperwork."

"You think I just need to move on?"

"I think you need to get better," Marco admitted. "I think you need to ask for help."

Jake rose to his feet, taking both of their bottles. He went to the utility sink, rinsing both of them out before throwing them into the recycling bin. Marco stood beside him, putting his hand on his shoulder. Jake put his hand over his.

"I can't," he whispered.

"Why not?" Marco asked. 

"Because I don't deserve it," Jake admitted. "I don't want someone telling me it's okay when I know it's not. I don't want someone to tell me to forgive myself when I know I shouldn't. I don't want to be just told again and again it's alright when it isn't. But I can get stronger at dealing with it. I need to. I can't leave her, Marco. I think if I lost Cassie it would kill me. You get that, don't you? You understand?"

Marco pleaded, "Come to Miami with me. Go see a therapist. Go to a support group. Start smoking pot and surfing. I don't care. Get better. Cassie can't fix you. You understand that, right? One person can't fix everything. She loves you but she deserves to be happy. Be the guy she deserves. Don't drag her down with you."

Something in Jake broke. "Marco, get out."

Marco insisted, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" Jake snapped. "You left before when it was convenient for you. You left because Tobias needed you. You left for Ax. You're supposed to be my best friend and you weren't there for me then. Why should I think you'd be there now?"

Marco pulled away and gritted his teeth. "First, I went to her because she asked for help. If I thought you were remotely willing to listen to me, I would have been there for you. And second, you hit me, remember? I was fine with it because I thought you'd get over yourself but you're being just as pissy and dramatic as you were then. I love you, Jake. I followed you into hell and back more times than I can count. We're all hurting and we're all figuring out our own way. And you know what, a year from now I'll probably go through all the same shit as you are now. But I know I'm going to fight my way through it. I want to be there for you, Jake, but you're going to need to let one of us in. Hell, you're barely even talking to your wife, just fooling around with her once in awhile and calling it a relationship. If you can't pull your head out of your ass for you, do it for her."

Jake demanded, "Get. Out."

Marco said, "If I go, I'm not coming back until you ask me to. I'm done, Jake. If you want me to leave, then I'm leaving for good."

Jake murmured, "Fine."

Marco hesitated, looking like he wanted to argue further. Instead he walked back into the house. Jake leaned against the sink, hearing Marco stomp through the kitchen angrily. Jake stayed where he was until Cassie finally came to his side, holding a plate covered in plastic wrap.

"You didn't touch your sandwich earlier," Cassie said softly. "You should eat something."

Jake put the plate down and brought her into his arms. He held her tight and buried his face into her hair. He had always loved that smell, even from afar. She used so little makeup or scents but Michelle had always insisted Cassie take care of her hair. Coconut oil had always reminded him of her. Even now when everything felt so flat, so numb, that smell brought him back.

"I should be trying harder," he admitted. "I know I should."

Cassie said nothing, just held him tighter. He picked her up and carried her back into the house, carrying her across the threshold like he should have the first time. She rested her head against his chest and he could feel her relax against him.

For her. He could hold it together for her.


	32. Tobias & Marco

Tobias and Loren went two towns over to go shopping. Tobias was panicky that someone would recognize her and their mall hadn't survived the war anyways. Loren hadn't gone clothes shopping in years and she was just as excited to work on a new wardrobe. Tobias thought it would hurt, reminding her of too many mall dates with Rachel, but this experience was completely different. Rachel had always picked out clothes for her that were fashionable but claustrophobic. Now she was going with her mother, her very eager and excited mother, who wanted to help Tobias find her own style.

Tobias liked a lot more colour than she was initially expecting to. She loved skinny jeans and peasant tops. She fell in love with a pair of ankle boots and while walking in heels was something to get used to, she loved the feeling. She bought a few pieces of jewelry, including a wooden ring with two silver bands through it. It was by far the most expensive thing but she knew this was something she was going to wear every day. Marco had called her a widow and she felt like she needed something to reflect that. This was her touchstone. 

Tobias remorphed in the bathroom and joined Loren in the food court for lunch. She had already gotten some burgers and fries for them. Tobias was surprisingly hungry and she dug in. 

Loren asked, "Any thoughts about your name?"

Tobias covered her mouth, still chewing as she answered. "I've got two. They're kind of silly though."

Loren shook her head. "I'm sure they're not. I want to hear them."

Tobias swallowed. "Well...I kind of wanted something that reflected what I've gone through. I spent three years as a hawk and I don't want to act like that never happened. The hawk is always going to be a part of me and I want to honour that. So I was thinking maybe...this is stupid. But I looked up names that meant hawk and I was thinking Shay. It's Irish, like your Mom. But I was thinking Scarlett too as a middle name. Shay Scarlett. Red hawk."

Loren beamed. "Shay Scarlett. It's beautiful."

Tobias blushed. "It's not too much?"

"I think it's perfect. Shay...oh, I love that."

Tobias grinned. "Thanks. I promised Ax I'd wait a week before becoming a _nothlit_ again so maybe I could try it out the next few days, see how it feels."

"Are you nervous?"

Tobias shook her head. "No. I don't think I've ever been so sure of something in my life. I'm not afraid. I know it's permanent but I'm so comfortable. I've never felt like this before in my life. It's the right thing."

"Is there something you want to do while it happens?" Loren asked.

"Actually, there is. I was hoping I could get your help with this."

_____________________

It had taken a few days to prepare but the tattoo artist was more than happy to work on a tight schedule. Loren took photographs of Shay in her red-tailed hawk form and Shay brought them to the studio. The artist worked on an illustration and soon enough Shay was in the chair, arm swabbed, and waiting for the needle.

Ax sat beside her, holding her other hand. He couldn't stay for the whole time, but he wanted to be there as long as he could. She felt the ring squeeze against her skin while he held her hand too tight. It was a good feeling. It felt like Rachel was there with her too.

It took four hours and Shay felt the change just as the outline was completed. It was different this time. Before it had felt like she had been trapped. Now it felt like she was being released. Released from all her time as an Animorph, released from her lonely childhood. She felt like she was born anew.

She went back home, sore and bandaged but overall feeling elated. She had a quiet dinner with Loren, Ax, and Marco. All of them were trying not to make a big deal out of what had happened, but all clearly proud of her.

For the first time in her life, Shay felt like she was home.

_____________________

Marco didn't want to go but he knew he had to. He had spent nearly a week now on Loren's couch. Well, he and Ax had been sharing the pullout and trying to be somewhat discreet making out. It had been sort of a back and forth between the two of them. Marco needed to talk to his family and he wanted to do it in person. Ax agreed but also didn't want him to go. They would argue, it would lead to kissing and then it was pushed aside to deal with later.

But it was eating Marco up. He needed to know his parents were okay with him dating Ax. If they weren't, then he could replan things, but he needed that information first. Loren had been talking on and off about moving her and Shay out to Miami too and he wasn't going to let that topic keep going if his parents turned out to be homophobes.

When Shay finally went _nothlit_ , Marco knew he couldn't push it off anymore. He bought a ticket and headed out the next morning. Or attempted to. Ax caught him and insisted he at least go with him to the airport. Marco convinced him to stay with a fairly filthy promise, which he was very looking forward to keeping on his return.

Marco practiced his speech most of the plane ride over but once he got out of the cab at his new home and saw his parents waiting at the door, it all flew out of his head.

He didn't get much past the "Hellos" and the "I miss yous" before he blurted out, "I'm bisexual. I'm in love with Ax. He's in love with me. We're dating. Actually, he's staying on Earth and becoming human for me so it's more serious than that I guess."

Peter said quietly, "I need to sit down."

Marco followed his parents into their living room, remaining standing as they sat on the couch together.

Marco asked nervously, "So...so tell me what you're thinking right now so I don't go crazy, okay? Are you mad at me? Do you hate me?"

Eva and Peter exchanged a look. Eva nodded towards Peter to speak.

Peter cleared his throat. "Marco...that's a lot. We're just going to need a minute to process all of that."

Marco felt like he was dying but still agreed, "Yeah, I guess that's fair."

"But," Peter continued, "I think I can say for both of us that we love you and we're not mad at you or hate you or anything like that."

"We're just a little surprised," Eva explained. "Well, not that surprised, really."

"When you were eight I bet your mom five dollars that you were gay. Does this count as winning? You're not gay but you're not straight either. We were with the Hork-Bajir at the time so I wasn't really worried about collecting my money."

Marco frowned. "Wait, you knew?"

Peter looked sheepish. "I know I wasn't really all there for a long time but I did notice some stuff. Like - um - your internet history."

Marco's eyes widened and he could almost feel himself ascend from his body. This was it. This is how he died. From sheer embarrassment and a painful remembrance of how many times he had asked Jeeves for shirtless pictures of Harrison Ford. God, at least he had figured out how to clear cookies before he really hit puberty.

"Ax is a bit of a surprise though," Eva admitted. "He's...well, he's..."

"Look, I know you've got like five years of alien brainwashing telling you not to trust Andalites but Ax is a really good guy."

Peter agreed, "Yeah, I like him a lot. But he's not what I expected your type to be. I mean...he's not even human. There's a big culture gap between the two of you."

"So? Our family are all immigrants. He's just one more."

Eva cleared her throat. "So if Loren and Tobias - sorry, Shay - move out here...is Ax going to be coming with them?"

Marco agreed, "That's the plan. I know you offered for him to stay with us but-"

Peter blushed slightly. "No, I think that would work better. If you two keep um doing what you're doing then I think we should establish some ground rules."

Marco raised his eyebrows. "Seriously?"

Eva shot Peter a look. "If you're thinking of giving him a curfew, I think we both know how well that would work out. If they're having sex, well, we don't have to worry about pregnancy and if they've only been with each other Marco's not going to catch anything."

Marco had this sudden image of Rachel sitting beside him, laughing her ass off. She had been the only one any of this had applied to during the war and she had gotten off - ew, gross - scot free. She would have loved watching him suffer like this. It was a weird moment to miss her but he would have given anything for her to be teasing him once more. His embarrassment faded then and his thoughts turned to Ax. It didn't matter what hoops his parents made them jump through. They were damn, damn lucky it was going this well at all.

Peter looked to Marco. "I think you should keep your relationship relatively hidden until you both graduate. I'm not telling you not to come out if you feel you need to. We'll support you no matter what. I just want you to be safe."

"You know I can turn into a gorilla and tear a guy's arms off, right?"

Eva said softly, "But Ax can't. He's still learning how to be human and navigate his way in the world. I'm not saying don't tell anyone. Be open with your friends and even our extended family. I'm just saying you should be careful, at least until he's comfortable. He's vulnerable right now, even if neither of you think he is."

Marco considered this for a moment. Ax had talked before about being in a body that wasn't a weapon. There was another side to that. Now Ax was just a teenage boy who kept turning around to see behind him and tripping over his feet. And he was weird. Adorably, hilariously weird but he was going to draw attention enough at school as it was. Never mind being openly gay. Or bisexual. Or whatever he wanted to call his sexuality. Marco got the impression he didn't care one way or another.

"I'll talk to him about it," Marco said, "but that's something he's got to make up his own mind about. He's got to keep enough secrets, he doesn't need another one forced on him."

Peter took Eva's hand. "No, of course not. We love you and we want you to be happy and safe. That's all. It's just...it's a lot. This isn't what we pictured for your life. We want the best for you, that's all."

Marco got what they were saying. He did. He'd also prefer not being a former child soldier in love with an equally screwed up alien boy. But here they were and if they weren't on board, he'd leave. He hadn't realized that until right that moment but he'd walk out that door rather than never seeing Ax again.

"I love you both," Marco said quietly, "but I love him too."

He didn't have to say more. They both knew it was a threat and that Marco had always been ruthless when it came to those he loved. He'd walk away from them and not look back.

Eva stood and hugged him, cradling his head in her hand. Marco closed his eyes, wanting to cry but finding he couldn't. They had fought so hard to be reunited but now there was a gulf between them. There had been since she had returned. Neither of them blamed the other. But there was no going back to what had been.

_____________________

That night Marco phoned Ax at Loren's. He barely spoke, letting Ax talk excitedly about all the research he had done about Miami and the culinary culture there. Marco just smiled tiredly into the receiver. He was just happy to hear his voice.

Near the end of the call, Ax passed the phone to Shay and left the room.

Shay asked, "How did it go?"

"Not as good as yours but still pretty good," Marco answered. "They're worried about Ax and they want us in the closet until graduating so Ax doesn't get beaten up. And they're disappointed in how my life's working out. So that's fun. They still like me though. I think."

"I'm sorry, Marco."

"Hey, honestly, it went better than I thought," Marco admitted. "It's okay. It'll be better when you guys get out here. I checked out the school. Lots of cute girls in the neighourbood. Not too bad a computer lab. Really shitty library but that's okay none of us read anything but comic books anyways."

"Don't worry, we're not going to be the only gay kids there."

Marco laughed tiredly, "I don't care about that. I used to think the entire student body of our high school was out to get us. I can deal with a few assholes."

She said softly, "Come back home. We've still got the last bit of summer together. I was thinking of trying to learn how to surf, try out some of the moves I saw in Tofino. Maybe we can hit the beach."

"Soon. I want to give them a bit more time. But wait until I get back for the bikini shopping so I can help you out."

"I hate you, you know that?"

Marco smiled. "Yeah, I know, I'm the worst. Take care of Ax for me."

"I'll do my best. Good night, Marco."

"Good night, Shay."


	33. Jake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a warning, this chapter isn't a great time for Jake but this is the worst it gets.

**cw: vague suicidal ideation, car accident, physical injuries**

Jake had died before. He wasn't afraid of death. He had been maimed, he had been bled dry, he had starved, he had been pushed to physical extremes, and each time he had found a way to survive, to come back to life.

He remembered every one of those moments. Not always clearly, but the phantom pain remained after returning to his human form. His body remembered even when his brain needed to shut it out.

But that night felt like a dream. A long dark highway. An empty bottle at his feet. Maybe two. Maybe three. The radio quietly humming Radiohead. His hand slipped or maybe he turned to look. He had left the road and he knew he had but some part of him gunned it, flattening the gas pedal to the floor, needing to go faster. He thought he was a falcon again. He thought he was flying.

He didn't remember the rest.

Jake woke in searing pain. He screamed out and a nurse ran inside, attempting to stop him from moving. He panted, trying to regain control of himself, but he could feel every broken rib and the massive slashes on his arms. He could remember throwing his arms up to protect his face from the glass. He could remember...he thought that there was a chance his heart had stopped completely.

The nurse addressed him gently, "Mister Berensen, you need to stay still. Your fractures have been stabilized but your stitches are very fresh. If you're in pain, I can get you some more medication. Are you okay?"

Jake tried to figure out how she knew who he was. He didn't have a license. Maybe they read his father's insurance information in the car. It didn't matter. He needed to get out of there.

He tried to sit up, wincing. "I need to get out of here."

She sat down on the bed and said, "I'm afraid Doctor Friar has put you on a twenty-four hour hold. You will not be able to leave until we can be sure your condition is stabilized."

Jake's ribs throbbed against his quickening heart. "I'm on a mental health watch?"

She said kindly, "I'll get the Doctor. I'll be right back."

She left and Jake tried again to sit up. He managed to get his back against the headrest and attempted to reach his chart on the wall with no success.

A woman in her mid-forties entered the room. Jake recognized her vaguely. She had been at some holiday party with his parents five years ago. They had drunk too much and she had driven them home. Jake had remembered because his parents weren't big drinkers and he had thought at the time she looked a little like Marco's mom. It was the year Eva had disappeared and Marco saw her everywhere. It had started to rub off on him too.

Friar grabbed his chart and started flipping through it. "I imagine you wanted to have a peek at this. Doctors' kids always think they can read these things. Hearing shop talk your whole life doesn't equal going to med school."

She looked up at him and asked, "How are you feeling?"

Jake admitted, "Pretty shitty."

"Well, that's good. Shitty means alive. Which is impressive, considering you wrapped a car around a telephone pole. You've got some deep lacerations from the windshield, broken ribs from the airbag and the general impact, a concussion, a dislocated shoulder and I imagine some fairly hellish whiplash."

"I wasn't drinking," Jake swore.

"I know. Your blood alcohol was clean," she said. "Or clean enough, though you were driving without a license. Looking at the driving conditions, the officer who called it in suggested it was a case of extreme exhaustion or a suicide attempt. I'm going to have a colleague of mine speak with you in the morning. Doctor Aarons is a psychiatrist who specializes in posttraumatic stress disorder in military veterans. I think you might find it helpful, even just having someone to talk to."

Jake insisted, "It was just an accident."

Her face softened. "Try and get some rest. Feel free to use the phone if you want to let a friend know where you are. Just 9 to dial out for local calls."

Friar left and Jake covered his face with his hands. His injuries didn't matter. He could heal them away in two minutes. But if he fled, the police would be informed and that meant Azza tracking him down. She probably would anyways now that his name had popped up in the health care system and flagged as a suicide risk.

It would have been an okay way to go. The best death he had ever had. It hadn't hurt. Waking had hurt but dying had been just fine. He had been alone, not owing anything to anyone. Free in the dark, going as fast as he could. 

As it came back to him, Jake became less and less sure what had happened. His hand had slipped, maybe his foot shifted the wrong way. Maybe he went to change the radio station and didn't look up fast enough. Or maybe...maybe he started to veer and instead of correcting drove straight into that pole. He wasn't sure and the uncertainty was worse than knowing. He hadn't tried to kill himself. He was exhausted and a little drunk and wasn't thinking right. But he hadn't tried to save himself either. He saw danger and chased it down its throat. He wanted that destruction but he was too tired to seek it out.

But he had thrown his arms up to protect himself. That was what had dislocated his shoulder and slashed his arms. At the last minute, he knew he wanted to live.

It was just past two in the morning but Jake was falling apart. He knew if he didn't reach out now, he never would. So he reached out for his wallet, grateful for it to have been left so close to him. He found the scrap of paper he was looking for and dialed the number. He waited for a long time and then realizing it was long distance hung up and phoned collect.

Someone picked up and even just by the yawn, Jake knew he had found him.

Jake managed to whisper, "I need your help."

He expected Marco to hang up but instead his friend promised instantly, "I'll be right there. I'm heading to the airport right now. You're safe?"

"I'm safe," Jake said, his voice shaking. "You were right. You're always right."

"Buddy, I'll be right there, I promise. You take whatever they're giving you and try to get some rest. I'll be there as soon as I can. Just stay there."

_____________________

Jake spoke to Doctor Aarons briefly in the morning but fell back asleep shortly after. When Jake woke up, Marco was sitting at his bedside. He was asleep, slumped against the bed, his hand on Jake's. Marco blinked as he stirred, turning to look over at him.

"Sorry," Marco yawned. "Jet lag. You look like hell, Jake."

Jake laughed, his ribs stinging. "I feel like it."

"You're not morphing this one away?"

Jake shook his head. "I think I need to feel this one a little longer. Besides, I don't want to scare my doctor by having a miraculous recovery."

Marco said, "You scared the shit out of me. Out of all of us. The other three are sitting outside thinking you've gone into a coma or something since you're still here."

"Cassie?"

"She's fine," Marco promised. "She's pissed at you. I don't blame her, but she's probably the most pissed out of the bunch of us."

"And you?"

Marco smiled tiredly. "Nah. I should be, but I'm not. You had your come to Jesus moment. It took you long enough, but better now than when it's too late. Sorry, you're Jewish. You know what I mean."

Jake shook his head and murmured, "I'm sorry, Marco. For everything I said. I know you just wanted to help."

"Well, I wasn't doing a good job of it anyways," Marco admitted. "I meant it when I said I'm going to go through this a year from now. The honeymoon period is kinda ending. Not with Ax at least, but being human is going to mess with him."

"Has he done it yet?"

Marco shook his head. "No, but there's no talking him out of it. He doesn't want to make it a whole thing. I dunno. He can be pretty private when he wants to. Maybe he's talking it out with Shay."

"Shay?"

"Right, that's what Tobias picked out for herself. It means hawk, the nerd."

"So it's just me then? I'm the only screw up?"

Marco pulled his chair closer to the bed. "Jake, you're our leader. Like it or not, we look to you. We're all going to go through this shit, I know it. But you just had to go first. You're going to survive and then the rest of us will know how to."

"I'm really scared, Marco," Jake whispered. "I can't keep doing this. Not to Cassie. If I had gotten myself killed, I don't know what would happen to her."

"Cassie's tougher than all of us," Marco said, "But you're right. You can't keep doing this. My offer's still there, Jake. Come to Miami with us. Just for now until you're back on your feet. We'll share a bunk bed like when we were kids and finish school together. You can get help and get out of this ghost town. Start new. You should see Shay, Jake. I thought she'd be a goner after what happened with Rachel but she's...happy. I don't know. Maybe she'll be the next one of us to crack. But maybe not. You should give yourself a chance, like she did. Find a way to be happy."

"I thought Cassie was my way," Jake admitted.

"She's part of it, but she's long term. What do you need right now?"

Jake started crying and Marco hopped on the bed beside him. Jake clung to him, sobbing into his shirt. Marco held him just as close.

"I can't go to Brazil but I'm not strong enough," Jake whispered. "I'm not strong enough to leave her."

"Jake, you're one of the strongest bastards I've ever met," Marco assured. "You're not leaving her. You're doing what's right for both of you. If you want to spend the rest of your life with her, you've got to survive this first."

Jake cried and Marco stayed, refusing to let go until visiting hours were over. He would be there again first thing in the morning and stay by his side until he was discharged in the afternoon and brought him back to the farm.

_____________________

Jake morphed to falcon to reset his bones before entering the house again. Cassie jumped off the couch and hugged him. He kissed her and buried his face in her hair for a moment, breathing in that so comforting smell of coconut oil.

He let go and looked across the room at Ax and the girl beside him. The girl looked at him intensely, her gaze equal parts ire and relief. He could see pieces of Tobias in her and knew who she was.

Jake offered his hand to Shay. "It's good to see you."

Shay ignored his hand and hugged him. Jake cradled her, unused to her physical affection and the new shape of her.

"We're okay," Shay murmured. "I'm glad you're alright."

Jake said softly. "I never thought I'd see you again. Thank you for coming back."

Shay held him at arm's length, patted his arm and stepped back. Ax enveloped him in a bear hug, nearly knocking the wind out of him. Jake patted him on the back before letting him go.

Jake admitted, "I'm pretty tired still. Would you guys be offended if I went for a nap?"

Marco clapped him on the back. "We're not going anywhere. Go sleep."

_____________________

Cassie didn't cry. Jake expected her to. He was crying so hard he barely got the words out. She just sat with him, her fingers tracing the lines of his face.

"We should have waited a year," she said finally.

"Yeah, we should have," Jake agreed. "I'm sorry, Cass."

"I'll wait for you," Cassie offered softly. "If you still want to be with me, I'll wait. I love you, Jake. I want to spend my life with you. But we might both be very different people once you've found your way back. If you don't feel the same then...or I guess if I don't...we have to both be okay with that."

Jake kissed her and murmured, "I want to be with you. That's why I need to stay behind. I want to be the person you think I can be. I have to do that here. And I can't keep you with me. I don't think you'd stay even if I asked."

"I would have."

Jake shook his head. "But it would have broken you. I love you, Cass. I'm always going to love you. That's why I need to let you go."

Cassie pressed her forehead to his. Tears streamed down her face and he kissed them away. He wasn't sure if he started unbuttoning his shirt or she did. The rest was a blur, despite how much he wanted to hold on to it. All he could do was feel how deeply he was loved and to be so loved broke his heart.

One day, he promised himself. One day. This wasn't the end of their story. It was just the beginning of his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost done! I wanted this finished for Nano so the next chapter is finished and just needs a quick read through and then we get a final chapter and epilogue. God, I was not expecting this fic to get this long but here we are!
> 
> also I realize now for the kids reading and not knowing how collect calls work: Marco would have gotten a call saying that a patient at whatever hospital was calling collect and asking if he would accept the charges. Early 2000s, man, what a time to use phones.


	34. Ax

Shay had told Ax that she had chosen to become a _nothlit_ while she received her tattoo because she needed to be reminded why she was doing it. She wanted to fully commit to it. This was for her own future, survival, and happiness.

Ax knew this was his moment, tangled in bed with Marco. He was close. Only a few more minutes and he would be human forever. A few more minutes and he was lost to Earth. He said nothing but Marco's name, holding him close. It wasn't possible for Ax to know the instant his body changed but he felt it. Relief flooded through him and he was lost in the human act of love, finally free to be with the one he loved.

After when they laid side by side, Marco said nothing. Ax lay his head on his chest, listening to his heart. He waited for Marco to ask, for Marco to notice. Marco ran his fingers through his hair and asked quietly, "How much longer do you have?"

Ax murmured, "The rest of my life." 

Marco's breathing grew shakier. Ax rose his head, seeing tears stream down his face. Marco tried to speak but his words faltered. Ax sat up and kissed him, cupping his face in his hands. Marco pressed his forehead to his and whispered,

Ax laced his fingers with his. "Should I have told you?"

Marco murmured, "No. No, it's better this way. I would have...Ax, if somehow we could have done this the other way, I would have."

Ax wasn't sure that was true. It would have been even harder for Marco to adjust to the Andalite home world and to a completely new body. Ax hadn't mastered being human but he was pretty sure he wasn't too bad at it anymore. It was better this way, for both of them.

Their eyes met and Ax felt a shiver run through him. Marco kissed him and Ax snuggled into his neck. Definitely better. Dating was much nicer with mouths.

_____________________

Ax left the farm, knowing he would never return. That didn't matter. It had been his home but it was just a place. He'd join the others soon but he had to make preparations. It was easy enough for he and Shay to join the human world with a few fake IDs, SINs, and transcripts. It was exiting the Andalite world that would be the most difficult and he did not look forward to the experience.

When he arrived at the Andalite compound, he gave few details about what had happened. He described his _nothlit_ status as an accident and claimed he wanted to remain on Earth to avoid bringing shame to his family. He wasn't sure Asculan believed him but he was also sure that the Captain did not care. He did agree, however, to bring a letter back to Andalite to Ax's family to explain the situation. Ax was sure that it would be read and dissected by the military but he needed a chance to say goodbye.

Ax didn't rehearse his recording. He didn't think it through. He just spoke, his words confident and unwavering. When he was done, he simply left, requesting a ride to the airport. He was not afraid of what came next and if he had doubts, they faded the moment he saw Marco, Shay, and Jake waiting for him at the terminal.

Marco took his hand in his, apparently ignoring his parents' advice. It was his own confidence that had inspired what Ax had said to his parents. He would not hide the best pieces of his life, not from anyone. Ax kissed Marco on the cheek and put his arm around Shay. Jake stood nearby, wishing Cassie a tearful farewell. The three Scoop boys (and girl) waited off to the side, giving them space.

"You okay, Ax-man?" Shay asked.

There was not a word for how he felt then, both with his _shorm_ and with his beloved on the cusp of a new life. But it was a good feeling and he was very excited to see what feelings would come next.

And when Ax didn't answer, Shay seemed to understand. She squeezed his other hand and they shared a smile, not needing another word between them.

Eventually the four boarded the plane, Ax beside Shay and Marco beside Jake. Ax looked out the window, watching as they ascended into the clouds. Shay leaned against his shoulder, toying with the ring on her finger.  

"Did we make the right choice?" She asked softly.

She could have been referring to a lot of things, but Ax assumed she meant their _nothlit_ status. They were both in foreign bodies by choice but really there hadn't been another option. Shay couldn't live as a hawk or a boy. And Ax couldn't live without Marco.

So once again, Ax didn't answer but his _shorm_ understood anyways. Shay closed her eyes and Ax watched the sunrise above the clouds.

_____________________

_To my parents,_

_By the time you have heard this, you will have already been informed about my condition as a human_ nothlit _and my decision to remain on Earth. According to the record, it will be considered an accident. But I do not wish the last thing you hear from me to be a lie. I chose to spend my life as a human. There were many things that I did not address when we last spoke, things I have been hiding from you. The things you feared...they are true. All of them._

 _Elfangor married and had a daughter on Earth. Her name is Shay. There is a gesture humans do to express happiness where they open their mouth upwards. It is called a smile. Usually it crinkles the area around their eyes and I know that Andalites can't smile but when she does, it makes me think of my brother. She is truly incredible. I hope you can meet my_ shorm _one day and love her as much as I do._

_I live with her and her mother, Loren. She has taken me in as her nephew as it is difficult to call me her brother because of our significant age difference. It is clear why Elfangor loved her and I hope that for a time they were very happy. I wish they had had much more time together._

_There was a human I called Prince. His name is Jake. He is unwell after the war but I believe he will heal. He is trying and I will not abandon him while he does. I owe him my life a hundred times and I would follow him into battle again if he called me to serve. He is one of my closest friends and I am enjoying becoming his friend in peacetime. His mate, another friend, has accepted an assignment on a southern continent while he becomes himself again. I look forward to their reunion and Cassie's return as I miss her already._

_And it is true that I was cohabitating with one of my companions, Marco. It was not as was insinuated during the war but it has become so since. Yes, yes, in the way that you are thinking. I too was conflicted but I have come to embrace this feeling. Mother, father, I love him. There are many reasons I have chosen to stay on Earth but he is my greatest one. There is no home for me that does not have him._

_They are a remarkable species, dear parents, and I hope you will one day understand my choice to join them. I will be moving with Loren and Shay across the continent to a city called Miami. I have registered the address with the Andalite Consulate in case of an emergency but I expect to be mostly left alone. I understand if you don't wish to or simply can't reach out to me. However you feel about me, now knowing the truth, know that I still love you both and I always will._

_Farewell._


	35. Jake

to: c.e.deconnick@yahoo.com   
from: bbjake84@hotmail.com 

Hi Cass,

I hope your flight went well and you're settling in okay. We just finished the first two weeks of school here. It's a little weird, all four of us being the new kids. Marco's settled in best, I think, though Ax (he's going by Max now) is doing surprisingly well. When he faked his transcripts, he said that he had finished all of his science and math classes so he's just doing one year of like English and History and stuff just so he can learn a little about Earth. It's probably good he's graduating in June because he says he's already bored. His universal translator fixes Shakespeare for him so he's blowing past everyone. He's failing history though. We're taking it together and it's nice to actually beat him at something.

Shay's doing great. We haven't spent a lot of time together yet but Marco's set this movie marathon thing at our place. Other people are coming too. I haven't really hung out just for fun with other kids in a really long time. But Marco and I share a bedroom so it's not like I get much choice.

That's a really weird thing too. It's better now, but I kept walking in on - well, you know. We've got a system now. 

I know that you're probably not going to get Internet for awhile so I'm going to just keep sending these to you and hopefully I hear back from you soon. 

I love you. Maybe I shouldn't sign off like that.

Okay, Marco's telling me not to do that, but it's still true.

I love you,  
Jake 

_____________________

to: c.e.deconnick@yahoo.com   
from: bbjake84@hotmail.com 

Hi Cassie,

Just got back home from the Thanksgiving Formal. Didn't know that was a thing, but Marco had clothes laid out for me. It was nice but I didn't really know anybody except for some of the guys on the track and field team. I ended up talking javelins with a few guys on the bleachers for most of it. Didn't mind too much. I'm getting really good at javelin. I've been doing basketball too now that the season's started but track's better. I've tried to get Max to start jogging with me but he's still not great on two legs yet. Weirdly enough, Shay's convinced him to take up surfing and he's okay at that. She might just be a better teacher than me.

Shay went out on a date two days ago. It was weird for all of us. She says she's not going to see her again. I don't know. I was pretty sure I heard her on the phone with Marco later crying but I tried to give them space. I know Marco's my best friend but sometimes I think I'm not his anymore. I don't know. 

Thanks for sending that picture with you and the capybaras. I have it in my locker now and it makes me smile every time I open it. Alec - he's on the track team with me - saw it and he asked me if you were my girlfriend. I wasn't sure what to say so I said you were a friend of mine from California. I hope that's okay. 

I started going to this VA meetup on Tuesday nights. I'm the youngest one there but honestly not by much. There's a few guys about 18 or 19 who've just come off their first tour. We hang out after, shoot some hoops at the Y. We don't really talk about any of it after listening to the other vets, but it's just nice to be with other people who get it. They all think I'm 18. I didn't want to tell them about the Animorphs but honestly no one really asked. I just said I was in California in the spring and they all got it. 

We never did a big thing for Thanksgiving but it's still hard not having anyone here. Aunt Naomi phoned me. She and the girls are okay I think but she's not ready to see me again. Whatever. Sorry you can't come up for Christmas but that's okay. I wasn't expecting you to make a big trip this early. Just in case you don't get this until December: Merry Christmas, Cassie.

Love,  
Jake

_____________________

to: c.e.deconnick@yahoo.com   
from: bbjake84@hotmail.com 

Dear Cassie,

Happy Birthday! I know you didn't get to do anything for 16 so I hope you've had a great 17. I wanted to send you something but I figured it would never get there so I'm keeping it for whenever you get home. If you come back. If not, maybe I'll just have to go visit you. I'm really proud of you, by the way. I saw a piece about you guys on the news a few days ago and I'm really proud. I said that already. Oh well.

Marco and Max broke up for a grand total of sixteen minutes. I have no idea what the fight was about since it was mostly in Spanish. Max speaks it fluently now which is kind of hilarious. I still haven't picked up much except when Eva's on the phone nodding along and saying claro. I think that's how you spell it? She's basically just saying go on, I'm listening. It's not really useful.

Shay and I went to the movies last night. Then we went out and got matching tattoos. Seriously! We weren't planning on it but we just really got talking and it felt like the right thing to do. We've both got an outline of a bear on our shoulders, mine on the right, hers on the left. I think she and I are good now. Or at least we're okay. I can handle okay. 

Love,  
Jake 

_____________________

to: c.e.deconnick@yahoo.com   
from: bbjake84@hotmail.com 

Cass,

Well, basketball season is officially over and I'm pleased to say I was cut from the team. It's a relief, especially now that track is starting up again and I'm in the advanced history class now. I like basketball, I still play it with the VA guys, but I don't like being on a team competitively. I know, hilarious, but it's nice to just do a sport where I only need to worry about me. 

Max got a job selling cell phones. He's kind of terrible at it and keeps dissecting them for parts. I thought he'd get fired but the manager seems to really like him. Max is friends with his kid now, that's how he got the job. Oh, I never told you about that! So Max met this guy, Brian, in his class who's got autism. They hit it off right away and soon Max befriended the entire special ed class because he says that they "get it". I don't know what that means except now he's got this whole gang of friends who also think humanity is weird and they're coaching each other how to navigate the world. They sit at the same table together every lunch and sometimes Shay's there too because I think she likes one of the girls who's deaf. Can't remember her name. Anyways, Brian's dad owns the cell phone hut so he gave Max the job so he can save up for college. I'll let you know when he gets fired.

Love,  
Jake

_____________________

to: c.e.deconnick@yahoo.com   
from: bbjake84@hotmail.com 

Cassie,

I don't know how to say this. I've been thinking about it a lot. 

It's clear you like Joel and I want to say, you know, it's okay. I know you said you'd wait but it's been what, ten months since we've seen each other and I don't know when we'll see each other again. 

I want you to be happy. If that's not with me, that's okay. I just want you to know that it's okay. You don't have to wait for me. You should be happy now, not whenever I finally figure my shit out.

I know you were thinking of coming back for the one year anniversary but none of us are going. We figured there'd be so much media coverage and people and we want to be with Rachel just by ourselves so we're going to just do our own thing here. Nothing big. I think we're going to have a bonfire on the beach and just talk. I dunno. I know Shay's not coming. It's not really worth coming back for. 

I mean it, Cassie. You should go tell Joel how you feel. It's okay.

Jake


	36. Shay

The one-year anniversary of Rachel's death fell the day after the Spring Formal. None of them wanted to go but all four knew it would look strange if they all bailed. The entire school year they had managed to hide who they were, despite two of them using their real names. It was fine if people knew they had been Animorphs. There was no danger in it now, but old habits die hard. They had spent three years holding it as their most precious secret, one that could lead to the end of the world if it was shared with the wrong person. That was not something that was so easy to let go of. Especially when they were all trying to move forward the best they could.

Fortunately, the solution came from Max's other social circle. His friend Gord had planned an alternative bonfire on the beach. Shay had not wanted to go to this either, but the three boys convinced her. And honestly, it was not as bad as the dance was. There were maybe fifteen of Gord and Max's mutual friends hanging out around a fire on a quiet beach. Three of the kids' workers hung out relatively nearby but everyone was so used to them they didn't feel like chaperones. All of the kids swore or smoked or whatever did whatever they wanted to around them. Within reason, of course.

Marco was a big fan of hanging out with this crowd. All of them knew he was Max's boyfriend and while some of them really didn't understand his sarcasm, it was generally agreed upon that he was a good guy. Jake and Shay were both on the outside but Jake was quickly drawn into a discussion about wheelchair basketball and Shay was soon left to walk the shore alone.

It stung, seeing them happy. She knew it wasn't that easy for them. She had heard Max wake up from his night terrors. Marco and her talked almost every night and while it was almost never about the war, it was always about the war. Jake was the only one who seemed to be slowly adjusting but he had been in such a deep dark place that Shay was just relieved to see him becoming human again.

And what had Shay become? Closer to fine. Closer to okay. Closer to meh. She was grateful for so much of this year. For Loren's support and love. For the opportunity to choose her own body and name. For the chance to start over. But she would trade all of it, every single scrap of it, for Rachel. She would give up every piece of herself to get her back. The elation of her transition, the adrenaline rush of just being alive, all of it was fading to reveal her own shattered heart.

Shay climbed up on a rock and sat down, sticking her feet in the water. She swished them back and forth, listening to the teens further down the shore laugh and sing. She looked towards the fire in the distance and felt a pang of guilt. She had come here to be with the others. Tonight was hard for all of them. They all bore their own scars. They had all lost so much. But only Shay had lost her soul mate, the love of her life, her very reason for survival. She had tried, she had tried so hard to move on, but even taking another girl's hand in hers felt like a betrayal.

Shay took off the ring she had worn for so long. She was tempted to toss it. It was such a stupid gesture. She wasn't a widow. She wasn't anything. She was just a sad, pathetic girl who had run away from a party to cry alone. No one even had noticed. Marco and Max were probably making out somewhere and Jake would be too busy talking about sports to even see that Shay had walked off.

Shay started to cry and she pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her face between them. What she really wanted was to fly. She wanted to be in the air again, to retreat into that place she had dominated for so long. She had been strong then, a predator, a wild creature. It had been that animal instinct that had protected her so many times in the war. That part of her had died to become human. She had sacrificed it so she could live. And Rachel...Rachel was part of that sacrifice. She should have known. She should have stopped her from going. She should have died beside her or for her, not watched, not-

She was sobbing now, her dress stained with her tears. She wanted Rachel. She needed Rachel. Surviving one year had taken so much out of her. Surviving a whole lifetime...she could have chosen hawk. She could have lived out her life on her own terms, been brave enough, but she had chosen the easy way, the fairy tale princess way, the way that spat on everything she had held dear. Would Rachel even recognize the girl she had become? Would Rachel love her as she was or would she be disgusted too at the ease Shay had taken to life without her?

Shay heard a familiar clicking sound and she looked up. Only a few feet ahead of her was a young dolphin. It clicked at her again and Shay lowered herself back to the sand. She picked up her skirt and walked into the water. The dolphin swam towards her, brushing against her thigh. Shay gave her a tentative stroke, smiling weakly.

"You get lost, buddy?" She asked.

The dolphin brushed past her once more and chirped several times before heading back towards the ocean. Shay could see the rest of the pod now, one of them bringing the calf in close before leading them away.

Shay stood in the water, watching them as they swam. She let her bunched skirt drop, the salt water soaking past the hem and past her knees. When they grew out of sight, she walked back up onto the sand and saw she was no longer alone.

Shay asked in shock, "Cassie? What are you doing here?"

Cassie started to speak but Shay cut her off with a hug. Cassie held her back just as tightly, tears streaming down her own face.

Cassie said, "I can't go through tomorrow alone. I just...I just wanted to be with all of you. You loved her too, Shay, and I know you and I were never close, but at least we can be there for each other."

Shay let go. "Does Jake know you're here?"

"No," Cassie admitted. "It was a last minute decision. I phoned Loren when I got in and she said you would all be here. I need to talk to him too. I should do that before tomorrow. I don't want...I want it to be about her, about all of us, not me and him."

Shay nodded. "Yeah, I get that." 

They both looked towards the bonfire and Shay shivered as the wind passed through her soaked dress. Shay took Cassie's hand in hers and they walked towards the party together without another word.

_____________________

All five of them stayed at Loren's that night, scattered between Shay and Max's rooms. They had ordered pizza at some point, but most of the details of the evening were lost on Shay. When they crashed for the night, Cassie had the pull out couch in the living room and Marco snuck into Max's room. Shay built a pillow wall down the middle of her bed so Jake could join her. She was gay and he was in love with someone else, but it was the polite thing to do.

Even in the dark, Shay could see that he was smiling.

"It go well with Cassie?" Shay asked reluctantly.

Jake sighed happily. "Yeah. She said that she did like Joel, but she wants to wait for me. If things are still going well a year from now, we're going to get back together. Maybe get married, for real this time."

"That's great, Jake," Shay murmured. "I'm happy for you guys."

He fell asleep soon after, but Shay lay awake for a long time. Eventually she gave up and went up to the rooftop for some fresh air. When she got there, she saw Cassie leaning against the wall, looking out onto the city. Shay went to her side and rested her arms on the bricks.

Cassie smiled at her before looking back up at the stars. Neither of them could see much with all the lights, but just enough to peer into the universe.

"When we were little," Cassie said, "Rachel and me used to make up our own constellations and our own stories about them. We used to spend hours looking up at the stars in the fields at the farm and we'd talk about everything and nothing. We stopped doing that when we knew what was really up there."

Cassie's watch beeped and she raised it for Shay to see. "Midnight."

Shay murmured, "It doesn't feel any different."

Cassie agreed, "No, maybe one minute to the next doesn't. Still..." 

Shay knew what she meant. "I know. It feels like it's over."

They both turned as the stairwell door opened and Marco emerged.

"I guess I'm not the only insomniac traumatized teen around. You ladies mind sharing your wall?"

Shay patted the space beside her and he leaned up, standing on his toes to be the same height as Shay. She gave him a weak smile.

"So I was thinking," Marco commented, "that if we manage to survive the last shitty year of our adolescence, we should go backpacking. We're all good in a fight so we don't have to worry about getting mugged and we're used to sleeping wherever. I figure if we saved the world, we should actually try to see some of it. When we're not being shot at, at least. I'm thinking northern Spain. Or Ireland. No, Spain. Somewhere warm. Cassie, where should do you want to go?" 

"The Galapagos?" Cassie offered. "It would be fascinating."

Marco groaned. "No, somewhere fun and not remotely educational. Shay, give me something better than that."

Shay touched her ring with her thumb. Tofino was where Rachel would have taken them, but Shay wanted to keep that memory just for herself. Even if she had been alone, it was where she had needed to be in those dark moments. Marco wasn't asking for that, not for some place where they could find themselves.

Shay shook her head. "No idea."

Jake entered and suggested, "How about Japan? I bet Japan would be great."

Jake stood beside Marco, giving the two girls a nod. Marco shook his head.

Marco argued, "No way. With Shay being tatted up as much as she is? Serious suggestions only, people."

The door opened again and Max exited. He slid beside Cassie as Marco caught him up on their discussion so far. Max thought about it for a moment and said, "Italy."

Marco smiled. "Now that's an idea. Think about it. History and boring stuff for Cassie and Jake, good food for my other half, adventure and excitement for me and Shay. Italy. I like it. Though, Ax-Man, just so you know, my mother was joking about that wine tasting like vinegar. They don't actually serve different vintages of vinegar there."

Max frowned. "That is a disappointment, but I should not be surprised."

Marco looked at Shay. "You think Xena would be pro-Italy? Though, she'd probably want Greece so she could fight an Amazonian warrior for your honour. We could always do Greece too. Go to Lesbos, meet your people."

Despite herself, Shay laughed. "Sapphos was bisexual, you know. She's your people too."

Marco grinned. "Even better."

Shay was not sure how long they stood there, planning a trip there was only a small chance they'd actually take. Eventually they started going back downstairs, one by one, until only Marco and Shay remained. The stars had faded and the sky grew darker as the sun prepared to rise.

Marco took Shay's hand in his as tears streaked down her face. He didn't ask her if she was okay and Shay loved him for that. They stood, just the two of them as dawn broke across the city, holding hands like children walking together to school.

Shay thought of them that way still. A band of children, hand in hand, leading each other through the battlefield, helping each other over barbed wire and through foxholes. That would always be a part of their story, all of them. But this was a part too, this silent moment on the rooftop together. This part mattered too and there would be more and more parts like this.

Marco finally asked, "You ready to go back in?"

Shay took a deep, shaky breath. "Yeah, let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read along. Your comments and kudos meant so much to me! It was hard to leave our kids after all these months but hopefully this is a decent spot to leave them. Cheers everyone!


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